justcallmeJ

justcallmeJ

<3
Nov 9, 2023
408
Hello everyone,

For those who don't know, heavy is a user who has been here for over two years, and during which she has been profoundly active and highly supportive of both community and individuals who reside here. In those two years, she spent her time in this community giving nothing but love and kindness. Her messages were always sympathetic, and she took the time to uniquely reach out as well as check up on others every so often. To say she will be missed is an understatement to the profound impact she had on those around her. She fought long and hard to stay alive, and after years of failure from the mental health industry, including a variety of medication and months of treatment resistant therapy, she ultimately decided her fate.

So as some of you may know, a long time user under the name of heavyeyes recently just ctb'd last Tuesday. Her wish was to have her experiences documented, so as to allow others to see how SN affected her to help address the many concerns people may have regarding SN. For obvious reasons, she is unable to post these documentations, and so she made a request to me to both virtually be present through discord chat during the process. Originally, I wanted to have this posted 3 days following, however I did not expect how taxing this was going to be on me, and so it took longer than desired for me to build up the courage to properly sit down and complete this. I hope that fulfilling Heavy's final wish will help bring clarity and understanding to those seeking to learn from her experience.
Quickly, before I start I want to make one thing apparent. Me, the person writing this, is not the person posting this. justcallmeJ is a friend of both heavy and mine, and she agreed to post this as to allow me increased privacy and protection, since I had concerns posting it on my account for career reasons. That said, if anyone has any specific requests regarding the documentation process that isn't abundantly clear, I'll communicate either through her or another friend.
As stated, for her chosen method, SN was used. For this, she used the PPH guide on SN(page 110) as a reference. While I will not be linking this guide directly, it can be found online through this forum.
Below is her direct plan given to me.
9:00am - Begin 8 hour food fast (last meal 30 minutes prior), minimal water intake 3:00pm - Begin water fast
4:40pm - Take 600mg ibuprofen
5:00pm - Take 30mg domperidone Wait 40 minutes, mix 3 drinks in the meantime - 25gm of SN in 50ml of water each
5:40pm - Ingest first drink will ingest second drink in case of vomiting. Third drink probably won't be necessary but I'll keep it as back up just in case
Furthermore, during this we had an extensive agreement on whether or not I call the police in her area. If at any time she asked, I would call.
Heavy was a 26 year old, hispanic cis female, who weighed approximately 112 pounds, and was 5 feet and 1 inch tall. Her average resting heart rate was around 70, and she had no notable health issues.

SN was from IC and was purchased in 2022.
This segment will be a lot briefer than desired, as it turns out it's incredibly difficult to both communicate and CTB. That said, I'll cover each of her symptoms as best as I can and give the timeframe of each. Moreover, if desired, I'll also be leaving an entire time stamped transcript of her and my conversations, blurring IRL names for obvious reasons.

Salty Taste: As expected, SN is an inorganic salt, and her first words to me were literally "Eww. Salty."

"Burning" Throat: Following this, she experienced a mild discomfort within her throat, which over the time of around 15 minutes, became more noticeable.

"Heartbeat in throat": Be it from nerves or an actual symptom, this was described immediately after ingesting.

Dizziness: Around 5 minutes in, she began to feel noticeably dizzy and needed to lay down.

Emesis(Vomiting): At 7 minutes in she gagged into the trash once before vomiting. This would occur a second time at 9 minutes in.

Breathing Issues: She began having breathing issues at 9 minutes in, which only furthered previous dizziness.

Sweatiness: She became sweaty at around 9 minutes.

Ringing Ears: Her ears began ringing at 10 minutes. It's also possible that her eyes also began ringing.

Shaky hands: Noted at 11 minutes in, her hands were shaky, however this lightly occurred beforehand.

Passing out: At 12 minutes in was her last message, after which she passed out, and did not wake again.
The symptoms she experienced align with the expected physiological effects of the SN method, which leads to methemoglobinemia, a condition where hemoglobin is converted to methemoglobin, impairing oxygen transport. The salty taste and burning throat are consistent with the substance's chemical properties as an inorganic salt. The dizziness, sweatiness, and ringing in the ears are indicative of early hypoxia, as oxygen deprivation begins to affect the nervous and circulatory systems. Her vomiting was likely a natural defensive response to the chemical, despite the anti-emetic she took. This is well known amongst people who have attempted SN, which is why multiple drinks are included in case of emergency. The breathing difficulties and shaky hands further reflect the progression of hypoxia, as the body struggles to compensate for oxygen loss. Finally, her passing out at 12 minutes suggests a culmination of oxygen deprivation leading to unconsciousness, in line with SN's documented effects.

