Venting "How are you"/"how's it going"/"how're you doing?"

[Rounded Agony]

I can't be the first one to be fed up with hearing these god damn expressions all the time, even though I know they don't god damn mean anything; funny enough I gave a smart-ass answer to a cool coworker last month who proceeded to inform me that they're what's called "phatic expression" - statements that basically just serve the purpose of talking for the sake of talking.

But still. When you are almost always not fucking well, it becomes pretty grating to constantly be asked this. Trust me, random person: if even people I (used to?) consider "friends" can't appropriately handle the partially true answer to that question, you absolutely cannot.

Can we please just think of something else to say in place of these choices for god's sake? Just say hi, hello, good to see you, anything!

 

[Mr_House]

How's it going, Rounded Apathy!

Sorry, I couldn't resist… but

Yeah, I can relate to that. Here in the United States ALOT of people (especially Wagies) say "How's your day going?". Now don't get me wrong, It was sweet and sincere the 1st-5th Time, but the only real answer you can give is "Good." No matter how you're feeling, otherwise it's more awkward then it already is, Plus I Definitely agree with your friend on that one: They only talk just for the sake of talking, because the other choice is to just be silent, which is a different kind of awkward in and of itself.

I guess I don't blame them for saying it, they probably are as miserable as us SS Folk, It's Just… I want to be treated as a human not: Mr_NPC_0x092627112

Ah, probably just fruitless resistance saying so. In any case, I Agree with your post!

 

[theboy]

I don't find this to be wrong. What is sad is that some say it out of courtesy and not because they are really interested in how you feel.

 

[BandAddict]

I try to just appreciate that they're asking me at all, because there are lots of people who don't bother asking. The hard part is deciding on what you'll do with that question.

Do I just grit my teeth and say "good, how 'bout you?" Or do I say fuck it and grace them with my bullshit? Often times it's not the latter, but when it has been the reactions can be sympathetic or even amusing.

 

[savagepeonies]

Nothing triggers me more!

Like my usual answer is, "please don't make me think about that."

 

[Life_and_Death]

that question is what keeps me friendless.

 

[wait.what]

I've heard of people saying outrageous things in reply, just to see if the other person is even listening. Not a kind thing to do to some poor schmuck who's just trying to make it through their soul-killing shift without dropping to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and starting to scream. No, they don't actually care how you're doing. Their boss may require them to ask, though, so just get it out of the way.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I don't find this to be wrong. What is sad is that some say it out of courtesy and not because they are really interested in how you feel.

I don't mean that I find it "wrong", just that it's a pain in the ass that I and tons of other people just have to go about lying on this on the regular. I literally do not ask this "question" anymore, not phatically - if I ask this to someone I am legitimately opening the door for them to be honest. But of course no one knows that because no one ever is when they say this...

I try to just appreciate that they're asking me at all, because there are lots of people who don't bother asking. The hard part is deciding on what you'll do with that question.

Do I just grit my teeth and say "good, how 'bout you?" Or do I say fuck it and grace them with my bullshit? Often times it's not the latter, but when it has been the reactions can be sympathetic or even amusing.

Yeah, it depends on the situation. If it's an honest inquiry I do like to be asked. When it's just being said as a matter of course, I ducking hate it.

Nothing triggers me more!

Like my usual answer is, "please don't make me think about that."

Precisely this. I sometimes have the ability to forget my agony when there are others about so please don't ruin in by reminding me of my agony

I've heard of people saying outrageous things in reply, just to see if the other person is even listening. Not a kind thing to do to some poor schmuck who's just trying to make it through their soul-killing shift without dropping to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and starting to scream. No, they don't actually care how you're doing. Their boss may require them to ask, though, so just get it out of the way.

It's actually me getting asked by customers at my job, which after two more shifts I won't have to deal with anymore. Lately I've taken to answering with "surviving", or some such dark and suggestive retort

 

[Forever Sleep]

I know what you mean. Actually find it pretty intrusive when it's a complete stranger- like someone serving in a coffee shop who asks. Still- with them and loose acquaintances- it's fairly easy to just say 'fine thanks- how are you?'.

It's actually more when closer friends ask that it's a problem. I'm close enough to them to not want to just lie but I also know that an honest response will likely lead to them replying with something filled with either positive affirmations, or some kind of comparison that their lives are worse. I think sometimes people ask in the hope you will return the question so that they can have a rant. It's not to say that their lives aren't worse but I'm getting to a point where I don't feel like I have enough emotional resilience to deeply sympathise with them constantly.

I kind of dread having communication with anyone now- either they are ranting about their own problems, or they will ask but not really want to hear the truth about how I feel.

 

[freedompass]

I'm so grateful I'm not forced to work or even leave the house most days. One of the worst parts of working, say, in an office, must be the obligation to smile/be pleasant and generally fake normalcy. The constant obligation to answer these meaningless greetings with 'good' or 'fine' is exhausting and just ramps up the sense of utter isolation and invisibility.

 

[foreverfalling]

When I get asked this it just wastes all my energy coming up with an answer. Does this person actually want to know how I'm doing, or did they say this out of habit? If I give the expected answer then I know it's not truthful, if I tell them the truth they don't know how to react, or they show they didn't actually mean it. I have to play out 4 different scenarios in my head, and then ultimately whatever I say is wrong.

I'd never ask this question to people I know unless I actually want to know, or am prepared to listen to them. Well I don't actually have anyone in my life I'd ask this question to genuinely anymore...

