Story Hello, I'm a new member and here is my story.

[shevawc]

Hello, I am a new member here and here is my story. I did not know where to start posting or even if this is a good place to post this.

So I'm in my late 20's right now but my will to end my life started approximately 4-5 years ago when I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. Well to heck I said many people suffer from those, so I started taking my meds, a cocktail of xanax and antidepresants. Although I was taking my meds and they seemed to work, after some time I just went back to where I started. So the doctors prescribed different meds and my mental health deteriorated. I reached a point that I was diagnosed with psychosis and the Fregoli syndrome. For those who don't know what is this, it's a syndrome in which you believe that someone has taken the appearance of people you know. In my case my psychosis made me think that an entity was watching me constantly and I couldn't stay alone for much before going crazy and paranoid. The Fregoli made me think that my loved ones (family etc) where basically this entity taking shape of the person I knew. It's a pretty shitty feeling that makes you from unsettled to wanting to leave the place you are with this other person right away.

So this whole situation made me want to end my life and borderline alcoholic. I almost did once when I almost fell deliberately with my motorcycle while wearing no helmet. My human instinct kicked in and saved me, although this is my first time disclosing this attempt of mine. Nobody understood what I was going through at that time. I had some friends but they were incapable of understanding and having mental issues was some kind of a taboo in my closed group. At that time I met a girl that would aleviate the lonely motorcycle rides in the night. To heck I said at least I'll have company till she gets bored of me or her boyfriend comes back from where he is. After endless nights going to bars, going to the sea, or just riding till we get tired I began to understand that she was the only person that actually understood what I was going through. I did not disclose to her the entirety of my problems but she was capable of understanding what I was going through. And like that I fell in love with her. I haven't fell in love with anybody before in my life. Everybody just seemed boring and superficial but she was not. She understood me. She broke up with her boyfriend and became my girlfriend and we continued doing the stuff we liked doing. You know just not giving a shit about anything.

I still remember my birthdate of that year as the best day of my life.

The problem with her is that she wanted to do a Master's abroad and I knew that I finally I had met someone who understands me. I was not going to let her go away, so I offered her to go together and she liked the idea (I did not want to go myself). So we found a school that took us both with scholarship and went to North America. Things where difficult at the beginning. We did not live on our own, the school was hard for her and she didn't have time to do anything else except studying. She did not have energy to do things we liked etc. I know I have put pressure on her about this and it does not make me feel good and I consider this behavior of mine to be abusive. I don't know if I'm controlling by nature or the meds made me I just despise myself for doing that at least retrospectively. As time went by all the symptoms I had with the psychosis and the Fregoli came back. However this time it made her afraid of me and I did not know what to do and all of this made our relationship worse.

Two-three months ago I overheard her saying to a friend of her that she is thinking of breaking up with me. I thought maybe I'm not attractive to her anymore or she can't deal with me or my mental disorders. From that time I stopped all the medication so I'm not like a zombie all day and I try to hide my symptoms so she things I'm ok. Recently she announced to me that she is going to live with a friend and we will see if our relationship gets better by doing this. But I know that she doesn't believe that. Maybe it's just an excuse to get rid of me.

I feel like I am being buried alive by hiding all these emotions. The constant fear of something watching you is unbearable when you can't leave the house due to quarantine. At this point I have abandoned my studies, have started smoking and drinking again and counting the days till I'm left alone to fight with my mind and myself. I don't have any friends or family here where I am so this is unbearable.

I have already started exploring different methods to CTB. I promised myself that I am not going to fall into darkness again least of all on my own, without any family or friends around. I haven't decided on a date yet. Maybe during the summer, depending on how things evolve. I just want to gather all of the needed supplies so I can go whenever I want and be at peace. I have decided to go with SN method ffrom Stan's guide since I have almost everything except the Sodium Nitrite.

I just do not want to feel alone. All I want is love and somebody who understands me. It helps a lot symptom-wise when you have somebody who feels for you, otherwise my mind won't shut up.

I wish I could turn back time to 3 years ago to relive it and I wish I never took those meds in the first place.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[Partial-Elf]

Holy shit. That Fregoli thing sounds terrifying, I literally cannot imagine.

