Discussion Hiding your plans from your partner

[avaug]

I've made my mind up that the time is approaching for me to ctb. I'm still researching methods and finalising my plans, but I'm finding the hardest part of all this is hiding my thinking from my loving partner.

We've never had any secrets before, but this is one thing I can't share and I know he'll be heartbroken when it happens.

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way...

 

[Jimblue]

I guess I have to have a loving partner first. My partner would not care if I dead or not. I mean he probably would be upset for 3 days and moving on. And he probably would be more annoyed if left lots of issue for he to deal. Or annoyed people think he is a bad man.

And my partner knows I want to CTB, he said I just like to take overdose to seek attention, acting like a Psychopathy or trying to pretend I have depression to control people's behaviour.

 

[universe]

Unfortunately people are rarely understanding and see suicide as an act of weakness and cowardice. It kills me to say that.

However, sometimes there are some variations. Some say they accept the choice of the CTB person. But in reality, they think that we say that for fun, to attract attention and that we just have a little depression. Afterwards, if your partner is really understanding, caring, emphatic and doesn't talk like that, I guess you can talk to them about it. I told someone very close about my plans and I think she's in denial. She doesn't understand that it's almost over, it's as if I hadn't said anything. This person keeps talking to me about the future and asking me why I have to get rid of and give away all my stuff.

There is always the risk that she will call the police or the psychiatrists. It is a risk that must be considered because we do not know how people can react. I did not imagine that the person in question was going to be in denial, I really thought that she was going to understand and enjoy our last moments.
And there is always the solution of breaking up before the CTB and not telling anyone.

I sincerely hope that you will be better, and that your partner is an understanding person. Life is already very difficult, and it is often heartbreaking when these kinds of problems interfere with our loved ones. I wish you the best.

 

[avaug]

Thanks for the kind words. It is really tough, particularly when the other person is excitedly making plans for the future and I know I won't be around for it.

 

[lyles]

I am in the same position. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I do love, who is moving in with me, who is my partner. But I can't disclose this. I am certain he wouldn't understand or try to interfere, even if on a philosophical level he may be able to sympathize. I don't know when it will happen for me, but I know he will be hurt. That's just something I need to come to terms with before, I suppose.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I also struggle with this. I am rather open about my suicidal ideation with my partner who is very supportive, but I keep the details of my plan to myself. It hurts to hide how close I feel like I am getting to the end. I'm just trying to make some good memories with her.

 

[BGooG]

I've been married for almost 25 years. I still adore my wife. And I don't know if she'd take me seriously, be sad, or secretly happy if I told her what I feel. She's come to resent me in pretty much every way.

But it's academic for me, because as long as my daughter is around I won't do anything. I couldn't bear to hurt her, and I'm afraid it might push her over the edge. I'm pretty sure I'll die soon anyways. Genetics has a rather heavy hand in our lives, and mine are not encouraging.

 

[nopride86]

It's not easy. He asks me how I'm feeling, how my day was. I plaster on a smile and say good, boring. When really I spend 8 hours sifting through threads on a ctb forum, experiencing all different waves of mentality and emotion, only come up feeling trapped and empty. Jesus, he deserves better. So much better. We tell each other everything, but what would be the point of saying anything about being suicidal? To get help? I certainly do not want help, I want an exit.

I don't have a method yet. I think about them, and realize that due to living with AND working with my partner, I couldn't get away with it.

 

[avaug]

Thanks for sharing your own experiences. It helps to know I'm not the only one to have these feelings.

Browsing this forum while sitting next to him on the couch feels like such a betrayal, but ultimately I have to do what's right for me when that big ol' bus timetable allows it to happen.

 

[ianista]

I feel you. Also have a partner, who is sometimes very supportive and understanding. But i can't and will not tell about my plans, but i consider to include every thing in my letter that could make the life and the coping for this person easier.

It's also sad that it's simply not enough, i made up my mind and its just a matter of time and discipline to go through with it.

