Venting Hi I'm new

[Risa]

Hi eryone. I've been reading for some time now on this forum to get information also when I feel lonely. I guess I'm a little weird case because I actually don't want to die at all. It's more like I'm getting forced to ctb. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But my schizophrenia has kinda its own life. Despite hearing a voice (one) it literally can take over my body and forces me to do things I don't like. When I do something it doesn't like it uses my own hands to hit me till unconscious or ripps me hair out. It took over my body several times to get me into Psychatry on purpose because I'm scared of being there. Hit me until my mum called the emergency. Forced me to climb on the other side of a bridge and waited till again the emergency came twice. Ran out in the middle of the night half naked. Saying things to psychiatrist on purpose (it can also talk trough my mouth) to get me in there and on and on. I couldn't control or stop any of these actions. It also rapes me at night don't ask me how I don't know how that works. Shakes my whole bed at night with me not moving an inch, even my mum saw that several times but what can she do, nothing. It also gives me pain on command, I mean it says I give you pain there or there and then it just starts, so now I'm forced to kill myself even though I love life. I love it. I excel at everything I do, I'm funny, I'm pretty to an extent where people ask me if I'm a model, I had an achievable dream, I have great parents,I wake up in the morning see the sun and just want to have fun, maybe you think I'm joking but I'm not, I'm also not trolling I simply can't talk to anybody about this. If I tell the doctors this they simply say it's impossible then prescribe me another pill that doesn't work none of them has. I just wanted to vent about this because nobody believes me. My parents do by now because of my bed shaking at night and my symptoms but nobody else does. Doctors just abuse you. I'm done

 

[not4us]

Have you ever been violent towards others when this voice thing took over your body?
Does it have a name?
Is this male of female voice? Also which gender are you?

 

[Risa]

Have you ever been violent towards others when this voice thing took over your body?
Does it have a name?
Is this male of female voice? Also which gender are you?

I haven't. I gave it a name then took it back because I felt like it didn't deserve it. It is neither male nor female. I can't pin it down. I don't want to tell you my gender, sorry. The doctors asked me the same questions. But nobody has actually ever helped me.

 

[almost_dead]

damn thats scary

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Welcome. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope somehow it gets better for you.

 

[Risa]

It a

damn thats scary

With this one sentence you made me cry, you have no clue what I've been through. It actually didn't start with a voice. It started with excruciating pain 9 years ago. I couldn't leave my bed for 1 year because my head felt like exploding + extreme light sensitivity . Then after one year it subsided to a level I could somehow manage. So I ate extremely healthy and did sport every day so I could go back to school. I would sat in class everything hurting.Pain killers did nothing. So I acted as everything was fine, I learned like a mad man for hours because my concentration was whack of all that pain. Then after 4 years all my symptoms disappeared in one night. I had the best half year of my life. Then the pain came again. Then it stopped one day and the next day the voice started. Haven't had any pain like that since. The pain couldn't drive me to suicide the voice can

Welcome. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope somehow it gets better for you.

Thank you. I tried everything already. Seriously I've been everywhere. I'm one of the view people on this forum I guess that hope reincarnation is a thing. I spent my days preparing everything, dreaming of my new life, and watching Netflix

 

[Spitfire]

Dang Risa you really explain it well how it is happening to you.

I know you talked about being prescribed medication to help. How do you feel about those? I am just asking if you take them as prescribed. I know it is tough with schizophrenia and some of those meds have some bad side effects. Certain of them do not work for some people as well as other meds.

If you have had a bad experience with some of the meds, maybe you have an aversion to keep trying with the new dosages and other ones you have been prescribed? I am just trying to think.

The first and most important defense you have against nasty voice or voices is medication. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise, okay... Those are really important for you to find the right ones and the right dosages. That should be the number one focus for you until you find them.. I would not stop looking.

I don't know what you have been through in any of the hospitals or the doctors offices? Sometimes those visits can really help when the voice gets bad. Sometimes a new doctor or medical person like a nurse practitioner may come in to your life and find you your solution at your worst times, if they take a special interest in your case.

The hospitals can be scary when things are not going well, but they have resources there in people and medications that are not available elsewhere for acute episodes.

The solution really is medications for this problem you are experiencing. Anyone who says otherwise does not understand how to help a person with schizophrenia.

