Hello, I recently found this site and I'm glad I did. Thank you for accepting my registration. If it's okay, I'd like to make a brief introduction and see if there's anyone on here who may struggle with similar issues or are also making plans to use SN. I know that some of you struggle with serious physical ailments and while my issues are almost entirely psychological, I hope you can understand why I am interested in CTB.
I am a gay, overweight man who is on the autism spectrum and I have struggled with depression and anxiety for all of my adult life. I am still in my 20's. I struggle with executive function - it is very hard to force myself to cook, clean and arrive somewhere on time, for example. I have taken medication, but all of these things have just become progressively worse as my life has become progressively worse.
When I was 18, thin, and closeted, I was accepted into a pretty elite university. I wanted to come out to my parents then but I waited, regretfully. They are conservative and I knew it would be hard. I had opportunities to come out at school but passed them up because of fear, until I eventually came out at 21. I thought this would solve my growing depression and binge eating disorder. I thought this was the missing piece to the puzzle. It was not.
I struggled to maintain healthy eating habits, to date, to make friends, and to care about anything. I wanted so much but I couldn't will myself to work for it due to the depression. I was very privileged in many ways, but the things that were holding me back were mostly invisible, which made me hate myself.
I had also walked on the balls of my feet for basically my whole life. When I am alone or very comfortable, I simply walked on my toes. I also struggled with eye contact. I became obsessed with seemingly irrelevant topics very easily. When I was an adult, I began to understand that these were symptoms of people on the spectrum. I mentioned this to my mother and she shut the discussion down hard. She seemed upset.
I have always been different. As a kid and teen, I accepted this and loved myself. I looked forward to a future where I could love who I wanted and be who I wanted to be. As I grow older, these differences are what makes life unbearable. I am deeply lonely and do not see a purpose or anything to look forward to.
I have spent years in therapy, on medication, in different cities, in different jobs. It doesn't stop. It gets worse. The meaninglessness of my life seems to sink in as people my age achieve things and form families. I feel like my best days are behind me and those days kind of sucked anyway.
I know there's probably many people who are gay, depressed and on the spectrum who are not seriously considering CTB - who find reasons to go on. But I think life just gets lonelier for people like us. Straight people form families, become parents and grandparents. The difference between the mentally ill and the neurotypical just becomes larger as you get older. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be in a psych ward.
I think in the back of my head I have considered CTB for years, but recently I thought about it seriously and it felt right. It felt like the right decision for me - like I was deciding on a new career or a new apartment. It's just another decision - a final one.
My apologies if this is too long or if my issues may seem more tolerable than others' situations. I think we all have to make the decision that's right for us.
I have acquired SN and a prescription for an antiemetic. It is not one of the ones recommended in the guide, to my dismay, but I'm hoping it will do.(It's zofran.) I'm working on getting everything I want to in order and being ready sometime in mid-November.
I am a gay, overweight man who is on the autism spectrum and I have struggled with depression and anxiety for all of my adult life. I am still in my 20's. I struggle with executive function - it is very hard to force myself to cook, clean and arrive somewhere on time, for example. I have taken medication, but all of these things have just become progressively worse as my life has become progressively worse.
When I was 18, thin, and closeted, I was accepted into a pretty elite university. I wanted to come out to my parents then but I waited, regretfully. They are conservative and I knew it would be hard. I had opportunities to come out at school but passed them up because of fear, until I eventually came out at 21. I thought this would solve my growing depression and binge eating disorder. I thought this was the missing piece to the puzzle. It was not.
I struggled to maintain healthy eating habits, to date, to make friends, and to care about anything. I wanted so much but I couldn't will myself to work for it due to the depression. I was very privileged in many ways, but the things that were holding me back were mostly invisible, which made me hate myself.
I had also walked on the balls of my feet for basically my whole life. When I am alone or very comfortable, I simply walked on my toes. I also struggled with eye contact. I became obsessed with seemingly irrelevant topics very easily. When I was an adult, I began to understand that these were symptoms of people on the spectrum. I mentioned this to my mother and she shut the discussion down hard. She seemed upset.
I have always been different. As a kid and teen, I accepted this and loved myself. I looked forward to a future where I could love who I wanted and be who I wanted to be. As I grow older, these differences are what makes life unbearable. I am deeply lonely and do not see a purpose or anything to look forward to.
I have spent years in therapy, on medication, in different cities, in different jobs. It doesn't stop. It gets worse. The meaninglessness of my life seems to sink in as people my age achieve things and form families. I feel like my best days are behind me and those days kind of sucked anyway.
I know there's probably many people who are gay, depressed and on the spectrum who are not seriously considering CTB - who find reasons to go on. But I think life just gets lonelier for people like us. Straight people form families, become parents and grandparents. The difference between the mentally ill and the neurotypical just becomes larger as you get older. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be in a psych ward.
I think in the back of my head I have considered CTB for years, but recently I thought about it seriously and it felt right. It felt like the right decision for me - like I was deciding on a new career or a new apartment. It's just another decision - a final one.
My apologies if this is too long or if my issues may seem more tolerable than others' situations. I think we all have to make the decision that's right for us.
I have acquired SN and a prescription for an antiemetic. It is not one of the ones recommended in the guide, to my dismay, but I'm hoping it will do.(It's zofran.) I'm working on getting everything I want to in order and being ready sometime in mid-November.
