How can I kill myself and minimize the pain I cause my boyfriend?

[ScorpiusDragon]

I've pretty much decided I'm going to kill myself. I haven't picked a time or method yet, but I don't see myself living to celebrate my 26th birthday.
The biggest issue I see is the pain I'd cause my boyfriend. We've been together for two years, and he loves me a lot. I know he'd be devastated if I killed myself.
For now, I decided that if I kill myself, I'd have to do it in a hotel, so he won't be the first one to find my body. Is there anything else I can do to try to minimize the pain?

 

[omw/2/ctb]

I've thought a lot about how others will react to my loss. I know that grief is bad enough, but suicide adds a lot of other unpleasant complications for survivors. I worry that two people in particular may decide to ctb if they knew I did. For that
reason and others, I'm thinking of a method that looks like an accident. I can't pm yet but you can send me a kik message (omw2ctb) if you want to talk privately about it.

 

[lastNamePicked]

most effective option: talk to him about it. (of course thus comes the risk of prevention)
second most effective option: write a letter adressing him personally, arguing your reasoning behind your decision.
generally, people feel better knowing their beloved ones died peacefully.

 

[Maria M]

most effective option: talk to him about it. (of course thus comes the risk of prevention)
second most effective option: write a letter adressing him personally, arguing your reasoning behind your decision.
generally, people feel better knowing their beloved ones died peacefully.

I wouldn't talk to him about it unless you're okay with him trying to talk you out of it. Also, he could force you to be hospitalized if you tell him your intentions. Stick to writing a letter.

 

[Sunlight99]

I was reading your post in the other thread. I'm going to through out a bold, potentially offensive idea in our current political climate: Would stopping being a lawyer help, and focus on being a housewife and mother give you fulfillment? I was reading about highly successful female lawyers being really depressed, and choosing to leave law. They usually marry guys who make lots of money anyway, and after they meet their basic needs the money doesn't make them happier. They ask themselves, why am I working a million hours a week for money I don't need, and not having children to love?

I think women have been sold a lie that working outside the home is good, and taking care of the home, being a loving mother, and supportive wife is belittling and backwards. I'm not saying women inferior to men, but I think the majority would be more fulfilled focusing on family. Women are more hardwired to read infant emotions for example so she understands his needs, like what a particular cry means. When the infant is breastfeeding, he spits milk back into the mothers breast, and she regulates the temperature for him. They are synced in a way that the man and the infant are not.

If you are a lawyer, you are very intelligent so you would need to stay intellectually active, but fortunately there is so much information online to read, so many ways to learn...you can learn to play piano for instance and make beautiful music for your family.

Our society is so messed up. People really should grow up by 12, rather than what we have now where adolescence is extended into the 30s. People should be married by 18 and start having children. I think they'd be so much more fulfilled, especially the women, than working in an office. I know you don't do this, but I'll never understand why women think it's better to work at an office making pointless PowerPoint presentations all day, making their boss (who is usually male) rich rather than making the home look beautiful, cooking delicious meals, and raising children.

If you wanted to work, you could go back part time when the kids become 13.

 

[bluesleep]

Maybe record a video, tell him how you feel about him and ask him to understand. Tell him it's not his fault and there's nothing he could have done. If he's not at fault, make sure he doesn't feel guilty about it.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I was reading your post in the other thread. I'm going to through out a bold, potentially offensive idea in our current political climate: Would stopping being a lawyer help, and focus on being a housewife and mother give you fulfillment? I was reading about highly successful female lawyers being really depressed, and choosing to leave law. They usually marry guys who make lots of money anyway, and after they meet their basic needs the money doesn't make them happier. They ask themselves, why am I working a million hours a week for money I don't need, and not having children to love?

I think women have been sold a lie that working outside the home is good, and taking care of the home, being a loving mother, and supportive wife is belittling and backwards. I'm not saying women inferior to men, but I think the majority would be more fulfilled focusing on family. Women are more hardwired to read infant emotions for example so she understands his needs, like what a particular cry means. When the infant is breastfeeding, he spits milk back into the mothers breast, and she regulates the temperature for him. They are synced in a way that the man and the infant are not.

