Bluebells
Benevolent
- Jun 8, 2024
- 12
Last year I realised that It's actually been 14 years instead of the "10 years" I've always been telling myself, I'm not even truly sure why I never questioned how I thought its always been 10. Ever since then, I can feel my will slowly getting closer to nothing. When he left, I was in alot of pain. I was still too young to realise what "death" would actually mean for the years to come. No one helped me, no one told me; it was like the moment he left, the protective veil around me also disappeared. The years to follow was absolute disgustingly horrible, I had to experience things no one should ever have to go through. I had to hold myself up while still being a child; I had to watch my parents be the parents I wanted to my other siblings, I had to fear the "home" I lived in, I hated everything i had to do. I couldn't even get through father's day or his birthday ever year still. I wasn't and still am not allowed to visit his resting place. Everything felt forced but I was afraid to talk or seek help because i was taught by the same woman who is supposed to help me learn about the world that no one would care if I were to die, "Trees will still grow, people will move on and forget". I was torn apart by comparisons and watching others get what I desperately wanted. Nothing I did was ever enough and I kept trying until I just gave up. I realised it too late though, I hate myself for still being this way even after so long and probably bothering him up over there lmao, right now though I do want to try living because it isn't so bad anymore, I have made some peace and boundaries with people, but I am afraid since I'm still not able to let go of the thought that death would feel so much better than now. Yes everything would end but that's what I want, and bonus points for getting to meet him again. I will try but I am terrified of the thought of it (future), I can still feel parts of me fading or stagnant in pain. (Apologies for being vague on some details, I just wanted to vent <3)
