Venting Honesty and SN.

[LocalAngel]

I attempted to see if i could open up to my partner about being pro-choice when it came to CTB. I was met with pro-life shit. I love them, i do. But it hurts knowing i can't ever be honest about my desires anymore. I've officially given up on trying to be honest with them. I haven't said anything about my plans with SN. Granted, nothing concrete, but they are plans, written down and set in motion. It's just the end date to be questioned now.

I've seen people who can be honest with their partners that they have the tools to CTB. I envy them. The only place i can talk freely about this is here, and that, is truly beyond fucked up.

Imagine you try recovering for 9 years. And then, at the very least every 2-6 months, you get knocked down and you just have to force yourself to get back up. Repeatedly. Never ending.
For some, you didn't have to imagine that. It was reality. And if you feel the same way that i do above... i'm deeply sorry. But it should be your choice in the end, if you want the suffering to end.

As it should, mine.
They'll never see that though. Dogs can be put down if they're in severe, untreatable pain... and yet, here i am, still alive after having endured so much. But the worst is yet to come.
I still haven't even gotten covid yet. For most, this virus doesn't matter. For ME? I have 4 vulnerabilities. My weight, Epilepsy, Asthma, and heart issues.

If i get this fucking virus, i'm going to get long term symptoms more then likely. I already have fatigue issues. I already have chronic pain. To add more would be an absolute fucking nightmare. And then i would somehow need to recover from my trauma? HOW IN THE FUCK?

It's all too much. I'm grateful for this website. I don't have a set date, but i'm pretty much convinced i'm going to CTB sometime in the year at least. But I'm not going to hold myself to that. After all... It is a choice.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that it's always a terrible idea risking being open with someone else about wanting to die. So many in this world simply refuse to accept suicide as being a logical solution to end an existence not worth enduring and they would rather not even try to understand, instead they just dismiss and invalidate what the other person goes through. Sadly, this is just the way that things are in this pro suffering society, it would likely be different if the other person ended up in a similar situation.

 

[LocalAngel]

I believe that it's always a terrible idea risking being open with someone else about wanting to die. So many in this world simply refuse to accept suicide as being a logical solution to end an existence not worth enduring and they would rather not even try to understand, instead they just dismiss and invalidate what the other person goes through. Sadly, this is just the way that things are in this pro suffering society, it would likely be different if the other person ended up in a similar situation.

Thankfully i haven't told them much. Just ideation and "vague planning". Which isn't true. I have a step-by-step plan.

I just regret attempting to open up at all to them. It just made me lose more trust. I tried explaining all of this to them, how i'm pro-choice, how their continued efforts to force me into recovery is only making my feelings feel invalidated... they don't really get it.

As much as they say they're sorry for hurting me- they don't get it and they won't get it, and i shouldn't put in the effort to try anymore. I reached my hand out many times, it didn't work, oh well.
I'm just done trying anymore. i feel bad for giving up after saying to my partner that I'd try at least, but i just can't. I'm going to start cutting in risky places to try and start taming my SI, starting tonight.

 

[BrailleTogepi]

I'm sorry your partner didn't respond appropriately to you opening up. It always sucks to be met with fear and dogma, especially when you thought you could have an open-minded conversation.