If you are a lawyer, you are very intelligent so you would need to stay intellectually active, but fortunately there is so much information online to read, so many ways to learn...you can learn to play piano for instance and make beautiful music for your family.

Our society is so messed up. People really should grow up by 12, rather than what we have now where adolescence is extended into the 30s. People should be married by 18 and start having children. I think they'd be so much more fulfilled, especially the women, than working in an office. I know you don't do this, but I'll never understand why women think it's better to work at an office making pointless PowerPoint presentations all day, making their boss (who is usually male) rich rather than making the home look beautiful, cooking delicious meals, and raising children.

If you wanted to work, you could go back part time when the kids become 13.

I don't think having children will solve my problems. My problems involve the issues I accumulated because of my childhood trauma. With or without children, I'll still be depressed. The only difference is that if I have children, I won't be able to leave this world without leaving them lifelong psychological scars.

 

[Sunlight99]

Regarding your anxiety, I am sorry you experience that. My home was violent most days as a childhood, and I was completely traumatized by it. I stopped so many activists that could have given me fulfillment later in life.

In college, I could barely speak in class. I somehow became very close to a girl but she rejected me, lots of people died, I was unemployed and couldn't get out of bed.

I have been able to lesson my anxiety by exposing myself to new experiences. My depression is still here almost everyday, but the anxiety has lessened. When I was your age, I was laying in bed for a year and my parents said nothing. I could barely lift my head. At 36, my anxiety has lessened, probably because of time. This is something to consider. I was shaking all the time at 26, and now it's more manageable.

I still feel depressed and of course here I am on the SS board. I more secretly hope for a terminal illness or just think about suicide when I am old, have no wife and no children to take care of me.

Have tried a PTSD therapist?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Regarding your anxiety, I am sorry you experience that. My home was violent most days as a childhood, and I was completely traumatized by it. I stopped so many activists that could have given me fulfillment later in life.

In college, I could barely speak in class. I somehow became very close to a girl but she rejected me, lots of people died, I was unemployed and couldn't get out of bed.

I have been able to lesson my anxiety by exposing myself to new experiences. My depression is still here almost everyday, but the anxiety has lessened. When I was your age, I was laying in bed for a year and my parents said nothing. I could barely lift my head. At 36, my anxiety has lessened, probably because of time. This is something to consider. I was shaking all the time at 26, and now it's more manageable.

I still feel depressed and of course here I am on the SS board. I more secretly hope for a terminal illness or just think about suicide when I am old, have no wife and no children to take care of me.

Have tried a PTSD therapist?

I've tried therapy. It didn't help me at all.

 

[Sunlight99]

I've tried therapy. It didn't help me at all.

I can relate. Therapy did help in that my therapist was the first person i told about the abuse who believed me. That made me feel less insane. But overall it didn't help.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your anxiety and abuse?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I can relate. Therapy did help in that my therapist was the first person i told about the abuse who believed me. That made me feel less insane. But overall it didn't help.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your anxiety and abuse?

yes he knows, but he doesn't know what to do. He accompanies me when I go to the psychiatrist and monitors me to make sure I take my meds. He was there for me when I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. It has been rough for him, but he tries his best to be supportive.

 

[Maria M]

Keep in mind that some meds increase depression for some people, and a lot of doctors don't medicate people properly. Maybe get another opinion regarding what you're taking. I speak from experience, unfortunately.

 

[Sunlight99]

I tried every medication, including all the ones not designed for depression but they give you if the main ones don't work. Nothing helped me.

I breaks my heart that experienced this abuse. People don't realize the damage their actions cause.

 

[Maria M]

I tried every medication, including all the ones not designed for depression but they give you if the main ones don't work. Nothing helped me.

I breaks my heart that experienced this abuse. People don't realize the damage their actions cause.

I can believe that. Sorry to hear that. Did you try any types of brain stimulation? Someone told me it was effective for them, but I realize everyone's circumstances are different.

