"help"

[ctbcat]

i fear saying this, but every single time someone brings up the concept of 'help' here... instead of rage or sorrow i just feel sort of... selfishly glad the system is so inadequate?

the fact these systems don't work means it's one less obstacle in my way. these systems not working means i get to kill myself.

i don't believe suicide is a cure-all whatsoever, and obviously i know it would be great if each system did work, that people didn't slip through the cracks. like i said - this is a selfish thing. i only feel it is good for myself.

... i'm not very sure systems can ever be 'fixed', though. each thing has it's own flaw, it's own thing that'll eventually lead to some big tragedy over and over again

 

[Agon321]

Selfishness is not bad. Sometimes it is necessary.
You're not supposed to be completely nice and empathetic. Many people will probably disagree with me, but this is the result of my observations.
However, it seems to me that you are trying to rationalize your CTB. This is completely normal. I do exactly the same. I also try to convince myself that CTB is the best possible option. This is how I want to minimize the SI.

It is impossible to create a perfect system. Because we are not perfect. Everyone has advantages and disadvantages. Sometimes it needs to be adjusted to changing conditions, but it will never be perfect.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm the opposite. I want to live. I still remember flashes of when I was temporarily happy. I keep waiting for a branch (system) to stop my fall. Something I can use to hoist myself out of this pain and suffering. For the person to say I know how to help you, I will end your suffering. Instead I don't think that exists at least for me. I don't fantasize about killing myself, I fantasize about being helped. I don't want to die but I refuse to live the way I am for much longer.

 

[wait.what]

@brokeandbroken — What would useful help look like to you?

 

[brokeandbroken]

@brokeandbroken — What would useful help look like to you?

Many things such as these.
1.
->Legal help so I can restore my future that was taken. Can take many forms. Such as a medical school reaching out and saying we have heard your story we will give you a spot in our university.
->PUMs saying look we screwed up we will provide restitution time and if you still want to pursue medicine we will give you a scholarship, cover living expenses, and etc... This assumes they have put effort into making the university better and putting students first instead of their checkbook.
-> Or simply pure legal help e.g. just restitution such as a lawyer saying I heard what happened I am here to help. On a contingency basis or pro bono.
2. Sallie Mae and the USG forgiving all my debt allowing me to start anew. Giving me the ability to go back to school and get a masters or PHD in something.
3. Opportunity to work at a job that provides upward mobility and has meaning where I can make a difference.
4. I'm not on drugs or drinking. I am simply broke yet I am homeless. Instead of going into a shelter which will happen in 2 weeks as my current accommodations end then. Having family or long lost friends reaching out and saying look I know you have been through a rough times I'll open my door to you and help you get back on your feet.

In essence either someone taking me under their wing and giving me opportunities and/or someone in my corner fighting for me. All I want is to achieve or even exceeding my potential.