Hi all
I'm not sure how to best do this without giving details on who I am. I saw how important that is.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain with this post, maybe understanding, or someone can relate. Regardless, it's a start. One Ive considered for awhile now on this site. I've visited many times. I don't recall how long...
Anyway, so quick facts. In my 40's, transwoman, had some stuff done to aid with this. Typical alphabet soup of diagnoses, ADHD, severe depression, severe anxiety, probably others. Transitioning helped some but...
I've thought about dying most of my life. When I was very young, I recall threatening suicide when I was upset, I was maybe 5 or 6?
A parent passed. Kinda made ctb more on the forefront. A few tries as a teenager, certainly some self H. (I think I'm doing this right). Still struggle with that today.
Never thought I'd make it to 20. Frequently thought of ctb, on a regular basis, a few times a week.
Twenties more of the same. Relationships came and went, got married, separated. Tried doing the things that make people happy, still kept having the same recurring message on my head. Not supposed to be here.
Few tries early 30's. Changing my outside appearance helped, for a time.
Became a performer (I won't say what, it's a very small community). Dangerous, and potentially life threatening, I been hurt a few times (nothing serious).
Did really well. On stage, things were amazing, but immediately after, didn't care again.
Even pre relationship ending, and through the summer the thought has been on my mind frequently. I have a therapist, to try and "fix" things (not my first go round) but... I can't exactly share this with them.
Throughout all of this, I've never had much of a care? To live. If that makes sense. I just honestly don't care, and the idea of not dealing with society, bills, life, etc is... Incredibly welcoming.
My only reason i haven't tried more was for others that care about me. It was one pet, and when they passed.... Well. I was in a long term relationship, that counted on me to provide.
Now, I'm single again (minorly related to this) but it's been on my mind for almost the entirety of that relationship.
I'm venting/ranting now I think.
I just... I've lived my life to help others, lived for them. Now thinking everything over, this might be the one thing I've ever really done for myself. And it's been incredibly calming to think on that.
My literal one concern is my current pet. I know a good home that'd take her.
I'm gonna wrap this up. But thank you as a community for information. I'm still researching things here, and while I have access to a firearm of.. ideal requirement, it's a bit messy for my taste. I'm leaning toward SN.
Thanks for reading through my.. I don't know. Beginning of choosing the end?
I'm not sure how to best do this without giving details on who I am. I saw how important that is.
I don't know what I'm hoping to gain with this post, maybe understanding, or someone can relate. Regardless, it's a start. One Ive considered for awhile now on this site. I've visited many times. I don't recall how long...
Anyway, so quick facts. In my 40's, transwoman, had some stuff done to aid with this. Typical alphabet soup of diagnoses, ADHD, severe depression, severe anxiety, probably others. Transitioning helped some but...
I've thought about dying most of my life. When I was very young, I recall threatening suicide when I was upset, I was maybe 5 or 6?
A parent passed. Kinda made ctb more on the forefront. A few tries as a teenager, certainly some self H. (I think I'm doing this right). Still struggle with that today.
Never thought I'd make it to 20. Frequently thought of ctb, on a regular basis, a few times a week.
Twenties more of the same. Relationships came and went, got married, separated. Tried doing the things that make people happy, still kept having the same recurring message on my head. Not supposed to be here.
Few tries early 30's. Changing my outside appearance helped, for a time.
Became a performer (I won't say what, it's a very small community). Dangerous, and potentially life threatening, I been hurt a few times (nothing serious).
Did really well. On stage, things were amazing, but immediately after, didn't care again.
Even pre relationship ending, and through the summer the thought has been on my mind frequently. I have a therapist, to try and "fix" things (not my first go round) but... I can't exactly share this with them.
Throughout all of this, I've never had much of a care? To live. If that makes sense. I just honestly don't care, and the idea of not dealing with society, bills, life, etc is... Incredibly welcoming.
My only reason i haven't tried more was for others that care about me. It was one pet, and when they passed.... Well. I was in a long term relationship, that counted on me to provide.
Now, I'm single again (minorly related to this) but it's been on my mind for almost the entirety of that relationship.
I'm venting/ranting now I think.
I just... I've lived my life to help others, lived for them. Now thinking everything over, this might be the one thing I've ever really done for myself. And it's been incredibly calming to think on that.
My literal one concern is my current pet. I know a good home that'd take her.
I'm gonna wrap this up. But thank you as a community for information. I'm still researching things here, and while I have access to a firearm of.. ideal requirement, it's a bit messy for my taste. I'm leaning toward SN.
Thanks for reading through my.. I don't know. Beginning of choosing the end?
slay girl!!