I am not against long-term inpatient psychiatric hospital treatment for someone having these type of problems. Somewhere that they can be monitored and have dosage and medication adjustments over several weeks. Is that a possibility for you?

 

[TheSoundofTime]

Hi eryone. I've been reading for some time now on this forum to get information also when I feel lonely. I guess I'm a little weird case because I actually don't want to die at all. It's more like I'm getting forced to ctb. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But my schizophrenia has kinda its own life. Despite hearing a voice (one) it literally can take over my body and forces me to do things I don't like. When I do something it doesn't like it uses my own hands to hit me till unconscious or ripps me hair out. It took over my body several times to get me into Psychatry on purpose because I'm scared of being there. Hit me until my mum called the emergency. Forced me to climb on the other side of a bridge and waited till again the emergency came twice. Ran out in the middle of the night half naked. Saying things to psychiatrist on purpose (it can also talk trough my mouth) to get me in there and on and on. I couldn't control or stop any of these actions. It also rapes me at night don't ask me how I don't know how that works. Shakes my whole bed at night with me not moving an inch, even my mum saw that several times but what can she do, nothing. It also gives me pain on command, I mean it says I give you pain there or there and then it just starts, so now I'm forced to kill myself even though I love life. I love it. I excel at everything I do, I'm funny, I'm pretty to an extent where people ask me if I'm a model, I had an achievable dream, I have great parents,I wake up in the morning see the sun and just want to have fun, maybe you think I'm joking but I'm not, I'm also not trolling I simply can't talk to anybody about this. If I tell the doctors this they simply say it's impossible then prescribe me another pill that doesn't work none of them has. I just wanted to vent about this because nobody believes me. My parents do by now because of my bed shaking at night and my symptoms but nobody else does. Doctors just abuse you. I'm done

Hi Risa
Your situation is extremely difficult to comment on. Do you have any idea what might have caused it? Walks us though your life. We all are sufferers here.
Don't give in to the voices you hear, we are here for you

 

[Risa]

I had that

Dang Risa you really explain it well how it is happening to you.

I know you talked about being prescribed medication to help. How do you feel about those? I am just asking if you take them as prescribed. I know it is tough with schizophrenia and some of those meds have some bad side effects. Certain of them do not work for some people as well as other meds.

If you have had a bad experience with some of the meds, maybe you have an aversion to keep trying with the new dosages and other ones you have been prescribed? I am just trying to think.

The first and most important defense you have against nasty voice or voices is medication. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise, okay... Those are really important for you to find the right ones and the right dosages. That should be the number one focus for you until you find them.. I would not stop looking.

I don't know what you have been through in any of the hospitals or the doctors offices? Sometimes those visits can really help when the voice gets bad. Sometimes a new doctor or medical person like a nurse practitioner may come in to your life and find you your solution at your worst times, if they take a special interest in your case.

The hospitals can be scary when things are not going well, but they have resources there in people and medications that are not available elsewhere for acute episodes.

The solution really is medications for this problem you are experiencing. Anyone who says otherwise does not understand how to help a person with schizophrenia.

I am not against long-term inpatient psychiatric hospital treatment for someone having these type of problems. Somewhere that they can be monitored and have dosage and medication adjustments over several weeks. Is that a possibility for you?

I've been there several weeks it didn't help. I'm on medication but I don't feel like it does anything for me. I'm simply at my limit, rather tired of all this. And I had nice doctors but also several really horrible ones telling me I'm acting and stuff, treating me like a piece of crap. It's been too long, simple as that. Thank you for your concern and answer.

 

[Spitfire]

You are welcome. I wish there was a better answer I could come up with to help you.

I experience voices. Four distinct voices not including my normal thinking voice.

It may sound a little strange. I have found for me there is a certain position where if I put my head at this exact particular angle it can turn off the worst of the voices. It is not a very good angle to be at, and I can't stay there like that for very long at a time. It can provide a moment of relief though when I do it. I wish you had something like that too.

