I took ketamine, wrote a note. I wasnt 100% trying to end my life just didnt care if i woke up or not. My friend called and i answered the phone, the ketamine kicked in at sone point and next thibg i know two paramedics were im my bedroom. Thing is i work for the ambulance service at the same station as them. So a senior manager was called, i was taken to hospital, next day transfered to a mental health hospital by yet again 2 other of my collegues. So work were fully aware, i had to call in sick. Was kept off a further month after coming out of hospital. I was allowed back to work in december but told there was a chance i would be sacked due to having ketamine and not disclosing in my application i had been sectioned in 2008 also. Yesterday i was told the investigation has been fully dropped, im free to continue in my role and progress as normal. Its taken 5 months to be fully signed off fit for work (i was on light duties for abit) i have to agree to random drug and alcohol testing and just make sure mentally i let them know if im not feeling great. Its for patient protection too as im around serious medications and death everyday. I still have the suicidal thoughts but no urge to act on them, work actually keeps me stable, i love being in my green uniform helping others. I deal with mental health patients, take them into hospital but tbh they actually warm to me better than my collegues because i wont ever judge them, i was them sat there wanting to die so so bad, making plans, getting sectioned. I tell them dont let the uniform fool you i understand the constant internal fight between dying and living. It was hard as a patuent was told i work for the NHS and i was attacked on the ward but i never once thought i was above them, i was in awe some people have been through so much for so long. I lost my partner and was accused of basically letting her kill herself. Im still healing and this site is my rock still, i still have my SN stored away. Life isnt 100% back to normal it may not be for years but the NHS have been brilliant i cant thank them for enough for not giving up on me as a collegue and person