Mod note:
Trigger Warning
The following thread contain potentially triggering descriptions of sexual assault.
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(I don't think this thread will get much attention)
Just as the title says..victims of such horror..how did it felt while being raped/molested and how did YOU FEEL during the aftermath of it and still do..???
we all know what ptsd is like and it's symptoms and stuff and imagine the horror the victim must have suffered and still lives in..
And most of the times victim are just asked about how it happened and the details about what perpetrator did to them? But not much about how the victim felt and still feels...i know a lot of us never got the chance to say our feelings in DETAIL just brushed off with "i have ptsd" or just break down while speaking and i know everybody's story is different and so are there feelings...
So, i want to know how did yall felt during? After it? And still do?
Not the story but rather your feelings in depth..
I feel bad venting like this but no one ever listens. When I tell my friends, I get some pity and a "I'm so sorry" and in relationships this just disgusts them or basically gives them the idea that I will tolerate it. I told a therapist once about this and basically got a "that must have been really hard" response.
It feels different every time. When I was 11 a 17 year old girl on my swim team molested me, I remember crying in the shower after I came home from the swim meet. I felt dirty, but that isn't a good way of describing it. It felt like I had done something that I couldn't take back. I think as a kid it mostly impacts your innocence, and normal routines. I started to gain tons of weight, wear baggy clothes, and I would get changed alone instead of in the change room with the other girls. I also started watching porn to kind of convince myself that this was normal, and that I was still normal after what happened.
The next time I was 17. My boyfriend and I had just broken up, he cheated on me and was moving away. I felt like a idiot because I lost my virginity to him and we were together for two years and it just ended like that. I also hated how I looked, and so I was kind of mindlessly talking to guys to fill the void. There was this boy in my school who had a crush on me, he would always message me and lowkey stalked me, but I thought maybe that meant he liked me more. After all I had to ask my ex out and practically chase him to get him to date me, while this guy was fawning over me. That was too much backstory but essentially I agreed to go on a date with this guy. At the end of it he raped me. it was weird because I had forgotten that sex could hurt that much. I didn't really know how to respond. I just drove him home afterwards. I felt the same disgust, but this time it was more shameful. As a kid I didn't understand it, but now that I was older I couldn't soothe myself by forgetting or by pretending like it was normal. After too he told a bunch of people about how dry I was, and how I just did it immediately after only one date. I think this started me really hating myself. I tried all of the motivational bullshit, but at the end of it I still feel used and like a second class person. This i think also started some of my fetishes. I know its a more taboo symptom, but it happens.
Then finally I think this all culminated into a two year long relationship with a 30 year old who I met when I was 17. He was nice enough, and the sex was normal at first. When I would tell him about these things he would fain sympathy, but I think it just taught him what I would put up with. What would happen is I would get black out drunk, like the kind where you pass out or cant see properly, and I would wake up the next morning... knowing something had happened. That or I would get scarily high, I remember one time I started crying and panicking because he was trying to have sex with me, but I knew he hadn't smoked anything. I think I stayed with him for so long because it felt like I was already used enough, if I leave him then who would ever want me. Eventually I left him because he started becoming abusive in other ways, when I confronted him on what he did he put it on me. He said "how was I supposed to know how drunk you were?"
It hurts so bad. After that I just don't tell any one how I feel, or what happened anymore. 90% of people don't believe me when I do decide to share it with them, and if they do believe me they are clearly not listening. I have this deep desire to just go back, or start a new life where no one would have any idea that happened. Neither of those things will happen, and even if the ladder does it doesn't change the fact that I still have to live with it. So I just have to live with this deep hatred and disgust inside of me, or temporarily mellow it with drinking.
