This was an absolutely horrific evening, and in fact, horrific week. During this week my daughter found out that she got rejected from some major initiatives that she spent a lot of time applying for at university. I spent 2 evenings in the ER (1st was 16 hrs in total, 2nd was 7 hrs), and found out I have a lung infection that doesn't seem to be responding to either antibiotics or steroids. My wife got some absolutely devastating medical news, which has implications for her ongoing health and quality of life. And all because our family GP was incredibly negligent and ignored her concerns and complaints. And to top it off, we had dinner with our daughter, and it ended with my wife and her getting into a huge fight (not unusual). Now my wife is furious with me, and with her. It's nights like this that just make me wish I could easily kill myself. No one would miss me, and it's the only viable solution I can see. I think passively about killing my self every today; tonight it's active. But I have no method other than ridiculous violence (slit my throat or wrists), and I can't bring myself to self-harm in that way. But if someone promised me I wouldn't wake up, I'd take a sleeping pill and turn off the lights (well, I only have nighttime antihistamines, but put me to sleep). This is where I'm at right now.
I just got screamed at for 10 minutes. All I could think about was running out and driving our car off a cliff. But we don't live near any cliffs. God I hate living.
I just got screamed at for 10 minutes. All I could think about was running out and driving our car off a cliff. But we don't live near any cliffs. God I hate living.
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