One point of uncertainty and concern for me is whether she fully ingested the second drink or became unconscious before finishing it. If she did ingest the second drink, it likely contributed to the success of her CTB. However, even if she didn't, her slightly more rapid onset of symptoms compared to PPH documentation could be attributed to her height and weight, which were both below the average adult baseline. This would result in the dosage being disproportionate for her body, leading to faster absorption and effect. This may also explain why the method was successful despite two instances of vomiting.

Ultimately, I must make clear that this is simply a documented experience, not a guide. While metrics and symptoms are given, these are not foolproof instructions on success. Each person for obvious reasons will have different experiences, and I can't do anything but speculate. Still, it's worth noting her experiences aligned closely to the PPH's written symptoms.
Below is a transcript of the entire conversation from start to finish. I will start slightly before, and end slightly after to allow for context reasons. Do note that given how we communicated, and how we liked to use the reply feature on discord, things are "train of thought" cluttered, jumbled and messy. I will take some very minor creative liberties to patch these if possible, however I'm going to leave it mostly messy and include the baby talk. Furthermore, given our discords have our names and my timezone, I will simply be writing it out, using Heavy for her, and Me for well… me. However, if for whatever reason you wanted to see the messages directly for necessary reasons, reach out to justcallmeJ or dot, as they are the only two who are aware of my identity. Anyways, SN ingestion begins at 59 minutes in if someone wants to skip.
(0 min)Heavy: Yeah lmao
(0 min)Heavy: Everything is ready
(0 min)Me: Yayy
(0 min)Me: How is ur headspace
(0 min)Me: More good than bad or bad than good
(0 min)Heavy: I took the ibuprofen earlier
(0 min)Me: Ye I figured
(0 min)Heavy: I'm gonna take the domperidone in a bit
(0 min)Heavy: I'm okay I'm good just nervous
(1 min)Me: Domepridone in 10
(1 min)Me: Ya
(1 min)Me: That's understandable
(1 min)Me: Deep breaths
(2 min)Me: Calm urself as best as you can
(2 min)Me: Squeeze your own hand, deep breaths, etc
(2 min)Me: Be calm
(2 min)Me: Relaxed
(4 min)Heavy: Trying
(4 min)Me: I know
(4 min)Me: Nothing this complex will ever be 100%
(5 min)Me: Do what you can
(5 min)Me: But if u have normal ritual tactics to help that aren't too intensive go ahead do them
(7 min)Me: There is some science behind most rituals. Rocking back and triggers ur vestibular system which can calm u. Squeezing hand can trigger your parasympathetic nervous systems which calms u
(8 min)Me: It's gonna be okay, it will work, and worse comes to worse we will handle it
(10 min)Heavy: Just took domperidone
(10 min)Me: Down the hatch
(10 min)Me: So far so good? Feeling as good as possible
(13 min)Heavy: As good as possible yes
(13 min)Heavy: But still nervous
(13 min)Heavy: A little shaky
(13 min)Me: I know
(13 min)Me: Stimulate other parts of ur body
(13 min)Me: Not
(13 min)Me: Not that way
(14 min)Me: In the sense of like touching skin
(14 min)Me: Touching ears
(14 min)Me: Etc
(14 min)Me: It's one of the like 5 reasons cutting works
(15 min)Me: Except u don't need to cut for this
(15 min)Me: Ur brain is smart but has trouble processing too many things at the same time to the same level
(15 min)Me: So it calms u a bit when ur brain devotes its energy to different regions
(16 min)Heavy: Ok
(16 min)Heavy: Gotcha
(16 min)Me: Ya it's gonna be okay
(16 min)Heavy: I'm a little calmer
(16 min)Me: I'm here too
(17 min)Me: When you down the drink wait 5 minutes then lay down
(19 min)Me: And lay down on back if not too uncomfy
(19 min)Heavy: Okie
(19 min)Heavy: I gotta mix the drinks
(19 min)Me: Gotcha, take ur time am here if needed
(39 min)Heavy: Done
(39 min)Heavy: Just cleaning up
(41 min)Me: Okay take in 3
(41 min)Me: U didn't have to clean up lmao
