How do I end the pain without passing it on?

[End.of.the.line]

I read somewhere once that "suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on" yeah I know, it sounds like some pro-lifer guilt trip. Well it works, I feel guilty.

Like many of you, one of my biggest concerns with ctb is the pain it might cause my family, especially my mother. It just breaks my heart to think about how it will effect her.

she often says she worries about me and in my head I'm thinking "if only you knew what I was really thinking".

She doesn't know I'm suicidal but she know things aren't good me atm. I try to act like everything is fine when we speak. We live in different countries so we only speak on the phone.

Sometimes I consider saying something along the lines of " hey mum if anything happens to me it's okay. I don't fear death. And I don't mind if I die. It's just meant it was my time to go.

I would be a lot happier ctb if I could believe my loved ones will be okay after I pass. There must be some way of telling them I'm okay with being dead without mentioning suicide.

I can't leave a note because I need to make it look like an accident.

Any ideas guys?

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I'm sorry but you really cant. Even if you got murderer or died by some accident. Still gonna leave pain.

Tbh, u dont wanna go out insincere. The note stating ur honest feelings would be ur best best. Even if it destroys ur mother (which it will) she will know the actual truth.

 

[reveriewong]

You can't die without passing the pain on.

You have inherent worth, and people (such as your mom) care about you. Your decisions matter. They are going to hurt terribly when you go, no matter how you go. Most likely, they will feel a lot of guilt as well if you decide on suicide--what could they have done to help you? was there something they could've done, but didn't? maybe there was one thing they could've said, or done, that would have made all the difference, but you/they didn't know it.

You can try to convince yourself that your loved ones will be okay after you go, but the reality is that loved ones tend to grieve for a very long time, and perhaps until their own death.

If you want her to know what you're really thinking, then tell her. None of us are mind-readers, and it's unfair to expect someone else to know what you're thinking. She's your mom. She cares about you and loves you. She is likely going to do whatever she can to help you, but you need to do your part too.

 

[TAW122]

Yeah it's pretty much near impossible to ctb or die without causing some sort of pain to loved ones or others around you. It's inevitable, but like others said, the least you can do is to mitigate the pain and also just express the truth and hope that they understand. For me, I know if and when I do ctb, I will mitigate the pain the best I can, give my reasoning, and then some instructions (such as no funeral, what to do with my money, possessions, and what not -- which I don't have a lot so it won't be super complicated.).

 

[End.of.the.line]

I'm sorry but you really cant. Even if you got murderer or died by some accident. Still gonna leave pain.

Tbh, u dont wanna go out insincere. The note stating ur honest feelings would be ur best best. Even if it destroys ur mother (which it will) she will know the actual truth.

Thanks for the reply

You are right, there will always be pain. I guess what I want for them is some sort of closure .

My family is religious and they believe suicide is a sin and will ultimately land you in hell. I don't think they will get much Closure if they think I'm burning in hell. Shit even I worry about hell.

Either way I'm headstrong on CTB and I want it to look like an accident.

I don't want to go out Insincere but the truth might not be any better.

 

[JustAboutDone]

My family are religious also and believe in hell and fire and that sort of thing. I don't.

You could leave a sort of journal/ diary not mentioning ctb but as if you'd written it a while ago with "letters to your older self" in and that sort of thing that they can "accidentally" find when tidying through your things later down the line.

In it you can express hopes and fears for past present and future, add random dates etc

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Thanks for the reply

You are right, there will always be pain. I guess what I want for them is some sort of closure .

My family is religious and they believe suicide is a sin and will ultimately land you in hell. I don't think they will get much Closure if they think I'm burning in hell. Shit even I worry about hell.

Either way I'm headstrong on CTB and I want it to look like an accident.

I don't want to go out Insincere but the truth might not be any better.

