Discussion How did u end up here?

[BardBarrie]

Ironically a news article saying how it should be banned in the UK.

Talk about the Striessand Effect.

 

[thealteredmind]

I think... I was looking for a good hanging method... eventually I joined because reddit /suicidewatch deleted my posts... because the mods there are super gay.

 

[JensenX]

Seems any coverage about the site only grows it, huh? Similar thing happened to me

It's basically about how horrible it is. Bit of a misrepresentation, to me. Anyway, here's the link:

Thank you! I managed to watch about half of the video then quit. That's about as much of his sanctimonious bs I could handle.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Oh, same thing with me. Nearly. As mentioned in one of my messages here I found it through YouTube, but I decided to join because of how bad I felt. And it got even worse

You feel worse now? I'm sorry. I started some kind of recovery - I wouldn't say I really recovered but everything is on a low level - somehow it's like adjusting to the new normal.

 

[Unknown21]

Someone on Reddit told me about.

 

[ecliptic]

I was researching about suicide and I stumbled upon this website.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I see you've been here for 4 years already, and made nearly 20,000 posts. It looks like this forum has kept you alive and well; it has given you a channel for getting things off your chest.

That pretty much sums it up, though even when I took a hiatus from this site, other things got in the way.

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

You feel worse now? I'm sorry. I started some kind of recovery - I wouldn't say I really recovered but everything is on a low level - somehow it's like adjusting to the new normal.

How do you recover from all that?

 

[Ambivalent1]

Childhood abuse, mental illness, failure in work-life, health issues, hopeless living situation, loneliness

 

[Praestat_Mori]

How do you recover from all that?

All problems that cause me depressive/suicidal episodes are external. After a big failure in life everything went wrong what could go wrong and every attempt to recover from it failed - it's like a curse. I gave up last year after another failure which led me here. I stopped fighting destiny by doing just nothing. My life isn't the worst just I cannot live the life I wanna live. Things calmed down and so did my stress. I'm not happy with my life bc it's not how I expect it to be but it's too good to just end it without hesitation. I'm not suffering any health issues on top of all that which is a big advantage and my general long-term situation may even improve.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I never really had a big turning point to end up here, it was after many years of being suicidal and stumbling upon a video about a "suicide cult" at a good time. I was going through severe dissociative and psychotic episodes before (and maybe the first few months after) joining but I don't think it affected my decision to join.

All problems that cause me depressive/suicidal episodes are external. After a big failure in life everything went wrong what could go wrong and every attempt to recover from it failed - it's like a curse. I gave up last year after another failure which led me here. I stopped fighting destiny by doing just nothing. My life isn't the worst just I cannot live the life I wanna live. Things calmed down and so did my stress. I'm not happy with my life bc it's not how I expect it to be but it's too good to just end it without hesitation. I'm not suffering any health issues on top of all that which is a big advantage and my general long-term situation may even improve.

I've seen you mention a big failure a few times but you never go into much detail about it. If you're willing to share more details can I ask what was it?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I've seen you mention a big failure a few times but you never go into much detail about it. If you're willing to share more details can I ask what was it?

I never go deep into it bc it makes me feel like a failure and it reminds me of a big missed chance that I will never have again in my life. Basically, my life goal always was to have made enough money not later than 50 to have a relaxed life until natural death, family genes are very good I can easily expect to reach 90+ with hardly any issues and I never wanted to die although I always accepted that kys is an option in the case of a big failure, health issues and all the like. An honorable suicide is always preferable to anything else if there is nothing left to be expected in a life.

I failed many times throughout my life but this time I could not recover anymore. You can compare it to playing the lottery every week with the same numbers and one day you cannot play / forget it/ any other reason and you would've won the jackpot on that day - you can kill yourself - chance missed.

In my case, I have seen the chance of Crypto being the next big thing to make a lot of money and to reach my big goal for life (that was in 2013). And funnily that happened right after a failure back then and I remember sitting in my room and saying to myself "If that fails again you can just kill yourself - life will be over - it's the last chance for you."

