I have one bipolar friend. She wants to become a therapist but probably never will become one due to her illness. She is always so fucking positive. When I told her I feel like I don't belong to this world. I am just not made for it. She told me she completely relates to that and this is why she came to the conclusion she has to change the world. My inner thought was "Well I probably have to kill myself then" but did not say that out loud to that time. She knew I had suicidal thoughts. But never how intense and serious they were. I considered to kill myself some days ago. And I wanted that some people know my reasoning about this decision. I am not sure whether I want to do this for me or for them. I want to be understood. I want that they have it easier to cope with it. And I hope they won't lable it as an irrational action done impulsively without really considering alternatives. After she said the thing about changing the world I almost lost interest in the contact. Such a reasoning sounds completely ridiculous and naive. But I like her still she is smart and she also suffers a lot. Well the talk had no good outcome as you might assumed by the title of this thread.
I try to sum it up. I told her how much I struggle about my extreme fears and anxiety. She wondered why therapy did not work for me. (I tried that 3 times). She wanted to know whether I really was engaged in the therapy with my full will. And yes I absolutely did that espcecially at the last one. I told her I am still ruminating excessively every single day and that my sorrows overwhelm me daily. I told her I know the roots of my problems. That in my first interactions with crushs I turn psychotic which ruined so many relationships in the past. And that I die innerly because of the shame and loneliness. That I am unable to work and that I am so so fucking desperate having to endure poverty. I know I will kill myself if I end up on welfare forever other therapists came to that conclusion too (which I did not openly say to her at this point.) Then I told her that I am just unable to go through the insane pain from another crash from mania/psychosis into depression with extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am chronically suicidal since a decade I just don't have the strength to endure that more often especially due to the fact how hopeless the whole circumstances of my life are.
She replied that my sorrows and fears were disproportionate and unreasonable. Then she wanted to have a debate what I actually consider to be a life worth living or not worth living. I told her I cannot understand people in similar bad conditons who don't develop suicidal thoughts. She said if everyone had such a mindset humans would not exist anymore. (I later told her I somewhat sympathize with antinatalism.)
I elaborated on the reasons why two therapists gave up on me. That I had the desire to pull off my own skin since I was 15. That I am extremely anxious that this insane psychosomatic pain returns. (which is very likely due to the fact my condition is cyclic). I told her I had the feeling one of my therapists did not genuinely care about me when she gave me up (She was an horrendous therapist. At the same time I emphasized that another therapist cared about me.) I said to her that my psychiatrist only stammered "That, that is impossible" when I wanted to talk with her about assisted suicide.
Her reply was the topic suicide just overburdens many people. Well they are fucking psychiatrists and psychologists they should be able to handle that. This is no excuse for me. She told me she does not want to talk about this topic on the internet which sounded like a pretty lame excuse. For me it felt like everyone says we have to talk about suicide, this topic must not be a taboo. But if there are people with persisting suicidal thoughts where therapy and medication did not work they all find lame excuses why this topic is too touchy for them. Only one narrative is allowed. On facebook it is forbidden to say openly I want to have assisted suicide. Toxic positivity is allowed everywhere. But if your desperation is part of your daily thoughts you have to swallow it down in order not to ruin everyone's mood. And if there are places on the internet where can speak openly about your desire to die they want to censor it and shut it down.
She told me she kind of feels offended when I said I cannot understand why people in horrible conditions don't want to commit suicide. It is irrational for me. She was offended by that. (due to her situation) And do you remember it the exact opposite was the opinion of one of my therapists in that clinic. He said wanting to commit suicide seems to be irrational for him, He also called people who ctb insane. In front of her I defended him still. It is true he genuinely cared about my case. But she also felt offended because I said that I think the other therapist who gave me up did not care about me at all. (which was simply the truth)
I have the feeling the people don't want an open discussion with people like me. They all pretend we had to talk openly about suicide but when voices like mine come up they all find lame excuses. I am suicidal since a decade, tried over 25 medication, had 3 psychotherapies, more than 5 clinic stays. "We all have to talk more openly about suicide." (not her quote but the society). Bitch my ass. You don't give a fuck about people like me. They throw antidepressants at you and raise their voice "How dare you to insist that you want to die." Psychiatrists in clinics laughed me out of the room when I wanted to talk with them about assisted suicide. At the same clinic at a later time point they told me I felt too good for being in a clinic and that my psychiatrist should not have sent me again to another clinic stay. Well if you did not treat me like I might be more willing to give another clinic stay a try. But honestly I just hate how the psychiatry treats suicidal people. I am too rational to avoid a clinic stay simply for such an anecdote but honestly my life quality is horrendous and I am more and more with my back against the wall.
