Life is shit. I fuck everything up. My family are sick of me and my partner is too. The weight is crushing me. My daughter is 7 months old and im a terrible mother. She deserves so much better, everyone thinks I can't be bothered with her because I struggle at times and get really stressed, she is my world, but I can't take this anymore. I keep trying to do the right thing and I always fuck up. I'm scared. I dont want to die. I just want the people I love to care about me. That tiny seed of hope that things will get better is there. But I know I need to end it. I have put this off before because I thought it would get better. I think it's time I cut myself a break. I just don't know where to start. Methods... Location... I don't want to be in any more pain, but if its to bring an end to this miserable life then I guess its worth it... Right? I'm scared to hang myself incase it fails. I've thought about heading up the woods and trying to wrap my car around a tree, but what if I survive? I can't be locked up in a nuthouse.
TheDevilsAngel
LetMeFree
- Apr 22, 2019
- 768
I'm so sorry you are suffering like this.... Only you can make that decision, there are alot of resources here.... I just want you to know we are here for you no matter what you decide.. Sending you hugs
Surely you are a great mother and you still do not know, you have something you love very much and that is already more than 99% of the people in this forum.
Be strong and if your family does not love or understand you, go away and form a new life with your newborn daughter.
It's just clear advice, greetings.
Be strong and if your family does not love or understand you, go away and form a new life with your newborn daughter.
It's just clear advice, greetings.
9
I wish that was an option, her father would never let me leave with her, so either way I'm screwed. I know I'm so lucky to have her, to have something to care about. I don't want to sound like I don't know my blessings. I do and she is it. I just know she will be better without me and I have to give her a chance. I'm so fucked up I couldn't bear passi g this in to her. She deserves a happy life and I do not want to taint that. Thank you for your reply
I'm quite new to the site so still finding my way around! I know I want to end it I just haven't worked out how or when yet. As soon as possible would be ideal but I don't want to screw that up too so I'd rather take the time and do it right! Thank you x
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
I think your pain is very real, and I'm sad to see you suffering. I really don't want you to think I'm dismissing your pain, because I'm definitely not. But have you been checked for postpartum depression? It's serious and can hit you even a year or more after you have your baby, and it could definitely cause you to have these feelings. I would explore that before giving up all hope and leaving your baby.
Yes I have been diagnosed with pnd, that on top of my borderline personality disorder has made things really hard. I will be honest because then you will understand why she's better without me. I have been a terrible mother, there have been days where I just could not cope with her screaming and had to put her to my mums, there have been times I have shouted at her and said some horrible things. I have been getting treatment, I thought I was progressing and getting better but everyone around me keeps telling me I'm just selfish and not trying. I just can't take it anymore. I am fighting with everything I have. I am trying. But its not good enough and never will be. I could take the shit if I wasn't trying, but somehow it seems harder to hear when I know I'm giving it everything I've got. I just want to do the right thing, I'm so sick of being a disappointment to everyone
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
First of all, fuck everyone who doesn't support you. People don't understand regular depression, and they understand postpartum even less. So they say you're lazy and not doing your job, but I can tell that's not true.
You're sick.
You deserve help and support. You deserve to not be put down.
Nothing you've said makes me agree that you're a bad mom. You're sick and in pain and overwhelmed. Even mentally healthy moms can't deal with their babies sometimes. Everyone needs help. You just need more.
You're sick.
You deserve help and support. You deserve to not be put down.
Nothing you've said makes me agree that you're a bad mom. You're sick and in pain and overwhelmed. Even mentally healthy moms can't deal with their babies sometimes. Everyone needs help. You just need more.
So many things have happened that got to this point but mainly my post natal depression I'd what got it to this point. My dad actually knows I plan to kill myself and doesn't give a toot. He actually just said "I take it you have packed your job in". What bugs me is that these are the people who will play on my death when I'm gone. They will play the heartbroken grieving parents when they are a big part of the reason that I want to end this. I know I'm going to do it now. I just need to figure out a method. Ive been thinking about an overdose but no idea on what I would need to make sure I did it right
k75
L'appel du Vide
- Jun 27, 2019
- 2,546
I mean all of it. Obviously I don't walk in your shoes, but I understand.
When I had my son, I just had such a breakdown. Everyone loved the baby... everyone came to see the baby... it felt like they didn't need or want me anymore. I was invisible. I thought I was the absolute worst because I was jealous of my own child, and I really thought I was a failure and a burden everyone hated. Sometimes I'd catch myself yelling, too. I thought I'd be better off dead.
It took awhile, but I managed to heal. I don't have any advice, but I don't think any of this is your fault, and you aren't alone.
This is how I feel, I don't want to be the centre of attention, never have, but I totally relate to the feeling of not being wanted anymore. I have always suffered with abandonment issues and never really had any friends as I was never the cool kid. So my family is everything to me because they are all I've got. I think the love they have for my daughter is what I seek for myself and so have possibly had some jealousy towards her. I feel horrible just saying that. But I just want to accept things for what they really are before I'm gone.
Lostandfound7
Just waiting....
- Jan 21, 2020
- 995
Hey Beautiful..I'm so sorry to hear that u r suffering like this.It sounds like u just really need some love n support from ur fam. That is so painful to feel that way,being hurt by the ppl u love n closest to u. U can always talk to us here. We r here for u, even if only virtually. U r NOT a bad mom, u just need help n support. U have found it here. So keep talking n try n stick around for a few, if only to get better for the baby. I have no children,but would do anything to. We r here for u no matter what u decide..love u 
Soul
gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
- Apr 12, 2019
- 4,704
@HopelessFailure, I'm sorry you're struggling.
If you want to learn about methods, please have a look at the Compilation of Resources near the top of the forum:
If you want to talk, we're good listeners.