Well, the crypto project failed no later than 2019 but I rode a dead horse for too long. I tried to recover from that until last year, with various attempts, but everything failed what I tried not even a a stable bottom could be reached. Each time I tried to recover to find a base to build on again - but FAILED. The result was I ended up here and since I've given up on fighting destiny it seems I have found a bottom for now.

For context: I have no debt and I didn't lose money with crypto I just did not become rich to have a good life and I'm at 0 now with no relevant skills, almost 50. I neither have energy nor an idea that could work. I reject becoming a wage slave out of principle bc I never ever was one throughout my life and I have no hope left to gain anything even if I put efforts into it when the result would be only the chance of a wage slave job.

 

[tvwowacct]

Well, 11 years ago my therapist dropped me as a client, saying that I couldn't be helped....it took me 11 years to realize, she is right, soon to be "was" right in less than 5 days.

 

[rozeske]

Looking for info on how to hang myself. This and lostallhope were the only two sites I found relevant information on.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I was trying to look for any peaceful suicide methods which I could get access to. My thought process was along the lines that perhaps society has made a chemical which they use for a specific process and yet that same chemical can also be used to end one's life peacefully and also that this chemical would be easily accessible. When I joined this site to find information about suicide methods, I was taken aback about how much information on suicide methods there are here compared to everywhere else on the internet. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any method which is painless that I could access. There's SN which sounds nice but I can't access that sadly.

After that, I just stayed on this site because I feel like this is the only place which has people who understand me. Not everybody here can understand me but a few certainly can. Also, this place is better for venting as you can say what you want without having to risk getting hospitalised. If I were to share the views I have to society, they would just immediately label me as delusional and I don't want to bother with that because I know that I am not delusional... and other people here know that too. This place allows me to share views of mine which I normally can't hence why I'm still on this site

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

After that, I just stayed on this site because I feel like this is the only place which has people who understand me. Not everybody here can understand me but a few certainly can. Also, this place is better for venting as you can say what you want without having to risk getting hospitalised. If I were to share the views I have to society, they would just immediately label me as delusional and I don't want to bother with that because I know that I am not delusional... and other people here know that too. This place allows me to share views of mine which I normally can't hence why I'm still on this site

you know, i feel the same way you do. irl i`ve never felt understanding and etc. it`s the only safe place for me cause nobody will talk shit about what i feel and nobody will call me strange or smth. sometimes i think that`s the place i belong? idk.

 

[seph25]

I would have never considered this, but my life took a wrong turn. From tinnitus to dpdr and if that wasn't enough PSSD.

 

[floating_cloud]

Lost everything and wanted a place that can understand you unlike the other "help" places saw a video talking about it and now boom I'm here

 

[mtnbeing]

I found the original site many years ago when I was researching methods. I remember tearing up the first time I started browsing threads because I realized, "Holy shit, I am definitely not alone in this." Since then, I have used this forum for a variety of reasons: to seek community and resources, to hear others' stories and listen to them, to learn more about what I truly want in this life, etc. I find it criminal that folks want to ban/censor spaces like this because, when you actually do a deep search for suicidality support, you find a lot of hotlines and groups for those who have lost someone to suicide, but even less support for those who are suicidal. I am grateful for this community because it allows us to explore openly what we are actually experiencing, and it feels like a healthy space for connection.

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

I found the original site many years ago when I was researching methods. I remember tearing up the first time I started browsing threads because I realized, "Holy shit, I am definitely not alone in this." Since then, I have used this forum for a variety of reasons: to seek community and resources, to hear others' stories and listen to them, to learn more about what I truly want in this life, etc. I find it criminal that folks want to ban/censor spaces like this because, when you actually do a deep search for suicidality support, you find a lot of hotlines and groups for those who have lost someone to suicide, but even less support for those who are suicidal. I am grateful for this community because it allows us to explore openly what we are actually experiencing, and it feels like a healthy space for connection.

