Venting Hell? What hell? We are in it.

[LostGirl]

This must be the worst place in the universe being stuck in limbo. Some of us, like me lack a reliable method. There are others who feel guilty and/or are held back by survival instinct. Whatever the reasons that we are here, the pain is just unbearable. It's unrelenting and gut wrenching. Yes, this is HELL. I am sure of it and I can't take another second of it. Please grant all of us here peace in death.

Sorry for the ranting, I am just so frustrated and exhausted.

 

[OkTotti]

hi, have you thought about other methods than N.? You seem intent on CTB with N only. Have you looked into other methods? Like jumping? I assume since your in Japan, there are tall building in the major cities.

 

[LostGirl]

hi, have you thought about other methods than N.? You seem intent on CTB with N only. Have you looked into other methods? Like jumping? I assume since your in Japan, there are tall building in the major cities.

Yes, I have failed with hanging twice and CO once. I have "tried" jumping but would invariably chicken out when I got near to the ledge. I know I can never do jumping, fear aside, I also don't want to traumatize kids and passer-by.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

You know your life
and your feelings better than I do, but I bet you can make it through this pain to the other side of it. You haven't hurt yourself with a failed suicide attempt and your brain still works. Remember that. Aren't there people who love you? If there are they will help you. Suicide may not be a real possibility for you. If that's the case then you have to figure out how to live.

 

[OkTotti]

Yes, I have failed with hanging twice and CO once. I have "tried" jumping but would invariably chicken out when I got near to the ledge. I know I can never do jumping, fear aside, I also don't want to traumatize kids and passer-by.

Ok, i don't think you should put all your hopes in getting N. and think it is the answer to all your problems. There are quite a few people who have obtained N., to only hold onto it and not drink it. They get a change of hearts when they finally have N. in their hands.

 

[Sinbad]

Yes, I have failed with hanging twice and CO once. I have "tried" jumping but would invariably chicken out when I got near to the ledge. I know I can never do jumping, fear aside, I also don't want to traumatize kids and passer-by.

What about drowning like my favorite Japanese author Osamu Dazei. Tho it's not a pleasant way to go.

Considering your situation, I would go with SN.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

But you can also remember Van Hale n's song, "Jump."

 

[OkTotti]

Or how about the Charcoal method? It seems to be very popular method to CTB in asia

 

[Djinn]

Yes, I have failed with hanging twice and CO once. I have "tried" jumping but would invariably chicken out when I got near to the ledge. I know I can never do jumping, fear aside, I also don't want to traumatize kids and passer-by.

Can you PM me about your failure with CO? Or maybe talk about it here? Was it charcoal burning?

 

[LostGirl]

I understand why you guys may think that suicide may not be the best option for me given my relatively young age. It's natural to think that I am just going through a rut and if I persevere, I can get over it. The truth is I have developed severe bipolar after a car crash when I was 12. I have been to many therapists and tried everything, yoga, meditation, working out, special diets, you name it. Nothing helps and my depression continues to get worse. I can hardly sleep these days and feel numb to everything. The only thing i haven't tried is ECT but I am not about to let some shrink fry my brain.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

I meant that if you can't suicide you'll have to live. I didn't mean to stop you from trying to ctb. But if you can't then you have to live and maybe you can find reasons for living. Your own reasons, not other people's.

 

[LostGirl]

Can you PM me about your failure with CO? Or maybe talk about it here? Was it charcoal burning?

Yes, I attempted with CO by burning charcoal and bringing the smoldering briquettes into my car. I didn't have a meter so I don't know the concentration of CO. I got inside the car after letting the CO build up for 30 mins. I also took some benzos and alcohol to knock me out. I woke up after 4-5 hours with a splitting headache and felt extremely unwell for a few days. I don't know what went wrong, my guess is I didn't seal the car properly and/or there were insufficient briquettes.

 

[Djinn]

Yes, I attempted with CO by burning charcoal and bringing the smoldering briquettes into my car. I didn't have a meter so I don't know the concentration of CO. I got inside the car after letting the CO build up for 30 mins. I also took some benzos and alcohol to knock me out. I woke up after 4-5 hours with a splitting headache and felt extremely unwell for a few days. I don't know what went wrong, my guess is I didn't seal the car properly and/or there were insufficient briquettes.