Completely sucks that the master's abroad threw a wrench into a good thing. Seems like there's always something, always some goddamn catch. I hope things are able to be patched up.

I wish people understood suicide.

 

[Iloveyouall]

No need to be sorry, you needed to vent and I hope just writing all that down somewhat helped you, even if it's just a little.
Did you and your gf have had an actual talk about all this ?
How does that Fregoli thing work ? I mean, you seem pretty conscious of it so I imagine it's like an overwhelming feeling of something or someone watching you ? If you don't mind talking about it of course.
Easy to say and pretty dull but try to go easy on smoking and drinking. I tell you that but I'm also doing the same pretty much all day but still.

 

[shevawc]

Holy shit. That Fregoli thing sounds terrifying, I literally cannot imagine.

Completely sucks that the master's abroad threw a wrench into a good thing. Seems like there's always something, always some goddamn catch. I hope things are able to be patched up.

I wish people understood suicide.

No need to be sorry, you needed to vent and I hope just writing all that down somewhat helped you, even if it's just a little.
Did you and your gf have had an actual talk about all this ?
How does that Fregoli thing work ? I mean, you seem pretty conscious of it so I imagine it's like an overwhelming feeling of something or someone watching you ? If you don't mind talking about it of course.
Easy to say and pretty dull but try to go easy on smoking and drinking. I tell you that but I'm also doing the same pretty much all day but still.

Well I guess that for every person it is different and since Fregoli is a pretty rare syndrom I haven't talked to people that actually have it to compare symptoms. People may be suspicious when they feel "it's happening" or smth but I am not.

Generally I am pretty concious about that the feeling I have about this entity watching me is real, but the entity is not real. Also I have not seen it in any form of hallucination except in some cases in sleep paralysis that I have seen it or heard it.That being said I cannot overcome the fear I feel everytime. Fear is one of the most strongest emotions anyways.

So when it comes to Fregoli for example I feel that this entity has gotten inside my girlfriend, or is taking tha shape of her. What I feel at that moment is that I know it is not real but I still feel tremendously unsettlement and fear. I can't control it. Also it feels like the first time seeing this entity with my own eyes and takes the shape of my girlfriend.

About the conversation with my girlfriend. She knows I have this but the last months I have stopped showing her my symptoms due to me overhearing the conversation with her friend saying that I am always like a zombie due to meds and that sometimes she fears me when I tell her that I am having the Fregoli thing at that moment. So I stopped showing and telling her that I experience it. The only conversation we had was basically a relationship conversation in which she told me that she doesn't feel the same etc but we will try, wait and see how things evolve.

About the alcohol and smoking I agree I would give the same advice but it still helps to cope with things.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Welcome. I am sorry for all you are going through. I wish I knew what I could do to help you. All I can do is wish that somehow your life gets better for you.

 

[5:45AM]

About the conversation with my girlfriend. She knows I have this but the last months I have stopped showing her my symptoms due to me overhearing the conversation with her friend saying that I am always like a zombie due to meds and that sometimes she fears me when I tell her that I am having the Fregoli thing at that moment. So I stopped showing and telling her that I experience it. The only conversation we had was basically a relationship conversation in which she told me that she doesn't feel the same etc but we will try, wait and see how things evolve.

You are in a really stressful and rough situation, I can sympathize with people not really understanding and even fearing your problems, it's terrible, even people who have their own crippling mental illnesses that they can't control can be pushed away by their lack of understanding. At the same time you can't really make somebody stay with you and deal with your symptoms as they come, especially being in a taxing and important time of their life like pursuing a degree, it can be really crushing though... I think you should consider being open and honest and having a long conversation about everything going on. I've found that hiding your thoughts and feelings is the fastest way to make a relationship decay. Best of luck, and I hope that you find peace in whatever happens.