I totally agree with you. That`s really wrong to ban places like SaSu. As for me, last couple days I feel kinda better by sitting here and finding people who feel the same. It`s like a place where you really can be appreciated.

 

[nyahaha01]

The site itself I think I saw someone mention it on some 4chan board, but I don't remember which.

Probably r9k lol.

 

[JensenX]

I never go deep into it bc it makes me feel like a failure and it reminds me of a big missed chance that I will never have again in my life. Basically, my life goal always was to have made enough money not later than 50 to have a relaxed life until natural death, family genes are very good I can easily expect to reach 90+ with hardly any issues and I never wanted to die although I always accepted that kys is an option in the case of a big failure, health issues and all the like. An honorable suicide is always preferable to anything else if there is nothing left to be expected in a life.

I failed many times throughout my life but this time I could not recover anymore. You can compare it to playing the lottery every week with the same numbers and one day you cannot play / forget it/ any other reason and you would've won the jackpot on that day - you can kill yourself - chance missed.

In my case, I have seen the chance of Crypto being the next big thing to make a lot of money and to reach my big goal for life (that was in 2013). And funnily that happened right after a failure back then and I remember sitting in my room and saying to myself "If that fails again you can just kill yourself - life will be over - it's the last chance for you."

Well, the crypto project failed no later than 2019 but I rode a dead horse for too long. I tried to recover from that until last year, with various attempts, but everything failed what I tried not even a a stable bottom could be reached. Each time I tried to recover to find a base to build on again - but FAILED. The result was I ended up here and since I've given up on fighting destiny it seems I have found a bottom for now.

For context: I have no debt and I didn't lose money with crypto I just did not become rich to have a good life and I'm at 0 now with no relevant skills, almost 50. I neither have energy nor an idea that could work. I reject becoming a wage slave out of principle bc I never ever was one throughout my life and I have no hope left to gain anything even if I put efforts into it when the result would be only the chance of a wage slave job.

I relate to your situation as I'm in a similar place, but much worse. I'm 65. The main difference is that I've been trading FX to try to produce an income to support myself for the last 5 years. I've never fantasized about becoming rich but I understand your mindset as I have an acquaintance who thinks he is going to get rich on his XRP. I went broke, so my wife left. I'm not zero like you, but well below zero with substantial credit card debts. I'm in a foreign country with no chance of working to earn any wage.

There are no suitable options left for me. The choice is quite clear. I don't want to die, but I must. My life has been reduced to stressing about feeding myself and paying rent, knowing that soon that won't be possible. I'm selling my last possessions to survive. There is no purpose to my existence other than trying to stay alive. It's a living hell, with only the SI standing in the way of ending it.

 

[outrider567]

I'm really looking forward to hear some of your stories if u want to tell em. I don't know what else to write. I just want to talk to someone here.

The sudden death of my girlfriend after 35 years together, happened January of 2022(and last night I had 3 awful nightmares about her)

 

[demitriusmigsysvotf]

The sudden death of my girlfriend after 35 years together, happened January of 2022(and last night I had 3 awful nightmares about her)

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hadn't have such a long relationship but a I had a girlfriend which were for the first time really nice to me. But then at some point it all just fucked up. Everything went to a period of some shit where I was the one that made all the mistakes even though sometimes I didn't realise I made em. I understand that my words may sound stupid and childish to you but she was everything to me. Or maybe I'm just a depressed kid idk. You are in a bad state now and I hope you'll get better sometime.

 

[astr4]

i was googling stuff like "suicide pact forum" and found the partners thread. just wanted a friend at the end of the world.

 

[JensenX]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I hadn't have such a long relationship but a I had a girlfriend which were for the first time really nice to me. But then at some point it all just fucked up. Everything went to a period of some shit where I was the one that made all the mistakes even though sometimes I didn't realise I made em. I understand that my words may sound stupid and childish to you but she was everything to me. Or maybe I'm just a depressed kid idk. You are in a bad state now and I hope you'll get better sometime.