Either way, please be gentle with yourself. Needing a break sometimes doesn't mean you're a bad mother. You're ill and deserve support - and you can quote me. (((Hugs)))
If you want to learn about methods, please have a look at the Compilation of Resources near the top of the forum:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/
If you want to talk, we're good listeners.
Either way, please be gentle with yourself. Needing a break sometimes doesn't mean you're a bad mother. You're ill and deserve support - and you can quote me. (((Hugs)))
After my second child I had severe ppd as well. I started an antidepressant so I wouldn't ctb.
im sorry you feel so alienated. I've been in a similar place as you please feel free to reach out if you want to. Babies are very hard, and can drive us insane at times. Don't blame yourself for needing breaks and sending baby to family. If the baby makes you too mad put her in a safe place leave the room and give yourself space to be sad and angry. It won't kill baby to rest alone for a couple minutes, and it will spare you guilt.
you are not a bad mom because you feel stress when you lack social support. one thing I would do is give myself space from the baby, and reflect on the things I loved about the baby or that made me feel good. Giving yourself a chance to miss the baby might help with feeling around the baby.
It sounds like you are bonded to the baby, so use that. Get the smiles and hugs your family isn't giving you from her. Make her you little buddy, and the island of hope in a sea of shit. This is what I do to keep going.
im sorry you feel so alienated. I've been in a similar place as you please feel free to reach out if you want to. Babies are very hard, and can drive us insane at times. Don't blame yourself for needing breaks and sending baby to family. If the baby makes you too mad put her in a safe place leave the room and give yourself space to be sad and angry. It won't kill baby to rest alone for a couple minutes, and it will spare you guilt.
you are not a bad mom because you feel stress when you lack social support. one thing I would do is give myself space from the baby, and reflect on the things I loved about the baby or that made me feel good. Giving yourself a chance to miss the baby might help with feeling around the baby.
It sounds like you are bonded to the baby, so use that. Get the smiles and hugs your family isn't giving you from her. Make her you little buddy, and the island of hope in a sea of shit. This is what I do to keep going.
Your family shouldn't be telling you it's your fault and you aren't trying hard enough. That's wrong. Clearly you are or you wouldn't feel as you do. You need more support, not judgement.
I'm the same, I try with everything I've got and more I didn't know I had against unwinnable circumstances but if I show any weakness or that I'm not coping I get told I'm not trying hard enough.
Can you talk to them? Be calm and firm and explain that you need them to understand and not judge?
I'm the same, I try with everything I've got and more I didn't know I had against unwinnable circumstances but if I show any weakness or that I'm not coping I get told I'm not trying hard enough.
Can you talk to them? Be calm and firm and explain that you need them to understand and not judge?
I have tried to ask them, but I got told that I was just being selfish and not thinking about what I was putting them through. They are very cut and dry type people, if they don't have mental health problems then no one else should (although they would never admit that)
I would just like to thank each and every one of you for your responses. I have received more love and compassion on here from strangers than I've had from anyone I know. I've never felt that I 'belong' anywhere until today. Thank you so much.
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GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Reading your other post. Looked up previous posts for background.
I so relate to the quote. I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing.
I truly feel for you, friend; I don't mean this lightly. You have a deeply personal decisions make. I envy you you courage.
TheEndof
It's getting dark and it's getting cold
- Dec 31, 2019
- 146
I'm so sorry you're going through what you're experiencing. I am currently pregnant and suffering from perinatal depression on top of already being depressed and anxious. My biggest fear is giving birth and causing irreversible harm to my son. I wish I had advice to offer you, but I'm struggling as well. All I can say is what women experience during pregnancy and after birth is something no one can really understand unless they've experienced it themselves, especially when mental health is involved or already a factor that increases your risk for even more challenges. It sounds like you're doing your very best. Sometimes that's all we can do.
That you willing to bring a new life into this world is amazing...that Is because YOU are AMAZING.
UpandDownPrincess
Elementalist
- Dec 31, 2019
- 833
Ending your life is the wrong answer to both of these things.
If you don't want to die, this isn't really the best place for you although we will support you however we can.
If the people you love do not care about you, ending your life will not make them do so. There will not be a moment when you look down from heaven and see all of them wailing and crying over you. They may likely call you selfish, impulsive and other adjectives that are neither true nor flattering.
Your daughter is very, very young. Please do not desert her now. Keep trying. She really does need you.
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You have wrong person, respectfully. I do not have a daughter. Nice, supportive thoughts however!
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I'd like to respectfully disagree with this statement with 3 points. Please know I am not invalidating you, I respect you. I want to express validation and respect for the OP, those engaging with her here, and SS.
- When suicide comes up as a potential solution to huge problems, it needs to be looked at. If it is not, it gains great power. Ignoring anything gives it power. This is the only place I know of where this option can be let out in the open, and where the support every human needs can be experienced to address it.
- The OP is getting support from people who are peers and understand her isolating challenges, especially: suicidal contemplation, BPD, post-natal depression, being a new mother, and family shunning. They are all bits of hell. No one should walk through hell alone
- Many on SS don't want to die. Some find no viable alternative. Some work with the support of this community to find solutions. Some use the recovery threads. As long as suicide is or has been on the table, this is a fitting place. She belongs. So do you. So do I. Unless one is anti-suicide or anti-choice, it is a place for them.
Think there may have been a bit of confusion about the not wanting to die part, sorry. In a perfect world I would enjoy life and have the people I care about care about me too. I thought that's what life was about. The people we share it with. Finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and holding them close. The memories we create with the people we love. Having children and watching them grow up, just having people around you that would be there for you when things do get tough.
But that's not the life I have. I don't see happiness in my future. I see pain. Sadness. Torment. Loneliness. Regret. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of just being but never really connecting.
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