Help me to keep on living

[Sadsadsad0000]

I hate myself. I hate my existence. I hate things about myself. I have very bad PTSD and everything reminds me of why I hate myself. Sometimes I try to carry on as normal. There's even times where I don't hate myself and don't want to die but when I am reminded of how much I hate being trans, having learning disabilities, and physical disabilities, it makes me just want to die. I have fantasized about killing myself for years but never went through with it. My partner loves me so much. So does my family and my friends... but I am numb. I just fake a smile and tell them all I love them but when I see myself in the mirror and think about how much I hurt everyone around me, I shut down. I just want to die and not know it so I don't suffer. I don't want to attempt suicide and then regret it like I know I will and be in medical debt and embarrassment for putting my family through that again. I don't want to die, though... but after years of therapy and still being unable to get over my self-loathing, pushing people away, and hurting them by instilling them the same emotional beatings that have been put on me, I just don't see an alternative. I have issues with myself that make me a complete asshole deep-down. I didn't use to hate trans people until I found out that I myself was trans. Now that I'm disabled, I hate disabled people too. I don't want to feel this way. I just hate myself so much that it has corrupted my sentiments about everything that I see in myself. No one has been able to help me. I hate my existence and, sometimes, I'm really good about forgetting that and I'm nice to be around but when I remember, I fly off the handle and hurt myself and anyone who is close to me during these times. I just want to stop. I just want to be normal. How the hell am I supposed to live like this?! I want to live but I don't see myself getting better. How can I? I have everything I want in my life. I've been building skills and coping mechanisms for years. I still hurt people and make them worse for being around me. I still have comtempt for myself. Convince me that there's a reason to not pursue an early retirment from life.

 

[meemee]

Do you have hobbies? Interests? Things you wanna try? Do you think these could distract you even for a bit? Maybe if your brain is occupied with something else you could forget about those thoughts for a while. Keep your hands full. Or disassociate.