How do I find hope if the world's against me?

[TVtrays]

I'm a 23 year old disabled trans woman who's unable to work due to my disabilities. I live in the US so basically every day is a day I'm losing rights because of the Trump administration. I have no income and no way to make any money except SSI which Trump is trying to cut. I have Borderline personality disorder, ADHD, Generalized anxiety disorder, major depression, C-PTSD, and Tourette's syndrome. I'm constantly hounded by my family about not working, on top of just being abused in general by them. I've done nothing for five years and I'm scared that my life is wasting away anyway. Like, I don't want to end up 70 wondering where the fuck my life went, so I tried to CTB in the third. Took some hydroxyzine to knock myself out as I hung myself. My head felt like it was going to pop and it was excruciating. I tried three times to tough it out until going unconscious but I just couldn't make it. I'm not afraid anymore to die. I'm just trying to find a painless way to do it... But at this point, I'm trying to stick it out. Whenever I do, life gets worse. Things keep going wrong more often and it's like the universe is telling me to die, as if I've overstayed my welcome. All my friends are worried about me, especially since my attempt. I don't know what's gotten into me but I want to get better. I don't really know how to end this post so yeah... There it is...

 

[Science Is Scary]

Sorry the universe dealt you so many bad circumstances. I don't think you deserved them.

I have ADHD symptoms myself, and I know how frustrating they can be alone. With everything else, I can hardly imagine what daily life is like for you. I think a lot of people would lose hope in your shoes. I'm impressed you're giving recovery a shot with this post. You deserve a lot of credit for that.

Is there one part of your life that you want to improve the most? Or one problem you want to fix first?