My family thinks the same way, believe me.
but trust me on this, nothing beats the truth. The truth may hurt, but its the right thing to do. I'm gonna do that. I think my parents and sibling atleast deserve to know the real reason

 

[End.of.the.line]

If you want her to know what you're really thinking, then tell her. None of us are mind-readers, and it's unfair to expect someone else to know what you're thinking. She's your mom. She cares about you and loves you. She is likely going to do whatever she can to help you, but you need to do your part too.

I wish I could be honest with her and just let it all out but I could never see myself doing that.

I know she would try to do anything to help me, as would I for someone I really loved. but the sad truth is there is nothing she can do.

Just sucks that the only people I care about are the only people I hurt.

Hypothetically if I was to tell her, she would make me promise not to do it. Then I'd be stuck in this miserable life forever!

I know what ever happens there will probably be a lot of pain and sorrow, if only they knew how I really felt, it might help. I don't think I could every tell them.

Anyway thanks for the reply, I guess I just needed to vent and get this of my chest. I feel a little better now.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I wish I knew : (

 

[First loss]

When you want to kill yourself, I believe that the last thing you should be thinking about is how it will affect others.

For some cases, those "others" are the direct cause of pain and reason they want to end it all.

I find it nonsensical that some people think of others in those times, but if you really want to diminish the pain of others partially, try and stage your suicide as an incident.

Good luck, I hope you find peace.

 

[End.of.the.line]

My family are religious also and believe in hell and fire and that sort of thing. I don't.

You could leave a sort of journal/ diary not mentioning ctb but as if you'd written it a while ago with "letters to your older self" in and that sort of thing that they can "accidentally" find when tidying through your things later down the line.

In it you can express hopes and fears for past present and future, add random dates etc

Wow I've been considering doing that exact thing, I though it sound a little obvious but hearing you describe it, it just might be what I've been looking for.

Thank you.

 

[reveriewong]

You said, "I wish I could be honest with her and just let it all out but I could never see myself doing that.

I know what ever happens there will probably be a lot of pain and sorrow, if only they knew how I really felt, it might help. I don't think I could every tell them."

Making excuses isn't helping you. This is life or death.

You said that if they only knew how you really felt, it might help.
So tell them. It might help.
Maybe you'll even discover that someone you tell feels the same way, or similarly.
You won't have to keep hiding anymore. You won't have to keep lying anymore.

If you would do anything for someone you loved, then there's a very good chance that someone who loves you would do anything to support your best interest.

 

[RottenOdysseus]

I'm just waiting until my parents die tbh. I wish I had an answer but I really don't other than wait till they wont be able to feel the pain.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Wow I've been considering doing that exact thing, I though it sound a little obvious but hearing you describe it, it just might be what I've been looking for.

Thank you.

I write lots of random thoughts down on bits of paper and in a vast collection of notebooks - anyone who reads through will find out lots of positive things about how I felt without me having to do last minute notes etc

 

[21Neberg]

Not passing the pain on is something I want to achieve too, but have found it is hard to achieve. I have thought of a couple of options though. For one, perhaps recording personal video messages for your family might help them with coping. Furthermore, I think the most important thing to establish is that there was nothing, nothing they could have done to prevent your suicide. The last thing we want is to make them feel guilty or like they could have prevented it.

 

[CTB-London]

I wish I could be honest with her and just let it all out but I could never see myself doing that.

I know she would try to do anything to help me, as would I for someone I really loved. but the sad truth is there is nothing she can do.

Just sucks that the only people I care about are the only people I hurt.

Hypothetically if I was to tell her, she would make me promise not to do it. Then I'd be stuck in this miserable life forever!

I know what ever happens there will probably be a lot of pain and sorrow, if only they knew how I really felt, it might help. I don't think I could every tell them.

Anyway thanks for the reply, I guess I just needed to vent and get this of my chest. I feel a little better now.

It would be difficult in this day and age with Police investigations and forensics etc to pass off a suicide as an accident.

The best you could probably do to create uncertainty and inconclusive investigation results. This uncertainty would most likely cause greater pain to your family than a clear truth explained with a note.