 

[shevawc]

You are in a really stressful and rough situation, I can sympathize with people not really understanding and even fearing your problems, it's terrible, even people who have their own crippling mental illnesses that they can't control can be pushed away by their lack of understanding. At the same time you can't really make somebody stay with you and deal with your symptoms as they come, especially being in a taxing and important time of their life like pursuing a degree, it can be really crushing though... I think you should consider being open and honest and having a long conversation about everything going on. I've found that hiding your thoughts and feelings is the fastest way to make a relationship decay. Best of luck, and I hope that you find peace in whatever happens.

To be honest I believe the same. It's just that I won't speak my mind because then she may think I do it because I am controlling (I have been controlling in the past but not anymore) so it will push her away.

 

[5:45AM]

I feel you deeply having been abusive in a relationship, coming back from it and having doubts. It is tough but I think the best thing you could do for the both of you is to bring up that behavior to your girlfriend, and just be as genuine as you can be. i.e. talk about your thoughts and concerns, let her speak her mind on it and really listen to what she thinks, and acknowledge it. I think the antidote to having been abusive/controlling is to just let go, let what happens be. It's scary and difficult, but you could come out of it with a new rapport with eachother, and rekindled feelings.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Do you have any goals for the future, what are you doing for yourself? You sound very passionate, like someone who gives his all to the person he loves. This is why I stay away from relationships. I'm the same, I give everything and rely on my relationship to save me. I cherish it and want to be with my partner All the time, I just want to go away with him to an island and just be together and not worry about other people. But it's just not possible. In this life, everyone is out for themselves. Especially at your age, this is the time to plan your careers and lives. I don't know if you'll find what you're looking for, and I'm sorry. But please don't waste your life yet, just see what happens...

 

[shevawc]

Do you have any goals for the future, what are you doing for yourself? You sound very passionate, like someone who gives his all to the person he loves. This is why I stay away from relationships. I'm the same, I give everything and rely on my relationship to save me. I cherish it and want to be with my partner All the time, I just want to go away with him to an island and just be together and not worry about other people. But it's just not possible. In this life, everyone is out for themselves. Especially at your age, this is the time to plan your careers and lives. I don't know if you'll find what you're looking for, and I'm sorry. But please don't waste your life yet, just see what happens...

Well my only goal in life is not to be alone. When I am with someone and feel loved my symptoms get better and my mental health improves. They don't go away but it certainly is better.

And its true that I give my all to the person I love. I went to the other side of the world (literally) just for this person. I am good at what I do professionally regardless of my mental issues. I guess I could be better if I didn't have them and I personally don't care about any career because having a good career is not a goal of my life. I think I could get a good career given that my mind shuts up for a bit and let me focus but then again it's not what I want.

Yeah I would also like to do a motorcycle-trip to Europe but it's just not possible, that's why I have set the minimum goal to not get through life alone.

For now I count the days with fear for the time when I will live alone and the sleep paralysis, hallucinations etc start running rampant again. I don't think I can take it again.

But yeah I agree with you that in this life everyone is out for themselves. I guess I'm not built for this life. So far I haven't been doing things just for me. But meh.

 

[RedDEE]

I believe you're making a mistake by closing yourself off to her. A relationship thrives on openedness and honesty. Okay, so it might scare her a little when you share with her what you're going through, but if she loves you she will deal with it. You can't put up walls to protect her, because that puts distance between your hearts. If you truly love her, and she loves you, you must bare your entire heart to her, with all it's fear, ugliness, and love. And if she loves you, she will accept you - maybe the things you want to hide from her are the things that make her love you.

You are afraid of hurting her. You're afraid that you're controlling. You're afraid that she will think you are controlling her. You said that you don't want to speak your mind to her because you're afraid she will think you're controlling her. That's very irrational. Stop being so over protective of her. Maybe you are a little controlling and a little abusive, but reality check bro - everybody fucking is.

If you continue to hide things from her and wall up your heart, you will create a distance that will continue in momentum and you will lose her. That's not fair to her, because if she loves you, she doesn't want to lose you. But it will be your fault, because you decided that hiding your true feelings, putting up walls, and lieing to her -protecting her- was more important than sharing intimate open honest love with her. And hell, I don't know, I don't know you. Maybe that is the right thing for you to do.