Shit!! My worst nightmare

 

[LostGirl]

I meant that if you can't suicide you'll have to live. I didn't mean to stop you from trying to ctb. But if you can't then you have to live and maybe you can find reasons for living. Your own reasons, not other people's.

I understand what you mean, it's not that I can't suicide, it's more like I lack a reliable method which I hope to source asap. As such, until I completely ran out of options to kms, I would then have to try to live which is the most painful thing in the world to me. For now at least, I am hopeful that I can pin down my method.

 

[Djinn]

I understand what you mean, it's not that I can't suicide, it's more like I lack a reliable method which I hope to source asap. As such, until I completely ran out of options to kms, I would then have to try to live which is the most painful thing in the world to me. For now at least, I am hopeful that I can pin down my method.

You are so strong, damn. Wishing you more strength. I'm scared off methods just reading of failure, you'll find peace with that mentality im sure.

 

[LostGirl]

You are so strong, damn. Wishing you more strength.

Thank you but I feel it'd be stronger to try to live for another 50-60 years with a broken brain than to drink some bitter liquid.

 

[Djinn]

Thank you but I feel it'd be stronger to try to live for another 50-60 years with a broken brain than to drink some bitter liquid.

Gosh... I cant even deny that. That's not to say that this is cowardly though, we all have our limits. We are but fragile humans. Your broken brain might be 100x worse than what I feel, or anyone. Equally it may not be, because our experience is relative and subjective... I feel like we're all individually justified. Again, idk... that reply got me big time actually. I agree deep down but life is not so easy :(

 

[LostGirl]

Gosh... I cant even deny that. That's not to say that this is cowardly though, we all have our limits. We are but fragile humans. Your broken brain might be 100x worse than what I feel, or anyone. Equally it may not be, because our experience is relative and subjective... I feel like we're all individually justified. Again, idk... that reply got me big time actually. I agree deep down but life is not so easy :(

This is very well put. Only we know our own personal hells and how much we can take.

 

[OkTotti]

If only you joined SS last month LostGirl, or if TokyoJoe had waited a couple of weeks. He seemed the ideal partner for you and from what i've heard he was legitimate kind soul. I'm sure you've read his old posts as he was looking for a partner

 

[LostGirl]

If only you joined SS last month LostGirl, or if TokyoJoe had waited a couple of weeks. He seemed the ideal partner for you and from what i've heard he was legitimate kind soul. I'm sure you've read his old posts as he was looking for a partner

Yes I have read his posts and hope that he is at peace now. I still wonder how he could get dolethal in Japan. In line with other East Asian countries, we have very strict drug laws here.

 

[longingforrelease]

If only you joined SS last month LostGirl, or if TokyoJoe had waited a couple of weeks. He seemed the ideal partner for you and from what i've heard he was legitimate kind soul. I'm sure you've read his old posts as he was looking for a partner

Yes indeed, TokyoJoe seemed like a very kind soul...

 

[hunter_lewis]

I understand why you guys may think that suicide may not be the best option for me given my relatively young age. It's natural to think that I am just going through a rut and if I persevere, I can get over it. The truth is I have developed severe bipolar after a car crash when I was 12. I have been to many therapists and tried everything, yoga, meditation, working out, special diets, you name it. Nothing helps and my depression continues to get worse. I can hardly sleep these days and feel numb to everything. The only thing i haven't tried is ECT but I am not about to let some shrink fry my brain.

I would prefer being bipolar because I have severe depression and constant chronic pain that no doctor can treat me for (the pain is in my feet and heel, it is a burning, but the doctors say something like: Use this special foot bandage to support your foot) which does literally nothing for me. I actually need surgery but no one wants to operate on me.
However, if you feel that your condition is bad enough, and you have tried everything, then you should be able to decide if you want to die and how to do it.
Will your family have to pay some kind of money if you die? Or is that only if you jump in front of a train?
I went to Japan last year, before I was so ill and it was an amazing experience-I really loved it because it was so fascinating that so many things are completely different.