I was with the same woman for 20 years, but it wasn't until my financial problems started that I realised what a narcissistic bitch she was. I wasted half of my adult life with her. She was a lot younger than me, so she quickly found someone else.

i was googling stuff like "suicide pact forum" and found the partners thread. just wanted a friend at the end of the world.

Yes, a friend who doesn't think you are crazy and wants to try to fix you.

Little do "normal" people realise how out of touch with reality they are. They can't comprehend any situation where a person might want to end their life. They want you to suffer until you're old, then slowly die a "natural death" from some degenerative disease in an old-age home playing bingo.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I relate to your situation as I'm in a similar place, but much worse. I'm 65. The main difference is that I've been trading FX to try to produce an income to support myself for the last 5 years. I've never fantasized about becoming rich but I understand your mindset as I have an acquaintance who thinks he is going to get rich on his XRP. I went broke, so my wife left. I'm not zero like you, but well below zero with substantial credit card debts. I'm in a foreign country with no chance of working to earn any wage.

There are no suitable options left for me. The choice is quite clear. I don't want to die, but I must. My life has been reduced to stressing about feeding myself and paying rent, knowing that soon that won't be possible. I'm selling my last possessions to survive. There is no purpose to my existence other than trying to stay alive. It's a living hell, with only the SI standing in the way of ending it.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Can you go "home"? To your native country? Luckily I live in a foreign country - I wouldn't be able to live in my native country. My wife and family don't expect me to be rich it's a personal thing and an expectation I have for myself and now it's a kind of trauma.

It's so awful when people have to kill themselves bc of unsolvable problems when they would prefer to live. I wish you could find a better solution.

 

[blacklemonade]

im suicidal since forever, almost all my life, ive had a very tough childhood and still suffering from it today, i never felt like i belong anywhere, i dont know how to exist in society, everytime i wake up i wish i wasnt, im tired my heart feels broken, i have friends and family that loves me, but they dont understand that i still feel this particular pain inside of me, its feeding on me, i dont want to exist, because for me existance hurts,
i dont have anyone to seriously talk about these things so ive searched the internet for a community that does.and im so happy to have found sasu.

 

[pollux]

Probably r9k lol.

Given the subject, yeah. But I don't often go on /r9k/, so I don't think it was that honestly. But I genuinely can't remember.

 

[JensenX]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Can you go "home"? To your native country? Luckily I live in a foreign country - I wouldn't be able to live in my native country. My wife and family don't expect me to be rich it's a personal thing and an expectation I have for myself and now it's a kind of trauma.

It's so awful when people have to kill themselves bc of unsolvable problems when they would prefer to live. I wish you could find a better solution.

Unfortunately, I've been living in a foreign country for so long that I have no contacts, family or friends in my home country. I've been out for over 20 years and I'd be homeless. I would survive, yes (if I could afford the airfare) but I'm not interested in surviving any more. I've been doing that for a long time already and it sucks. What sort of life can a homeless 65-year-old man look forward to? I have some health issues too, so my time could come at any time. My father passed away at age 49. I even find it hard to sleep and get about 4 hours a night on average. I wake up and can hear my heart pounding fast on my pillow. Living with the constant stress of survival is not healthy.

im suicidal since forever, almost all my life, ive had a very tough childhood and still suffering from it today, i never felt like i belong anywhere, i dont know how to exist in society, everytime i wake up i wish i wasnt, im tired my heart feels broken, i have friends and family that loves me, but they dont understand that i still feel this particular pain inside of me, its feeding on me, i dont want to exist, because for me existance hurts,
i dont have anyone to seriously talk about these things so ive searched the internet for a community that does.and im so happy to have found sasu.

Perhaps a reality check might help. I could end my life right now, and my body would not be discovered until my landlord was looking for his rent and discovered my rotting corpse. No one would know or care. My body would be unclaimed and dumped into an unmarked grave. You have friends and family that love you. Get a fucking grip mate. You're not ready yet.