My boyfriend is going to Sweden for three weeks to visit a girl he's cheated on me with and I don't have anyone else to talk to so here's my little vent.
As I lay here drugged up I can't help but want to go sooner and nothing is stopping me I think in the next 48 hours I will most likely be taking my life. Not directly from him cheating it's many other things also but after almost 3 years together and i'm still nothing when he finds something that hurts. I know people love and care about me I read through my mother's baby chest that held notes of how precious I am to her and how very loved I am but it still can't overpower the evil people I have met and those who have harmed me emotionally or physically.
Sexual assault and a drug use, that's not a life. I don't have a life.
What he is doing is pushing me to the edge. He doesn't know that I know and I know he and her will laugh when i'm gone. I will not be missed.
My mother has now changed, friends are gone, my boyfriend is cheating and going to visit for a month. They all move on in life as I am locked in the past traumas. They will be fine without me and it's bittersweet. I am thankful he will be happy like he once was with me before he decided to cheat rather than leave, I do wish it was me in his arms not her. I miss his comfort and advice when I tried telling him hw ignored to talk to her and called me a coward for wanting to go. I just really want to go. I tried to do everything right and i'm still not enough. I was always scared of nothingness- I wanted to watch over him in the afterlife and my family but now I am hoping for nothingness. I can't do it anymore.
Only a few more days until my trip. I don't think it's going to be very scary. I will be asleep so quick after taking it, i'm going to feel better soon. If there is an afterlife i'm positive there is even though I don't want one and i'm sure i'll feel no pain there. Peace is an experience I could never find.
As I lay here drugged up I can't help but want to go sooner and nothing is stopping me I think in the next 48 hours I will most likely be taking my life. Not directly from him cheating it's many other things also but after almost 3 years together and i'm still nothing when he finds something that hurts. I know people love and care about me I read through my mother's baby chest that held notes of how precious I am to her and how very loved I am but it still can't overpower the evil people I have met and those who have harmed me emotionally or physically.
Sexual assault and a drug use, that's not a life. I don't have a life.
What he is doing is pushing me to the edge. He doesn't know that I know and I know he and her will laugh when i'm gone. I will not be missed.
My mother has now changed, friends are gone, my boyfriend is cheating and going to visit for a month. They all move on in life as I am locked in the past traumas. They will be fine without me and it's bittersweet. I am thankful he will be happy like he once was with me before he decided to cheat rather than leave, I do wish it was me in his arms not her. I miss his comfort and advice when I tried telling him hw ignored to talk to her and called me a coward for wanting to go. I just really want to go. I tried to do everything right and i'm still not enough. I was always scared of nothingness- I wanted to watch over him in the afterlife and my family but now I am hoping for nothingness. I can't do it anymore.
Only a few more days until my trip. I don't think it's going to be very scary. I will be asleep so quick after taking it, i'm going to feel better soon. If there is an afterlife i'm positive there is even though I don't want one and i'm sure i'll feel no pain there. Peace is an experience I could never find.
