tehdisturbedone
Innately yearning for eternal sleep
- Oct 24, 2019
- 42
You know, like in video games where you die X amount of times and you have to restart except you are also given the option of hitting start and selecting quit. That'd be a dream come true.
It's kind of weird but I can't tell if I have this feeling of constant prostration every day from getting my school work done or if its because I'm still here. It also doesn't help that I really despise going to sleep because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to deal with life. I think I kind of fucked-up majoring in psychology because I don't find it to be as helpful to myself as I thought it would. The more I dive into this major the more fucked up I think my brain chemistry is and I'm pretty sure I'm genetically predisposed to always be an anxious depressed meatball. I guess I was naive to think this degree would anything but introspective. At this point, I feel like all the doubts I had when I first dropped out of HS , and then again from community college are all beginning to creep back their places in my head. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never get over my innately negative conscience and the fucked up thing while I do full comprehend all the avenues and treatments that do work, for whatever reason I just don't believe their applicable or viable for me. I'm finding myself more comfortable in places where I am forced to go with the grain, like in class or at work, but as soon as that ends that existential dread sets in even though I'll be anticipating that moment the entire time. I've pretty much have been sitting in this same seat for the last 4 hours just trying to finish a dumb ass one paragraph assignment but for whatever reason, I have the hardest time starting anything.
I've also begun to have this weird feeling that like everyone hates me or something, but I think it's just in my head although the way I perceive things leads me to believe that. I'm certain my parents and my sister hates me, I don't know if my littlest sister does but what difference does it make?
It's kind of weird but I can't tell if I have this feeling of constant prostration every day from getting my school work done or if its because I'm still here. It also doesn't help that I really despise going to sleep because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to deal with life. I think I kind of fucked-up majoring in psychology because I don't find it to be as helpful to myself as I thought it would. The more I dive into this major the more fucked up I think my brain chemistry is and I'm pretty sure I'm genetically predisposed to always be an anxious depressed meatball. I guess I was naive to think this degree would anything but introspective. At this point, I feel like all the doubts I had when I first dropped out of HS , and then again from community college are all beginning to creep back their places in my head. One of my biggest fears is that I'll never get over my innately negative conscience and the fucked up thing while I do full comprehend all the avenues and treatments that do work, for whatever reason I just don't believe their applicable or viable for me. I'm finding myself more comfortable in places where I am forced to go with the grain, like in class or at work, but as soon as that ends that existential dread sets in even though I'll be anticipating that moment the entire time. I've pretty much have been sitting in this same seat for the last 4 hours just trying to finish a dumb ass one paragraph assignment but for whatever reason, I have the hardest time starting anything.
I've also begun to have this weird feeling that like everyone hates me or something, but I think it's just in my head although the way I perceive things leads me to believe that. I'm certain my parents and my sister hates me, I don't know if my littlest sister does but what difference does it make?
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