Medications destroyed my life, and it took me too long to figure out what was going on. The past year really did me in.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I can believe that. Sorry to hear that. Did you try any types of brain stimulation? Someone told me it was effective for them, but I realize everyone's circumstances are different.

Medications destroyed my life, and it took me too long to figure out what was going on. The past year really did me in.

how did medications destroy your life?

 

[Sunlight99]

I can believe that. Sorry to hear that. Did you try any types of brain stimulation? Someone told me it was effective for them, but I realize everyone's circumstances are different.

Medications destroyed my life, and it took me too long to figure out what was going on. The past year really did me in.

I have not tried brain stimulation. You mean those headbands you wear that kind of jolt your brain? I did not know about them at the time I was doing therapy.

I would try it if I could just get a hold of one on my own. I don't want to go through talking to my doctor, then going to a therapist, talking about all the stuff, and then having to fight to get it. I hate having all that on my medical record too because anytime you have something wrong they just say you're depressed.

 

[Maria M]

I have not tried brain stimulation. You mean those headbands you wear that kind of jolt your brain? I did not know about them at the time I was doing therapy.

I would try it if I could just get a hold of one on my own. I don't want to go through talking to my doctor, then going to a therapist, talking about all the stuff, and then having to fight to get it. I hate having all that on my medical record too because anytime you have something wrong they just say you're depressed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation I think it's only done at office visits. If it might be beneficial to you, then it makes sense to go to the doctors, etc. I wouldn't be concerned about depression being on your medical record as long as it doesn't state that you're suicidal.

how did medications destroy your life?

It's a long story and I'm feeling tired right now. Liver damage, etc. I'll catch up later.

 

[Sunlight99]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcranial_magnetic_stimulation I think it's only done at office visits. If it might be beneficial to you, then it makes sense to go to the doctors, etc. I wouldn't be concerned about depression being on your medical record as long as it doesn't state that you're suicidal.

It's a long story and I'm feeling tired right now. Liver damage, etc. I'll catch up later.

I just looked into this and I was thinking of trying Alpha - Stim Aid Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulate. I like the idea of having one at one I can use whenever I need it.

https://www.alpha-stim.com/product/alpha-stim-aid-cranial-electrotherapy-stimulator/

I've pretty much decided I'm going to kill myself. I haven't picked a time or method yet, but I don't see myself living to celebrate my 26th birthday.
The biggest issue I see is the pain I'd cause my boyfriend. We've been together for two years, and he loves me a lot. I know he'd be devastated if I killed myself.
For now, I decided that if I kill myself, I'd have to do it in a hotel, so he won't be the first one to find my body. Is there anything else I can do to try to minimize the pain?

As a man, I think if my girlfriend committed suicide I would feel like a complete failure as a man. Man have a natural desire to protect women. It would be a blow to his masculinity.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I just looked into this and I was thinking of trying Alpha - Stim Aid Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulate. I like the idea of having one at one I can use whenever I need it.

https://www.alpha-stim.com/product/alpha-stim-aid-cranial-electrotherapy-stimulator/


As a man, I think if my girlfriend committed suicide I would feel like a complete failure as a man. Man have a natural desire to protect women. It would be a blow to his masculinity.

I just looked into this and I was thinking of trying Alpha - Stim Aid Cranial Electrotherapy Stimulate. I like the idea of having one at one I can use whenever I need it.

https://www.alpha-stim.com/product/alpha-stim-aid-cranial-electrotherapy-stimulator/


As a man, I think if my girlfriend committed suicide I would feel like a complete failure as a man. Man have a natural desire to protect women. It would be a blow to his masculinity.

I'm aware my suicide would be devastating for him. He would probably blame himself and wonder what he could have done.
At this point, he is the only reason I haven't killed myself. I can't keep doing this though. Living is too painful. I wouldn't have chosen this existence if I could choose.
I'm extremely sorry for the pain I'd cause...I've been considering breaking up with him to possibly lessen the pain.