 

[lifeisbutadream]

"Have a nice day" is the one that i hate.

 

[FuneralCry]

The best solution is just avoiding people. I do often find people to be tiring and irritating but that is just the way that I am, I would prefer to be alone. I think with those questions you mentioned I understand why you would be annoyed at that as I guess a suicidal person cannot always be fully honest around others unless they want them to know that they are suicidal which could likely make their life worse.

 

[The Abyss]

Bullshit empty expression, I also can't stand "enjoy" when food is brought to you in an eatery. It's condescending & lazy.

Hope you enjoy or holla if you need anything are way better.

 

[Marktheghost]

I just give the honest answer. If they don't want to know, they don't have to ask. Once I got accused of emotional blackmail for giving an honest answer, but most of the time people's reaction is OK.

 

[Rounded Agony]

Way more shared experience on this than I expected! @Forever Sleep my thing is having burned out on telling my friends I'm not well and having it go nowhere. I'm not the type to volunteer every detail unless asked, and they usually don't seem concerned enough to ask for more than the basics. It's more hurtful to let it bleed only partially, I feel. @freedompass yes, that feeling of being unseen among people is really awful, sometimes worse than truly being alone. It depends on the day and circumstance for me...

@The Abyss as far as "enjoy", I feel that's okay because those extra two syllables reeaally add up after a whole day of saying it. I've been saying so in my job the last year and I really do hope they do, but it's just a shorthand for me, not an imperative. And @Marktheghost i like your take, similar to what I'd been doing lately, haha.

 

[Luxier78]

I actually told a friend to not say this to me because I'm always just gonna answer fine and I hate pointless small talk. They we're cool with it and we now just dive into whatever meaningful conversation we want, but this obvs isn't the case with strangers.

Can't we normalise silence, it doesn't have to be awkward if you just embrace it.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I actually told a friend to not say this to me because I'm always just gonna answer fine and I hate pointless small talk. They we're cool with it and we now just dive into whatever meaningful conversation we want, but this obvs isn't the case with strangers.

Can't we normalise silence, it doesn't have to be awkward if you just embrace it.

I had a string of bad days/weeks and had to tell one of my more regular coworkers to stop asking me because I just felt like going home right after showing up because of it. Work was at least a poorly effective, temporary distraction from the hell that existences was/is.

The best friends I've had were the ones I could have both deep and meaningful talks with, and in the same stretch of time together be literally not talking at all. I miss those times, and people.

 

[jodes2]

I actually told a friend to not say this to me because I'm always just gonna answer fine and I hate pointless small talk. They we're cool with it and we now just dive into whatever meaningful conversation we want, but this obvs isn't the case with strangers.

Can't we normalise silence, it doesn't have to be awkward if you just embrace it.

In business school we were taught to embrace silences because it makes others talk. Useful when interviewing people for example

 

[Forever Sleep]

Way more shared experience on this than I expected! @Forever Sleep my thing is having burned out on telling my friends I'm not well and having it go nowhere. I'm not the type to volunteer every detail unless asked, and they usually don't seem concerned enough to ask for more than the basics. It's more hurtful to let it bleed only partially, I feel. @freedompass yes, that feeling of being unseen among people is really awful, sometimes worse than truly being alone. It depends on the day and circumstance for me...

@The Abyss as far as "enjoy", I feel that's okay because those extra two syllables reeaally add up after a whole day of saying it. I've been saying so in my job the last year and I really do hope they do, but it's just a shorthand for me, not an imperative. And @Marktheghost i like your take, similar to what I'd been doing lately, haha.

Yes- that really resonates- that it's more hurtful to let it bleed out partially.

My Dad once said to me that- 'People will only listen to your problems for a while before they get fed up'. It's sad but that's true I believe. Of course- it leads to just pretending your fine all the time- or just trying to dodge the question. At the time, I found it so insensitive and I felt like true friends aren't just 'fair weather' friends. Still, I think he's probably right.

 

[The Abyss]

Way more shared experience on this than I expected! @Forever Sleep my thing is having burned out on telling my friends I'm not well and having it go nowhere. I'm not the type to volunteer every detail unless asked, and they usually don't seem concerned enough to ask for more than the basics. It's more hurtful to let it bleed only partially, I feel. @freedompass yes, that feeling of being unseen among people is really awful, sometimes worse than truly being alone. It depends on the day and circumstance for me...

@The Abyss as far as "enjoy", I feel that's okay because those extra two syllables reeaally add up after a whole day of saying it. I've been saying so in my job the last year and I really do hope they do, but it's just a shorthand for me, not an imperative. And @Marktheghost i like your take, similar to what I'd been doing lately, haha.

I get that but some other phrase could suffice, food's up?

 

[hamvil]

The best solution is just avoiding people. I do often find people to be tiring and irritating but that is just the way that I am, I would prefer to be alone. I think with those questions you mentioned I understand why you would be annoyed at that as I guess a suicidal person cannot always be fully honest around others unless they want them to know that they are suicidal which could likely make their life worse.

Bha at this point I realised I cannot be fully honest about anything. I mean I get it that I cannot expect a random person to be interested in my suicidal rambling, but in this society you cannot even voice a small discomfort. People do not really care and do not want to be bothered. I would like to connect with people, to have friends, to be able to share what I feel with another human being. I guess this is why I am on this forum. At least I can talk about my suicidal ideas and I do not have to listen to the usual crap.