My view on what you say about suicide being a sin is that society's attitudes have softened and also that, if God is everywhere, he will know anyway.

 

[Redt2go]

Only way is to suck it up and cope with living... Not sure what you're going through... Didn't read op

 

[seekingoblivion]

My family thinks the same way, believe me.
but trust me on this, nothing beats the truth. The truth may hurt, but its the right thing to do. I'm gonna do that. I think my parents and sibling atleast deserve to know the real reason

I don't know mate. I imagine the saying "ignorance is bliss" has a strong basis for it's origin and use. Death will inevitably bring pain but there's that extra kick of guilt that suicide seems to bring. Especially to parents, the people who brought you into this god forsaken turd of a life.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I don't know mate. I imagine the saying "ignorance is bliss" has a strong basis for it's origin and use. Death will inevitably bring pain but there's that extra kick of guilt that suicide seems to bring. Especially to parents, the people who brought you into this god forsaken turd of a life.

No i understand, you have a point. Im just saying personally, I'd tell them everything that went down to bring me to this point. Cause, god forbid, if i had a kid in the future before i ctb amd they suicided i would wanna know whyand what led them to that. Sure it will kill me and id be a wreck but jta better than "what did i do? Did i say this? Maybe if i hadnt done that! Who hurt them? What hurt them!? And etc etc"

 

[seekingoblivion]

Mate making it look like an accident is incredibly difficult to do. At some point if you're serious about ctb you're gonna have to say fuck it and just decide on leaving a note/video/journal/email etc. to try and deal with the why's at least. Either that or you keep living. I am at the fuck it stage and now trying to figure out a method for myself. I feel it will cause a lot more hurt than if I died by accident but, well you know, fuck it.

 

[seekingoblivion]

No i understand, you have a point. Im just saying personally, I'd tell them everything that went down to bring me to this point. Cause, god forbid, if i had a kid in the future before i ctb amd they suicided i would wanna know whyand what led them to that. Sure it will kill me and id be a wreck but jta better than "what did i do? Did i say this? Maybe if i hadnt done that! Who hurt them? What hurt them!? And etc etc"

Well of course when it comes to ctb there're always questions. I was thinking more making it look like an accident versus making it a clear suicide as I saw OP mention the accident thing.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I read somewhere once that "suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on" yeah I know, it sounds like some pro-lifer guilt trip. Well it works, I feel guilty.

Like many of you, one of my biggest concerns with ctb is the pain it might cause my family, especially my mother. It just breaks my heart to think about how it will effect her.

she often says she worries about me and in my head I'm thinking "if only you knew what I was really thinking".

She doesn't know I'm suicidal but she know things aren't good me atm. I try to act like everything is fine when we speak. We live in different countries so we only speak on the phone.

Sometimes I consider saying something along the lines of " hey mum if anything happens to me it's okay. I don't fear death. And I don't mind if I die. It's just meant it was my time to go.

I would be a lot happier ctb if I could believe my loved ones will be okay after I pass. There must be some way of telling them I'm okay with being dead without mentioning suicide.

I can't leave a note because I need to make it look like an accident.

Any ideas guys?

You can't avoid passing the pain on. You need to make a choice whether you'd prefer to live with the pain yourself, or die and pass it on. It sucks but there's no win-win option here.

 

[End.of.the.line]

You can't avoid passing the pain on. You need to make a choice whether you'd prefer to live with the pain yourself, or die and pass it on. It sucks but there's no win-win option here.

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't ! What the fuck is this shit. This has to be some sort of sick joke. I've just had enough of it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I do! What the fuck is this shit. This has to be some sort of sick joke.

Tbh I don't 100% agree with the "passing on the pain" thing

Yes, people grieve - of course they do when someone dies and it's lovely of you to want to lessen their pain. If it's easier for you in your mind for your death to seem unintentional so they are less pained you go for it - and just leave some notes in your things or a diary mentioning feelings etc

It will be well. At the end of the day, you know in your heart what's right for you and the best way for your family so plan it your way x