 

[Sunlight99]

I'm aware my suicide would be devastating for him. He would probably blame himself and wonder what he could have done.
At this point, he is the only reason I haven't killed myself. I can't keep doing this though. Living is too painful. I wouldn't have chosen this existence if I could choose.
I'm extremely sorry for the pain I'd cause...I've been considering breaking up with him to possibly lessen the pain.

Is there a certain aspect of living that is too painful? Do you feel this way all the time, or is it intensified in certain situations?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Is there a certain aspect of living that is too painful? Do you feel this way all the time, or is it intensified in certain situations?

^I'm active on Reddit. If you care to, feel free to look over my post history. Most of my posts either revolve around discussing my childhood trauma or looking for suicide methods.
I don't have the energy to go into my childhood trauma, so sending you this link is convenient. The oldest post is from a year ago, so I've had these thoughts for a long time.

 

[Sunlight99]

^I'm active on Reddit. If you care to, feel free to look over my post history. Most of my posts either revolve around discussing my childhood trauma or looking for suicide methods.
I don't have the energy to go into my childhood trauma, so sending you this link is convenient. The oldest post is from a year ago, so I've had these thoughts for a long time.

You may not feel up to this right now, but I'm curious as to why your social skills are weak. Is it because you felt pressure to be perfect, and that leads to anxiety around people? You subconsciously are afraid of being imperfect?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

You may not feel up to this right now, but I'm curious as to why your social skills are weak. Is it because you felt pressure to be perfect, and that leads to anxiety around people? You subconsciously are afraid of being imperfect?

When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me leave the house unless it was to go to school. I was forced to spend almost all my time studying because in there eyes, any grades under 98 was death. I remember being terrified of getting 96's because of the screaming and beating sessions that followed. My mom once threatened to commit suicide in front of me because I got a 92 on a test. I was 7 years old at the time.
To my parents, if I was talking to friends, I was wasting time and was doomed to grow up to be a garbage collector. If they caught me going on Facebook, you would think I committed murder based on the way they reacted.
I had little opportunity to socialize as a kid. By the time I got to college, I was so developmentally stunted that it was painfully obvious. At age 18, I probably had the life exposure level of a 12-year old, and everyone around me sensed it.
I had no problems landing my first job because of my Ivy League diploma. But the process of socially navigating the workplace has been hell.

You may not feel up to this right now, but I'm curious as to why your social skills are weak. Is it because you felt pressure to be perfect, and that leads to anxiety around people? You subconsciously are afraid of being imperfect?

I don't think it's fear of being imperfect. I think I just see myself for what I am.

 

[littlepillbox]

Scorpius, it's your life. You have to live it for you, if you're going to. He's going to be upset no matter what because he loves you, but you're in pain, and he wouldn't be happy knowing you're suffering, either.

 

[Sunlight99]

When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me leave the house unless it was to go to school. I was forced to spend almost all my time studying because in there eyes, any grades under 98 was death. I remember being terrified of getting 96's because of the screaming and beating sessions that followed. My mom once threatened to commit suicide in front of me because I got a 92 on a test. I was 7 years old at the time.
To my parents, if I was talking to friends, I was wasting time and was doomed to grow up to be a garbage collector. If they caught me going on Facebook, you would think I committed murder based on the way they reacted.
I had little opportunity to socialize as a kid. By the time I got to college, I was so developmentally stunted that it was painfully obvious. At age 18, I probably had the life exposure level of a 12-year old, and everyone around me sensed it.
I had no problems landing my first job because of my Ivy League diploma. But the process of socially navigating the workplace has been hell.

I don't think it's fear of being imperfect. I think I just see myself for what I am.

Could you work on social skills through a class of some kind? Could you explain to your boss, when he criticizes your social problems, your history so he understands why you are this way? You could work on one social skill, maybe every six months not to get overwhelmed.

It's something that you have a boyfriend. You were willing to meet him and go on a date. You have love, which you didn't have as a kid.