 

[Risa]

Hi Risa
Your situation is extremely difficult to comment on. Do you have any idea what might have caused it? Walks us though your life. We all are sufferers here.
Don't give in to the voices you hear, we are here for you

Well before I got sick the first time 9 years ago. I had problems with being bullied, I was the nerd in the class, the anime kid, I spent my whole time alone watching anime and playing playstation. I hated myself, I really did. I was lonely as fuck could never sleep. I found myself to be really ugly and people told me that too.
I had social anxiety pretty bad I couldn't leave the house alone, got all sweaty if I had to say something and cried a lot. Then I got sick and went back to school at 18 to finish. So I felt like shit but for some reason I had become pretty over that time (guess puperty) so people treated me extra nice. Seriously I knew that before but people are shallow, so I used that so that people couldn't figure out I'm in constant pain. A smile here a smile there, nice cloths, always joking, good grades, and because everything was like a mask I could stop being anxious, my social anxiety stopped because for the first time I actually would talk to people and I made friends. But still constant pain everything else I already wrote. The doctors said it was caused by the bullying but I don't know.
[

Well before I got sick the first time 9 years ago. I had problems with being bullied, I was the nerd in the class, the anime kid, I spent my whole time alone watching anime and playing playstation. I hated myself, I really did. I was lonely as fuck could never sleep. I found myself to be really ugly and people told me that too.
I had social anxiety pretty bad I couldn't leave the house alone, got all sweaty if I had to say something and cried a lot. Then I got sick and went back to school at 18 to finish. So I felt like shit but for some reason I had become pretty over that time (guess puperty) so people treated me extra nice. Seriously I knew that before but people are shallow, so I used that so that people couldn't figure out I'm in constant pain. A smile here a smile there, nice cloths, always joking, good grades, and because everything was like a mask I could stop being anxious, my social anxiety stopped because for the first time I actually would talk to people and I made friends. But still constant pain everything else I already wrote. The doctors said it was caused by the bullying but I don't know.

Well before I got sick the first time 9 years ago. I had problems with being bullied, I was the nerd in the class, the anime kid, I spent my whole time alone watching anime and playing playstation. I hated myself, I really did. I was lonely as fuck could never sleep. I found myself to be really ugly and people told me that too.
I had social anxiety pretty bad I couldn't leave the house alone, got all sweaty if I had to say something and cried a lot. Then I got sick and went back to school at 18 to finish. So I felt like shit but for some reason I had become pretty over that time (guess puperty) so people treated me extra nice. Seriously I knew that before but people are shallow, so I used that so that people couldn't figure out I'm in constant pain. A smile here a smile there, nice cloths, always joking, good grades, and because everything was like a mask I could stop being anxious, my social anxiety stopped because for the first time I actually would talk to people and I made friends. But still constant pain everything else I already wrote. The doctors said it was caused by the bullying but I don't know.

QUOTE="Spitfire, post: 886066, member: 17508"]
You are welcome. I wish there was a better answer I could come up with to help you.

I experience voices. Four distinct voices not including my normal thinking voice.

It may sound a little strange. I have found for me there is a certain position where if I put my head at this exact particular angle it can turn off the worst of the voices. It is not a very good angle to be at, and I can't stay there like that for very long at a time. It can provide a moment of relief though when I do it. I wish you had something like that too.
[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry I know what it's like. My family knows that I'm suffering but you can't really understand until you have it yourself. Constantly being tortured by this is hell. Sadly I don't have that no

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

I think youre possessed by a deamon or some kind of a evil spirit (im serious lol).

 

[Risa]

I

I think youre possessed by a deamon or some kind of a evil spirit (im serious lol).

Yeah a lot of times I think that too. You can explain a lot but since my bed started shaking at night I thought about that a lot because even my mum saw that and I had gotten up at one point so who the fuck is moving my bed. So we actually went to a Medium after that but I think he was a scam

 

[Brackenshire]

Someone that specializes in schizophrenia might be helpful

 

[Spitfire]

Someone that specializes in schizophrenia might be helpful

It sounds like that has been tried, not sure?

They do have those people though who do just that, schizophrenia. Those are the only people they see and care for most of the times... if only ever.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

I

Yeah a lot of times I think that too. You can explain a lot but since my bed started shaking at night I thought about that a lot because even my mum saw that and I had gotten up at one point so who the fuck is moving my bed. So we actually went to a Medium after that but I think he was a scam

Go to a church, you can find everything there and they will be able to point you all the legit people there

 

[Risa]

Someone that specializes in schizophrenia might be helpful

Done that already, sadly.

