Maybe my ego thinks I can help someone here and actually achieve something useful with my life and that's why I'm here
I think you're looking for a purpose. Respectfully sometimes I fear that suicide would make my life "officially" meaningless. As I have yet to achieve what I want to in life. I have reasons to be happy again, but I constantly come back to this low point. I don't know if you relate to what I'm saying, but I think we all try to make sense of our emotions and our lives and right now, I don't know if there's an acceptable answer for anyone on here to close the chapter of the pain of their life and choose to steer themselves towards recovery. And I think the greatest question for anyone to get better that they need to answer is... Why? And I'm sorry that I can't answer that for anyone else.
What is the motivation for someone who hates themselves to choose life?
And then, when I'm in the "odd" periods of life where I love myself, life treats me like shit and I'm like "fuck, I don't deserve this shit" so what is the motivation for someone who loves themselves to choose life?