I was stunted socially as well because of my parents violence, but my parents didn't care what I did. It was almost as bad in a way. I can't believe no one took me aside and tried to help me. I ended up shunning all my friends and just staying home, never wanting to bring friends over because I was afraid of my parents. My social skills were terrible in college. I was a freak and I feel so embarrassed when I see someone from that time. I feel so sad thinking I could have been with a wonderful girl if I had been better socialized. But she left me for a man who was wealthier, more successful, and probably didn't go through crazy trauma that messed him up.

One thing I did after college was force myself to talk to strangers every weekend. I'd start conversations in situations where it wouldn't be weird. I learned to approach women I didn't know. It has helped. I knew if I didn't do this I would become homeless.

I cut off my parents for a few years. It didn't work. I couldn't get rid of them. They've stained my life. If they had showed me real love, I could have a wife to love. Most of my life I've felt incapable of being loved. I had difficulty trusting people. I rejected their love because I never had it growing up.

I still think you should consider quitting your job and becoming a housewife and mother, maybe growing a garden, doing something soothing in nature. Live a simple life. You could make it your mission to be a good mother, one who has a balance between wanting her children to succeed, and letting them make mistakes. Maybe one day when you're older you can even write a book about all this to help others.

In my experience, the anxiety and depression from childhood trauma has gone down with age. The depression still hurts and I feel helpless a lot, but I do think time heals a bit.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Could you work on social skills through a class of some kind? Could you explain to your boss, when he criticizes your social problems, your history so he understands why you are this way? You could work on one social skill, maybe every six months not to get overwhelmed.

It's something that you have a boyfriend. You were willing to meet him and go on a date. You have love, which you didn't have as a kid.

I was stunted socially as well because of my parents violence, but my parents didn't care what I did. It was almost as bad in a way. I can't believe no one took me aside and tried to help me. I ended up shunning all my friends and just staying home, never wanting to bring friends over because I was afraid of my parents. My social skills were terrible in college. I was a freak and I feel so embarrassed when I see someone from that time. I feel so sad thinking I could have been with a wonderful girl if I had been better socialized. But she left me for a man who was wealthier, more successful, and probably didn't go through crazy trauma that messed him up.

One thing I did after college was force myself to talk to strangers every weekend. I'd start conversations in situations where it wouldn't be weird. I learned to approach women I didn't know. It has helped. I knew if I didn't do this I would become homeless.

I cut off my parents for a few years. It didn't work. I couldn't get rid of them. They've stained my life. If they had showed me real love, I could have a wife to love. Most of my life I've felt incapable of being loved. I had difficulty trusting people. I rejected their love because I never had it growing up.

I still think you should consider quitting your job and becoming a housewife and mother, maybe growing a garden, doing something soothing in nature. Live a simple life. You could make it your mission to be a good mother, one who has a balance between wanting her children to succeed, and letting them make mistakes. Maybe one day when you're older you can even write a book about all this to help others.

In my experience, the anxiety and depression from childhood trauma has gone down with age. The depression still hurts and I feel helpless a lot, but I do think time heals a bit.

My boss would literally give zero shits about a sob story. In his mind, my bad social skills are bad for business. I need to do what should be done to bring in the profits, so a shitty upbringing with shitty parents doesn't matter.

 

[Sunlight99]

I'd just quite and become a housewife and mother. It's far more meaningful.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I'd just quite and become a housewife and mother. It's far more meaningful.

I wouldn't find it meaningful. Maybe some women would, but I don't want kids.

 

[Nem]

I don't think you can minimize the devastation to your boyfriend, it's just the way it is. I think once you reach a certain level a person just doesn't care anymore and ends their life regardless.
Hugs

 

[Sunlight99]

I wouldn't find it meaningful. Maybe some women would, but I don't want kids.

You've been brainwashed to think they way. There are elite people in the world who want women to say that, they want men addicted to porn, they want all these people to stay children, they want divorce, because it is difficult to control strong families. They want people to rely on the state.

Stop engaging with popular culture. It's been inserted into popular culture and education for a reason. Remove the feminist bullshit from your life, remove all the propaganda you take in. This is the only option to having a better life.