But I think if you bare your heart and soul to this woman, and lose your fear of being controlling and abusive, then that will be good because if she loves you she will stay despite your flaws. But if you forever conceal your true self to her - you've lost her for sure. You're afraid of being abusive because you don't want to hurt her because you love her. But being your true self is the only way to keep her.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Thank you for sharing... That's quite a story.... You seem to be a kind guy. A lot of people just want to be with someone, i guess it's natural. But being with someone who makes you feel you're no good can break you. Do things you like, you seem enthusiastic enough, the person for you will come when you're ready. I wish you loads of happiness....

 

[RedDEE]

Also, I want to chime in on something else that's really important. I think you made a mistake by stopping your medicine. You stopped your medicine just because you overheard her say it makes you a zombie. Have you ever considered that maybe you misunderstood her? Or have you considered that when people are upset they say things they don't really mean. She might have been just completely talking out of her ass.

I obviously don't know this girl, but I have a gut feeling that you both really care about each other. I think if she found out you stopped taking your medicine because of her, that it would hurt her heart. I think you should tell her. I don't think she would want you to stop taking your medicine.

If you think your medicine is making you a zombie, you should talk to your doctor. But if you feel good on them, you shouldn't stop taking them because of what you think she said, because there's a lot of room for misunderstanding there. Even if she did say and mean that, you still shouldn't stop taking your medicine if you believe taking it is good for you and it helps. You can love too much. You can love so much it blinds you. You must put yourself first, because your welfare is more important than what someone says behind your back.

I feel that you are a man with a lot of love and passion left. That's coming from a man that had that kind of love and passion, and grew cold. You can beat this mental problem, it's solvable. You can keep love burning in your heart. I think some people should kill themselves. I think a lot of people should. I can feel you through your posts, and I don't feel like you are that kind of person. I think you've just hit a temporary low that you can bounce back from.

As far as your mental problem, I have the same one. I hear voices and feel like an entity is watching me always. I realized that it's just me. Even though it FEELS like it's a seperate entity that watches me, and a seperate entity that speaks to me through voices, I have moments of clarity where I realize it's just me. The feeling you have of being watched is simply your conciousness being aware of itself - the feeling of it being a seperate entity is a kind of illusion, it happens that way because the mind acts like a mirror mirroring it's own reflection. It's just you, buddy. Some people call it God.

As far as thinking this entity has manisfested the people you know and become them, it's kind of the same problem. You're confused about your concious awareness, thinking your own conciousness is seperate from itself, and you're projecting this onto other people. When you realize that this entity is yourself, including your deep sub concious and unconcious mind, you can realize that when you're interacting with another person, you're interacting with a conciousness seperate from your own. So when you interact with another concious human, you have your own one conciousness, which feels like it's two (your's, and "the entity", which is actually just yourself, it just feels seperate) interacting with another conciousness that ACTUALLY IS seperate. Which can cause a fuck ton of weird feelings, ideas, and misunderstanding if you don't realize what's going on.

I've grappled with this a lot. I had and still have a hard time realizing the seperateness of myself and other people, and the oneness of myself. It's extremely confusing, especially after you've had a few bad acid trips. I hope I made sense.

 

[shevawc]

I believe you're making a mistake by closing yourself off to her. A relationship thrives on openedness and honesty. Okay, so it might scare her a little when you share with her what you're going through, but if she loves you she will deal with it. You can't put up walls to protect her, because that puts distance between your hearts. If you truly love her, and she loves you, you must bare your entire heart to her, with all it's fear, ugliness, and love. And if she loves you, she will accept you - maybe the things you want to hide from her are the things that make her love you.

You are afraid of hurting her. You're afraid that you're controlling. You're afraid that she will think you are controlling her. You said that you don't want to speak your mind to her because you're afraid she will think you're controlling her. That's very irrational. Stop being so over protective of her. Maybe you are a little controlling and a little abusive, but reality check bro - everybody fucking is.