 

[Kingkelly]

Yes I have read his posts and hope that he is at peace now. I still wonder how he could get dolethal in Japan. In line with other East Asian countries, we have very strict drug laws here.

Wish you the best in your journey. It is risky getting any drug anywhere really..your not alone in this. I ordered phenazepam which in my country is a legal substance for research purposes. That was going to be my next attempt mixing with some other stuff but since being on here I've realized most methods esp pills fail and it is depressing I dont wanna jump either but I'm tired of crying all day never leaving my bed and wanting to die whenever I do. It is hell. <3

 

[LostGirl]

I would prefer being bipolar because I have severe depression and constant chronic pain that no doctor can treat me for (the pain is in my feet and heel, it is a burning, but the doctors say something like: Use this special foot bandage to support your foot) which does literally nothing for me. I actually need surgery but no one wants to operate on me.
However, if you feel that your condition is bad enough, and you have tried everything, then you should be able to decide if you want to die and how to do it.
Will your family have to pay some kind of money if you die? Or is that only if you jump in front of a train?
I went to Japan last year, before I was so ill and it was an amazing experience-I really loved it because it was so fascinating that so many things are completely different.

I am sorry about your depression and chronic pain. My late grandmother had chronic pain and she was admitted to palliative care in her final months. I saw first hand the suffering she was going through, it was unbearable to watch. She wanted to leave so badly that she attempted VSED, it has scarred me mentally seeing her go out like that.... I can't even pretend to understand her pain.

I hope you find a way out of your situation but I understand words are cheap and I am sorry I couldn't offer anything worthwhile and comforting.

The costs associated with my death, cremation, funeral etc will be paid out of my estate and all my affairs are in order. I want to cause as little trouble to my family as possible, that's the least I could do as at the end of the day, I let them down and cause them immeasurable pain. I would miss them dearly but I know I couldn't go any further and hope that they can understand my decision.

 

[LostGirl]

Wish you the best in your journey. It is risky getting any drug anywhere really..your not alone in this. I ordered phenazepam which in my country is a legal substance for research purposes. That was going to be my next attempt mixing with some other stuff but since being on here I've realized most methods esp pills fail and it is depressing I dont wanna jump either but I'm tired of crying all day never leaving my bed and wanting to die whenever I do. It is hell. <3

Thank you for your well wishes. I hope you manage to find a method which could bring you peace and end your sufferings.

 

[EndofMyRope]

This must be the worst place in the universe being stuck in limbo. Some of us, like me lack a reliable method. There are others who feel guilty and/or are held back by survival instinct. Whatever the reasons that we are here, the pain is just unbearable. It's unrelenting and gut wrenching. Yes, this is HELL. I am sure of it and I can't take another second of it. Please grant all of us here peace in death.

Sorry for the ranting, I am just so frustrated and exhausted.

I've always felt like my existence in the here and now was me doing my time in hell and death would be when I could go to "heaven". Not in the literal sense of heaven but that any release from this living hell would be "heaven" to me.

 

[LostGirl]

I've always felt like my existence in the here and now was me doing my time in hell and death would be when I could go to "heaven". Not in the literal sense of heaven but that any release from this living hell would be "heaven" to me.

I always think that the greater the suffering, the more rewarding the peace associated with death will be.

 

[EndofMyRope]

I always think that the greater the suffering, the more rewarding the peace associated with death will be.

If that's the case, I hope to God that you're right. :)

 

[Jodes]

This must be the worst place in the universe being stuck in limbo. Some of us, like me lack a reliable method. There are others who feel guilty and/or are held back by survival instinct. Whatever the reasons that we are here, the pain is just unbearable. It's unrelenting and gut wrenching. Yes, this is HELL. I am sure of it and I can't take another second of it. Please grant all of us here peace in death.

Sorry for the ranting, I am just so frustrated and exhausted.

I grant you guilt-free peace. Do what you must to ease your pain

 

[Kingkelly]

Thank you for your well wishes. I hope you manage to find a method which could bring you peace and end your sufferings.

Thank you.