I am desperate.
I try to sum it up. I told her how much I struggle about my extreme fears and anxiety. She wondered why therapy did not work for me. (I tried that 3 times). She wanted to know whether I really was engaged in the therapy with my full will. And yes I absolutely did that espcecially at the last one. I told her I am still ruminating excessively every single day and that my sorrows overwhelm me daily. I told her I know the roots of my problems. That in my first interactions with crushs I turn psychotic which ruined so many relationships in the past. And that I die innerly because of the shame and loneliness. That I am unable to work and that I am so so fucking desperate having to endure poverty. I know I will kill myself if I end up on welfare forever other therapists came to that conclusion too (which I did not openly say to her at this point.) Then I told her that I am just unable to go through the insane pain from another crash from mania/psychosis into depression with extreme psychosomatic pain again. I am chronically suicidal since a decade I just don't have the strength to endure that more often especially due to the fact how hopeless the whole circumstances of my life are.
She replied that my sorrows and fears were disproportionate and unreasonable. Then she wanted to have a debate what I actually consider to be a life worth living or not worth living. I told her I cannot understand people in similar bad conditons who don't develop suicidal thoughts. She said if everyone had such a mindset humans would not exist anymore. (I later told her I somewhat sympathize with antinatalism.)
I elaborated on the reasons why two therapists gave up on me. That I had the desire to pull off my own skin since I was 15. That I am extremely anxious that this insane psychosomatic pain returns. (which is very likely due to the fact my condition is cyclic). I told her I had the feeling one of my therapists did not genuinely care about me when she gave me up (She was an horrendous therapist. At the same time I emphasized that another therapist cared about me.) I said to her that my psychiatrist only stammered "That, that is impossible" when I wanted to talk with her about assisted suicide.
Her reply was the topic suicide just overburdens many people. Well they are fucking psychiatrists and psychologists they should be able to handle that. This is no excuse for me. She told me she does not want to talk about this topic on the internet which sounded like a pretty lame excuse. For me it felt like everyone says we have to talk about suicide, this topic must not be a taboo. But if there are people with persisting suicidal thoughts where therapy and medication did not work they all find lame excuses why this topic is too touchy for them. Only one narrative is allowed. On facebook it is forbidden to say openly I want to have assisted suicide. Toxic positivity is allowed everywhere. But if your desperation is part of your daily thoughts you have to swallow it down in order not to ruin everyone's mood. And if there are places on the internet where can speak openly about your desire to die they want to censor it and shut it down.
She told me she kind of feels offended when I said I cannot understand why people in horrible conditions don't want to commit suicide. It is irrational for me. She was offended by that. (due to her situation) And do you remember it the exact opposite was the opinion of one of my therapists in that clinic. He said wanting to commit suicide seems to be irrational for him, He also called people who ctb insane. In front of her I defended him still. It is true he genuinely cared about my case. But she also felt offended because I said that I think the other therapist who gave me up did not care about me at all. (which was simply the truth)
I have the feeling the people don't want an open discussion with people like me. They all pretend we had to talk openly about suicide but when voices like mine come up they all find lame excuses. I am suicidal since a decade, tried over 25 medication, had 3 psychotherapies, more than 5 clinic stays. "We all have to talk more openly about suicide." (not her quote but the society). Bitch my ass. You don't give a fuck about people like me. They throw antidepressants at you and raise their voice "How dare you to insist that you want to die." Psychiatrists in clinics laughed me out of the room when I wanted to talk with them about assisted suicide. At the same clinic at a later time point they told me I felt too good for being in a clinic and that my psychiatrist should not have sent me again to another clinic stay. Well if you did not treat me like I might be more willing to give another clinic stay a try. But honestly I just hate how the psychiatry treats suicidal people. I am too rational to avoid a clinic stay simply for such an anecdote but honestly my life quality is horrendous and I am more and more with my back against the wall.
I am desperate.
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