Venting Hopelessly wanting to ctb

[inpursuitofpeace]

Hey everyone. I might try to ctb yet tonight. It probably won't work and likely won't be too serious because I don't have the supplies I need to make it effective. But I might try anyway. I'm angry that people restrict so many products that we need to get to ctb peacefully. I want to have control over my death. I want to end it on my terms. But I don't have the darn supplies yet because of the restricted access. I'm mad about it (I don't know if we're allowed to swear in this group so I'm taking precautions but just know that in my head I'm swearing an enormous amount because I'm so frustrated). I feel like there's nothing good left in this world. I'm close-ish to graduating but it feels so fake because I don't feel competent enough to be successful to graduate. On paper I have most of the required classes, but in real life, I feel so unprepared & stupid. The healthcare system is an utter mess. I can't get the help I need outpatient. So then people try to recommend higher levels of care but those are traumatizing AF and unlikely to be helpful in my experience. Like none of my providers can meet with me regularly. They're all like "take care". Oh cool, so how am I supposed to do that when I can't get the help I need???? So angry with the healthcare system. My professors at school are SO unprepared that they don't even know what to lecture on about class, have nothing graded for the entire first month of school, or they're so overly perfectionistic that nothing, absolutely nothing is good enough for them (and I'm perfectionistic myself). Anyway, I'm back and forth of if I want to try to attempt tonight. It probably won't work, but maybe I'll find relief for a little while. I didn't want to potentially die all alone, so I wanted to put it out there and hope that someone understands where I'm coming from. I've scheduled it for a day when someone should be coming over tomorrow so that if I die, someone will notice to take care of my dog, but it's a long enough period to where if this works, I will have time to die uninterrupted. I just hate that everything is so dark. My life is completely miserable and feels utterly useless. I know this is the suicide page, but if someone wants to write like some type of positive statement for me, I'm open to that. I don't want it to be like "you have so many reasons to live" but like maybe a "I hope things get better for you and you can get the help you actually need" kind of thing. Also since this is the suicide page, well, I'm cool with that too since y'all are my peeps and actually understand what being highly suicidal is like. I just kinda need to vent and yanno, ctb. I don't know if it'll actually happen, but I want it to. Thanks for reading, kind internet people.

 

[Wormfood]

I feel less alone reading what you wrote. I wish I could snap my fingers and solves all your problems but that is merely wishful thinking. I wish you were near me that we could share a meal together and talk or just enjoy the silence or if you won't object to being hugged then we'd share a hug. Life can be miserable and people can be cruel but it's those like us that make suffering worth it. It saddens me that you'd feel it necessary to ctb but I understand why you'd do it. I won't tell you not to do it but I'd tell you that people out there like me that needs people like you. Without people like you life isn't worth living. If you should die the world is a more darker place but I understand if you want to go. I'm wishing you a peaceful death if that's what you want.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also really hate the fact that peaceful suicide method options get restricted from us, we shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave this world and it disgusts me how so many hold the view that life must be prolonged at all costs. I think that if I had a peaceful and reliable method I would be long gone at this point.
But anyway I wish you the best of luck, it's really understandable wanting to die on your own terms rather than waiting for it to happen out of your control, I personally think that suicide is the best way to die.

 

[inpursuitofpeace]

I feel less alone reading what you wrote. I wish I could snap my fingers and solves all your problems but that is merely wishful thinking. I wish you were near me that we could share a meal together and talk or just enjoy the silence or if you won't object to being hugged then we'd share a hug. Life can be miserable and people can be cruel but it's those like us that make suffering worth it. It saddens me that you'd feel it necessary to ctb but I understand why you'd do it. I won't tell you not to do it but I'd tell you that people out there like me that needs people like you. Without people like you life isn't worth living. If you should die the world is a more darker place but I understand if you want to go. I'm wishing you a peaceful death if that's what you want.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad that you feel less alone after reading this. You aren't alone and I'm sorry that you're struggling. I, too, wish that we could meet up and go through life together. A part of the problem is that I'm really lacking support from family and friends. A chunk of my family doesn't believe that I should have access to medical care because I'm poor. They don't understand mental health either. It makes me furious and sad. All human beings should have a basic right to medical care.

But thank you so much for telling me that the world is a better place with me in it, and the world would be darker without me. Often times I feel like I don't matter or make a difference in people's lives. But to you, I matter, so thank you. You've also made a difference in mine. Wishing you the best!

I also really hate the fact that peaceful suicide method options get restricted from us, we shouldn't have to suffer so much in finding ways to leave this world and it disgusts me how so many hold the view that life must be prolonged at all costs. I think that if I had a peaceful and reliable method I would be long gone at this point.
But anyway I wish you the best of luck, it's really understandable wanting to die on your own terms rather than waiting for it to happen out of your control, I personally think that suicide is the best way to die.

Thank you, you as well. Wishing you the best.