Monet
;; ♡
- Dec 22, 2025
- 4
Mature readers only for this, please.
My whole life is permeated with a sense of emptiness and loss. I do not feel or remember easily, I feel like a husk of a woman and my internals are wasting at a constant slow, dragging gait. My senses are dull and my perception of the world and of others is muddled. When others reach out to connect to me, I am like a smooth, dull river stone. Nothing latches, everything slides right off, when someone attempts to grab or hold me, their grasp slips immediately.
I don't know how I got into this situation. How I even managed to love or be loved at all. Nothing is stopping me from stepping into the haze and comfort of an eternal final rest but one man. I am a miserable person to be with, I am bitter, reflective, melancholic, and solitary. Yet this one man is determined to love me anyway. Late at night he holds onto me so tightly it's impossible to move and tells me how deeply he needs me in his life. When I can't get up in the morning he crouches at my bedside and kisses my hand. "I love you." Even though I tell him that I'm no longer this woman he loves, that I'm a mask or shadow, that he's crazy if he expects otherwise. "I love you." Late at night when I become the most inconsolable with an all-consuming hopelessness. "I love you."
He's known me my entire life. I've known his for his. He knows how my voice sounds when I'm dull and irritated. He knows how I dress, how I set my hair, and how I prefer my makeup. I know his favorite movies, video games, and music and things he's told me that he's never told anyone. We know each other better than anyone, better than our parents, siblings, any best friend ever has. We are each other's first manifestations of love, or any idea of it. He is the first and only man I've ever let near me, or let touch me. I hate the internal contradiction he causes. That's the trouble with it.
I can't stop thinking of the grief I will bring him if I die. I know it will devastate him. He hasn't even lost me yet and already misses me. I will go somewhere he cannot follow. My life is unbearable for me and I cannot bear most experiences, expectations, and responsibilities, but his love, patience, and understanding with me is crushing. He is desperate to keep me alive and happy while I have been emotionally dead for so long. How do I manage his future heartbreak? He has done so much and I haven't been able to return a single thing. I know I'm lucky to be loved this deeply, desperately, in an all-consuming way that both saves me and destroys me. Trying to get him to stop is futile and nothing I've done or been has diminished his dedication to me in the slightest. He feels my pain tenfold, my emptiness or hopelessness, it makes him shake and fall to his knees, and he presses thousands of kisses to my skin as though he is hoping his love for me will seep through my skin into my bloodstream and in turn I will begin to love myself because of his efforts. I'll break his heart, and for that I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I'm caught between his persistent demonstrations of love, passion, and his desire for a beautiful life with me, and the weight the world carries that makes me desperate to disappear. I want to know what I should do.
My whole life is permeated with a sense of emptiness and loss. I do not feel or remember easily, I feel like a husk of a woman and my internals are wasting at a constant slow, dragging gait. My senses are dull and my perception of the world and of others is muddled. When others reach out to connect to me, I am like a smooth, dull river stone. Nothing latches, everything slides right off, when someone attempts to grab or hold me, their grasp slips immediately.
I don't know how I got into this situation. How I even managed to love or be loved at all. Nothing is stopping me from stepping into the haze and comfort of an eternal final rest but one man. I am a miserable person to be with, I am bitter, reflective, melancholic, and solitary. Yet this one man is determined to love me anyway. Late at night he holds onto me so tightly it's impossible to move and tells me how deeply he needs me in his life. When I can't get up in the morning he crouches at my bedside and kisses my hand. "I love you." Even though I tell him that I'm no longer this woman he loves, that I'm a mask or shadow, that he's crazy if he expects otherwise. "I love you." Late at night when I become the most inconsolable with an all-consuming hopelessness. "I love you."
He's known me my entire life. I've known his for his. He knows how my voice sounds when I'm dull and irritated. He knows how I dress, how I set my hair, and how I prefer my makeup. I know his favorite movies, video games, and music and things he's told me that he's never told anyone. We know each other better than anyone, better than our parents, siblings, any best friend ever has. We are each other's first manifestations of love, or any idea of it. He is the first and only man I've ever let near me, or let touch me. I hate the internal contradiction he causes. That's the trouble with it.
I can't stop thinking of the grief I will bring him if I die. I know it will devastate him. He hasn't even lost me yet and already misses me. I will go somewhere he cannot follow. My life is unbearable for me and I cannot bear most experiences, expectations, and responsibilities, but his love, patience, and understanding with me is crushing. He is desperate to keep me alive and happy while I have been emotionally dead for so long. How do I manage his future heartbreak? He has done so much and I haven't been able to return a single thing. I know I'm lucky to be loved this deeply, desperately, in an all-consuming way that both saves me and destroys me. Trying to get him to stop is futile and nothing I've done or been has diminished his dedication to me in the slightest. He feels my pain tenfold, my emptiness or hopelessness, it makes him shake and fall to his knees, and he presses thousands of kisses to my skin as though he is hoping his love for me will seep through my skin into my bloodstream and in turn I will begin to love myself because of his efforts. I'll break his heart, and for that I'm never going to be able to forgive myself. I'm caught between his persistent demonstrations of love, passion, and his desire for a beautiful life with me, and the weight the world carries that makes me desperate to disappear. I want to know what I should do.