Go to a church, you can find everything there and they will be able to point you all the legit people there

I've been there too had people praying for me. My family decided to give it a try because my mum had a literal freak out after the bed thing.

 

[Spitfire]

Done that already, sadly.

I've been there too had people praying for me. My family decided to give it a try because my mum had a literal freak out after the bed thing.

I had a thought;

I think like I am in other peoples shoes and I think if it were me this is what I would do at this point.

I would look into video recording yourself anytime you are in bed. Have it always on and recording every time you are in bed to see what it shows you.

Do you think that could help?

If the bed is shaking and it gets onto the video like that.. you would be able to show it to one of the people you see who are trying to help you.

 

[Risa]

I had a thought;

I think like I am in other peoples shoes and I think if it were me this is what I would do at this point.

I would look into video recording yourself anytime you are in bed. Have it always on and recording every time you are in bed to see what it shows you.

Do you think that could help?

If the bed is shaking and it gets onto the video like that.. you would be able to show it to one of the people you see who are trying to help you.

I thought that too
The problem is the moment I decide to record it it just simply doesn't happen. Just like the voice knows exactly what to tell me to hurt me it knows that too. It actually hasn't happened in a month.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

All sounds like a joke but if youre completely serious just ask your mom or a family member to do that and keep an eye
Then show it to us :3

 

[Spitfire]

I thought that too
The problem is the moment I decide to record it it just simply doesn't happen. Just like the voice knows exactly what to tell me to hurt me it knows that too. It actually hasn't happened in a month.

That makes sense to me. I like that you thought of it already.

I would still do it if it were me. I would not let the voice think it is smart enough to get away this.

Plus, if this is a way to stop that from ever happening again.. then I would do it for that reason alone.

 

[Risa]

We

All sounds like a joke but if youre completely serious just ask your mom or a family member to do that and keep an eye
Then show it to us :3

It's not a joke I would not lie about it.
Well I could tell my parents to put their phone in my room when I don't see it. The problem is it hasn't happened in a month since I decided to ctb. That's what it wanted anyway, everything has calmed down a little bit even the voice has hours of silence and I plan on dying in 3 weeks. I try I ask them.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

well thats their goal then probably I dunno, you should do what you want, not what they want

 

[Risa]

well thats their goal then probably I dunno, you should do what you want, not what they want

Yeah in theory but what do you do when you can't protect yourself anymore and can't life anymore and get tortured every day. My dad said yes about the video and made a joke about Ghostbusters hahaha . Also I can't buy my "poison of choice" today
Even though I prepared for 5 days because my parerents kind of inferred with my plan so I have to wait till tomorrow. I think I'm just going to watch Netflix now. I'm tired

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Welcome to SS. I'm so sorry for your situation. People here understand.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Welcome to SS. That has to be terrifying. I'm so sorry someone who loves life has to go through this torture. I hope they can find a medication very soon that will quiet that voice and make it disappear.

 

[MewtwoIsAlive]

Yeah in theory but what do you do when you can't protect yourself anymore and can't life anymore and get tortured every day. My dad said yes about the video and made a joke about Ghostbusters hahaha . Also I can't buy my "poison of choice" today
Even though I prepared for 5 days because my parerents kind of inferred with my plan so I have to wait till tomorrow. I think I'm just going to watch Netflix now. I'm tired

If your life can be good and normal without these voices then you dont have to commit suicide, I really see no point to do this in your case...

 

[Deleted member 94]

I had that

I've been there several weeks it didn't help. I'm on medication but I don't feel like it does anything for me. I'm simply at my limit, rather tired of all this. And I had nice doctors but also several really horrible ones telling me I'm acting and stuff, treating me like a piece of crap. It's been too long, simple as that. Thank you for your concern and answer.

Did you tell your doctor that the meds aren't working so you can try a different one. There are many different ones out there what works for one person usually doesn't work for another. No one size fits all I'm afraid.

 

[Risa]

Did you tell your doctor that the meds aren't working so you can try a different one. There are many different ones out there what works for one person usually doesn't work for another. No one size fits all I'm afraid.

I did but we haven't found anything yet :(

 

[Spitfire]

Risa,

May I say I love the screen name you have choosen for yourself! It has a nice ring and sounds beautiful to me.