If you continue to hide things from her and wall up your heart, you will create a distance that will continue in momentum and you will lose her. That's not fair to her, because if she loves you, she doesn't want to lose you. But it will be your fault, because you decided that hiding your true feelings, putting up walls, and lieing to her -protecting her- was more important than sharing intimate open honest love with her. And hell, I don't know, I don't know you. Maybe that is the right thing for you to do.

But I think if you bare your heart and soul to this woman, and lose your fear of being controlling and abusive, then that will be good because if she loves you she will stay despite your flaws. But if you forever conceal your true self to her - you've lost her for sure. You're afraid of being abusive because you don't want to hurt her because you love her. But being your true self is the only way to keep her.

Well yesterday I tried talking to her because she caught me crying and I just thought maybe I give it a try. Once again I made her feel bad, probably because she wants to live on her own and now she probably feels guilt for that. These last months everytime I try to open up, I get this feedback as a response. I just make her feel bad. I try to express my mind and how I feel, not to make someone feel bad. All I want is someone to understand it and show love, not make them feel bad.

I feel like a total piece of shit for that. She told me that she does not want to hide things from her, but she does not want me to feel like that also. How am I supposed to do that?

I still have the feeling that my behavior is controlling and it is certain that it makes people around me feel bad. This is the reason I have been wearing a fake smile for almost all of my life. I have a feeling that it was wrong me opening up to her initially but I just needed to have someone by my side that understands and she seemed to understand. Maybe I was wrong.

Also, I want to chime in on something else that's really important. I think you made a mistake by stopping your medicine. You stopped your medicine just because you overheard her say it makes you a zombie. Have you ever considered that maybe you misunderstood her? Or have you considered that when people are upset they say things they don't really mean. She might have been just completely talking out of her ass.

I obviously don't know this girl, but I have a gut feeling that you both really care about each other. I think if she found out you stopped taking your medicine because of her, that it would hurt her heart. I think you should tell her. I don't think she would want you to stop taking your medicine.

If you think your medicine is making you a zombie, you should talk to your doctor. But if you feel good on them, you shouldn't stop taking them because of what you think she said, because there's a lot of room for misunderstanding there. Even if she did say and mean that, you still shouldn't stop taking your medicine if you believe taking it is good for you and it helps. You can love too much. You can love so much it blinds you. You must put yourself first, because your welfare is more important than what someone says behind your back.

I feel that you are a man with a lot of love and passion left. That's coming from a man that had that kind of love and passion, and grew cold. You can beat this mental problem, it's solvable. You can keep love burning in your heart. I think some people should kill themselves. I think a lot of people should. I can feel you through your posts, and I don't feel like you are that kind of person. I think you've just hit a temporary low that you can bounce back from.

As far as your mental problem, I have the same one. I hear voices and feel like an entity is watching me always. I realized that it's just me. Even though it FEELS like it's a seperate entity that watches me, and a seperate entity that speaks to me through voices, I have moments of clarity where I realize it's just me. The feeling you have of being watched is simply your conciousness being aware of itself - the feeling of it being a seperate entity is a kind of illusion, it happens that way because the mind acts like a mirror mirroring it's own reflection. It's just you, buddy. Some people call it God.

As far as thinking this entity has manisfested the people you know and become them, it's kind of the same problem. You're confused about your concious awareness, thinking your own conciousness is seperate from itself, and you're projecting this onto other people. When you realize that this entity is yourself, including your deep sub concious and unconcious mind, you can realize that when you're interacting with another person, you're interacting with a conciousness seperate from your own. So when you interact with another concious human, you have your own one conciousness, which feels like it's two (your's, and "the entity", which is actually just yourself, it just feels seperate) interacting with another conciousness that ACTUALLY IS seperate. Which can cause a fuck ton of weird feelings, ideas, and misunderstanding if you don't realize what's going on.

I've grappled with this a lot. I had and still have a hard time realizing the seperateness of myself and other people, and the oneness of myself. It's extremely confusing, especially after you've had a few bad acid trips. I hope I made sense.

Well the meds actually made me feel bad. I got a lot of weight due to them also. I have already talked to the doctor about it and well I have tried numerous different medications. I have a huge of stockpile of different meds for that reason too. Doctors may or may not care about you, but they certainly care about the money. I am just tired of trying different meds every time with different side effects each time.