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

I don't talk about it. But he knows something is up. He gets mad at me because I've hardly ate in about 7 weeks. And I sleep a lot. And when I'm up I just stare off and don't really talk to him. It's been bad my most my live (last 18 years or so) but worse this past year and even worse the last 2 months when I lost contact with the person I actually loved (odd situation) I feel I've completely given up after that.

All while in my head I'm just saying I'm going to die soon whats the most effective way. And dreaming about ways (i know i wont do) while sitting or driving to work. Like what if this light fell on me would it be quick? Or the obvious just go off the road stuff that will just injury me and make me look crazy) The other day I blurted out how I imagined it would feel to get hit by a train, when we were stopped at one and he entertained the conversation, and I decided that would be a painful way to go. (Which i knew and never planned to do because if its not cleanly planned out its likely to fail I have my 2 just need to finalize which one)

But I am curious how long it will take him to leave. Or if I should leave him, will that make take away more of the SI. One less person to care. And he wont be around to save me if it takes too long.

 

[western_heart]

I don't hide it anymore

 

[moggedtodeath]

I guess I have to have a loving partner first. My partner would not care if I dead or not. I mean he probably would be upset for 3 days and moving on. And he probably would be more annoyed if left lots of issue for he to deal. Or annoyed people think he is a bad man.

And my partner knows I want to CTB, he said I just like to take overdose to seek attention, acting like a Psychopathy or trying to pretend I have depression to control people's behaviour.

That's horrible how he doesn't have any sympathy at all!

 

[SadJessu]

I have a husband whom I love and who loves me. He knows I deal with depression and OCD, but I hide the self harm and suicidal ideation from him. He wouldn't understand, and that's ok, I wouldn't want him too. He's inclined to believe that I do a lot of things for attention, so I'd rather not talk about it, even if I wanted to.

I once had someone online tell me that I will always be a net drain on him, that I will ruin his life by killing myself, or make it miserable by existing with my depression. I know he'd hate me if I went through with it. My family and my cats are the only reasons I'm here, I really don't want to hurt them/him. So I'm stuck. I'm kind of hoping I die giving birth to our daughter, it would be easier. I'm selfish because I'm glad I met him, I wish I could see him with our daughter, happy with someone else.

 

[makethepainstop]

I've made my mind up that the time is approaching for me to ctb. I'm still researching methods and finalising my plans, but I'm finding the hardest part of all this is hiding my thinking from my loving partner.

We've never had any secrets before, but this is one thing I can't share and I know he'll be heartbroken when it happens.

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way...

Hiding our intent from partners, family and friends can be quite difficult. Such scenarios make us have to be as devious, super sneaky, and covert as any spy. Those people simply cannot understand our pain. Much love to you, and may you find peace and comfort.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Recently I've been planning my ctb with more consideration than I ever have, having a date, method, and strong desires to actually follow through.
My boyfriend just told me that I seem so much better lately and more positive, but in fact the opposite is true... I can't share that.

 

[ianista]

Recently I've been planning my ctb with more consideration than I ever have, having a date, method, and strong desires to actually follow through.
My boyfriend just told me that I seem so much better lately and more positive, but in fact the opposite is true... I can't share that.

Maybe there is something true about it... Your planning might have been good for your mood? you have a plan and a "perspective", that might be something you didn't have the past time?

 

[hiddenbpd]

Maybe there is something true about it... Your planning might have been good for your mood? you have a plan and a "perspective", that might be something you didn't have the past time?

Yeah it's possible. I'm not sure what the actual cause is, but I feel excited to escape finally.

 

[Sunny-Pia]

I've made my mind up that the time is approaching for me to ctb. I'm still researching methods and finalising my plans, but I'm finding the hardest part of all this is hiding my thinking from my loving partner.

We've never had any secrets before, but this is one thing I can't share and I know he'll be heartbroken when it happens.

I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way...

I feel the same way each day. I dont know how I will get to say my final goodbye!

I also struggle with this. I am rather open about my suicidal ideation with my partner who is very supportive, but I keep the details of my plan to myself. It hurts to hide how close I feel like I am getting to the end. I'm just trying to make some good memories with her.

The light of my life has waned as well! I can relate really well to your feeling about "it hurts to hide how close I feel like I'm getting to the end."