Venting High functioning on the surface

[coolcow1289]

I'm very high functioning.

I have a good job. I spend my weekends studying for the job, so I appear as a smart, fast learner. I'm closing on a house. I have a ton of hobbies. Good savings. I exercise every day. I take risks and I'm serious and dependable and I come across as someone who's put together.

But there's no way I make it a year. This is all just desperation, grasping at anything to give me meaning or structure. I think of death every day. I know how, I know where, and I'm closing in on when. I'm only put together because it's all I have.

But for all my effort to stay functioning, it just means I'll have to accept even more blame. This will come out of left field to the people I love, and everyone will think this was just a choice. An impulsive decision. And not a battle I fought very hard before losing.

 

[Heidi48]

there was a quote by robin williams i like "people dont fake depression, they fake being okay"

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

Even the best of people aren't free from depression. You didn't mention it, so that's why I'm asking, but have you tried speaking to your doctor about any of this?

 

[android]

Life is a choice just like death
If you are smart and really distraught at the thought of your own death, then you should be smart enough to figure out the circumstances necessary for your survival

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Have you tried medication? They helped me enjoy life for many years. I am old now, soon to be 57, however meds stopped working for me about 3 years ago. Now nothing helps, but I got to live a good life and I'm ready to go. I don't want to get any older as it is all downhill from here.

 

[coolcow1289]

Even the best of people aren't free from depression. You didn't mention it, so that's why I'm asking, but have you tried speaking to your doctor about any of this?

Yes. I went into a mental health clinic, but they put me with a therapist who didn't help at all. And it was expensive. I can ask for drugs but I'm not optimistic

Life is a choice just like death
If you are smart and really distraught at the thought of your own death, then you should be smart enough to figure out the circumstances necessary for your survival

That's my favorite quote, "If you're so smart, why are you unhappy".

I'm not that smart. I'm smart enough to realize how stupid I am, in comparison to actually smart people. If that makes sense.

Have you tried medication? They helped me enjoy life for many years. I am old now, soon to be 57, however meds stopped working for me about 3 years ago. Now nothing helps, but I got to live a good life and I'm ready to go. I don't want to get any older as it is all downhill from here.

This is a thread I have heard from many people. Medication helps but eventually I'll build up a tolerance. What helped you? SSRIs?

 

[SASU-KE]

Same here, I power through life. Good job, finances, properties,good health,crush my gym goals.
I have an insane work ethic but I just do everything out of a sense of duty at this point.

If I stop,my life falls apart, but then again I don't really enjoy anything I do. Still, I know life gets a lot worse if I stop taking care of things.


I have absolutely no interest in anything.Anhedonia is hitting hard.I look forward for this to end every day.

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

Yes. I went into a mental health clinic, but they put me with a therapist who didn't help at all. And it was expensive. I can ask for drugs but I'm not optimistic

Ask your regular doctor to prescribe something mild like buspirone.