Olanzapine, Quetapine and makes me sleepy af, Aripiprazole makes my legs shake and resstless, Citalopram and Risperidone dont work either for other reasons, Paroxetine is also shit. Xanax and other benzos make me like zombie.

As far as my mental problem. Well I never thought of that because I feel that whatever I feel is watching me is not like just watching me. I feel its an evil presence and whenever I had interractions with it like hallucinations via sleep paralysis, they were always scary af.

So this is why I can't feel that this entity is not myself. I guess it's different for other people.

 

[Iloveyouall]

She told me that she does not want to hide things from her, but she does not want me to feel like that also.

She mostly feel bad because she cares about you and prolly wish to be able to help you, she just feels powerless. I understand that you don't want to make her feel bad but she wants to know what you feel. She feels bad because she loves you. That's what I see from what you're telling me.

 

[shevawc]

She mostly feel bad because she cares about you and prolly wish to be able to help you, she just feels powerless. I understand that you don't want to make her feel bad but she wants to know what you feel. She feels bad because she loves you. That's what I see from what you're telling me.

I agree with you. Problem is that when we make people feel bad they tend to alienate from you. Because in the end it is about how you make one feel. If you make one feel bad then he/she feels bad and this is not a good thing. From my experience people tend to stick when you make them feel happy.

On the other hand, although I feel that she feels bad because she loves me, I don't get that vibe. I don't get the vibe "I understand you and I'm here for you". I just get the vibe "You made me feel bad today again for the thousandth time". You know what I mean. I don't know if I am expressing it correctly my mind is not very clear now.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I agree with you. Problem is that when we make people feel bad they tend to alienate from you. Because in the end it is about how you make one feel. If you make one feel bad then he/she feels bad and this is not a good thing. From my experience people tend to stick when you make them feel happy.

On the other hand, although I feel that she feels bad because she loves me, I don't get that vibe. I don't get the vibe "I understand you and I'm here for you". I just get the vibe "You made me feel bad today again for the thousandth time". You know what I mean. I don't know if I am expressing it correctly my mind is not very clear now.

I understand don't worry. Have you told her that ? That you're scared to make her feel bad, that you want her happy.

 

[shevawc]

I understand don't worry. Have you told her that ? That you're scared to make her feel bad, that you want her happy.

Yes of course I have. I always do regardless of my problems .

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yes of course I have. I always do regardless of my problems

I mean in regard of your problems this time.

 

[shevawc]

I mean in regard of your problems this time.

Yes I actually told her that I was ambivalent between telling her or not because I did not want to make her feel bad this time and she told me "Well now you made me feel bad so it doesn't matter".

This is why I get the vibe "You made me feel bad today again for the thousandth time" and not the ""I understand you and I'm here for you". But she also told me that she would like to know what's in my mind and that she would like me not to feel like this or her beeing sad about it. This is very conflicting though. I can't make her feel not sad without hiding these problems.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yes I actually told her that I was ambivalent between telling her or not because I did not want to make her feel bad this time and she told me "Well now you made me feel bad so it doesn't matter".

This is why I get the vibe "You made me feel bad today again for the thousandth time" and not the ""I understand you and I'm here for you". But she also told me that she would like to know what's in my mind and that she would like me not to feel like this or her beeing sad about it. This is very conflicting though. I can't make her feel not sad without hiding these problems.

She wants to know. It won't work if you try to hide and there is a possibility that it'll work if you open up. I understand it's a hard decision to make and that it's very conflicting but there is actually no much choices in the end, considering the situation. Maybe she is just all "I understand you and I'm here for you" type, even if you personally don't get it, it doesn't matter for her.

 

[Overnoutofhere]

Meds seem to mess with people badly

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Im so sorry to hear about the gf. I am dating someone who has pulled away from me & I want to expidite my suicide as a result of it- rejection & abandonment can crush many people beyond repair- especially when they suffer with other issues..... I know how you feel it is utter agony and torture... Im so sorry you have to suffer this way... I hope that you find a suitable path to relief that suits you.