(41 min)Me: But I guess better safe than sorry and it's nice
(42 min)Heavy: No I made a mess
(42 min)Heavy: Lmao
(42 min)Heavy I'm still cleaning
(43 min)Me: xD okay take time just be a bit quick
(43 min)Me: I wouldn't clean while digesting the sn so drink after
(46 min)Heavy: Almost done
(46 min)Heavy: Sorry
(46 min)Me: Ur okay
(55 min)Heavy: Okay done
(55 min)Me: Okie
(55 min)Me: Are you certain u go thru
(55 min)Heavy: Yeah I think so
(55 min)Heavy: I'm good
(55 min)Me: Okays
(56 min)Heavy: Just had to rush because I was cleaning lol
(56 min)Heavy: So my heart rate is up
(56 min)Me: Hehe it's okay
(56 min)Me: That's fine
(56 min)Me: Take a second to sit
(56 min)Me: Calm down
(56 min)Me: No need more than a minute
(56 min)Me: And think really hard and be sure
(56 min)Me: Then make ur decision
(57 min)Her: Ok
(58 min)Me: I'm with you til the end regardless okie
(59 min)Heavy: I'm gonna take the first drink now
(59 min)Me: Understood
(59 min)Heavy: Ewww
(59 min)Heavy: Salty
(59 min)Me: Salty
(59 min)Heavy: Yuck
(59 min)Me: Did u get it down lmao
(60 min)Heavy: Yes lmao
(60 min)Heavy: Took a sip of water after
(60 min)Me: That's good and fine
(60 min)Me: Let it sit 5 minutes
(60 min)Me: Sit up
(60 min)Me: Then u can lay down
(60 min)Heavy: Okie
(61 min)Heavy: I set a timer
(61 min)Me: Hehe it doesn't need to be exact
(61 min)Me: It's more a principle of digestion
(61 min)Me: But do as u wish
(61 min)Me: Then lay on back or left side
(61 min)Heavy: I took another sip of water
(61 min)Me: Ya that's okay
(61 min)Heavy: MY throat kinda burns
(61 min)Me: Aww
(61 min)Me: Is it painful burn or
(61 min)Me: Just uncomfortable
(62 min)Heavy: Nah just uncomfortable
(62 min)Heavy: I can feel my heart in my throat
(62 min)Me: Okay
(62 min)Heavy: Is that weird or
(62 min)Me: No shouldn't be
(62 min)Me: That's just nerves
(62 min)Heavy: Okie
(63 min)Heavy: How are you holding up btw
(63 min)Me: I'm gonna be fine
(63 min)Me: Ur very kind asking me
(63 min)Me: I'm processing this at the same time
(63 min)Me: I was thinking
(64 min)Me: That as far as ways go
(64 min)Me: This is a good and more humane way
(64 min)Heavy: I agree
(64 min)Me: Parents might not even know until next morning
(64 min)Heavy: Oof I'm dizzy
(64 min)Me: Also I did brief(really brief) search and it said could also be the SNs effect taking place cuz ur blood not getting oxygen
(65 min)Heavy: Need to lay down
(65 min)Me: Ya
(65 min)Me: Remember
(65 min)Me: Left or back
(65 min)Me: Right side and gravity working against the liquid
(65 min)Heavy: Kinda nauseous
(65 min)Me: Understood
(65 min)Me: But
(65 min)Me: Hold on out for as much as u can
(66 min)Me: Lay in left side
(66 min)Me: On
(66 min)Heavy: Gagged into trash
(66 min)Me: Hehe
(66 min)Me: Okay this might be a bit angy
(66 min)Me: It's okay
(66 min)Me: It's still in
(66 min)Heavy: Threw up
(67 min)Me: Awww
(67 min)Me: Are u gonna attempt 2?
(67 min)Me: It's expected
(67 min)Me: Body takes time
(67 min)Heavy: Yes
(67 min)Me: Okays
(67 min)Me: Feel free to sip water first
(67 min)Me: Before taking
(67 min)Me: To clean out mouth etc
(68 min)Heavy: Can't breath well
(68 min)Heavy: Threw up again
(68 min)Heavy: Dizzy
(68 min)Me: Aww
(68 min)Me: Are you okayys
(68 min)Heavy: Have drink second yet
(68 min)Heavy: Sweaty
(69 min)Heavy: Still here
(69 min)Me: I know
(69 min)Heavy: Eyes ringing
(69 min)Heavy: Ears
(69 min)Me: Breath as much as u can
(69 min)Me: Move slow
(69 min)Me: Be prepared
(69 min)Heavy: Okie
(69 min)Me: I'm here, it be okay
(69 min)Heavy: Can't hear well now
(70 min)Heavy: Just burped lol
(70 min)Me: Low oxygen levels ya
(70 min)Heavy: I'm okay laying down
(70 min)Me: Hehe burpyy
(70 min)Me: Okay
(70 min)Me: Left side or back
(70 min)Heavy: I'm gonna try to drink the second in a moment
(70 min)Me: Understood
(71 min)Heavy: Just resting for a moment
(70 min)Me: I know
(70 min)Heavy: I'm more calm now
(70 min)Me: Ya
(70 min)Me: Ur body did what ur body is suppose to
(70 min)Me: But it's also beatable
(70 min)Heavy: Yeah true
(71 min)Heavy: My hand are very shaky
(71 min)Heavy: Oh my days
(71 min)Heavy: Throat burning
(71 min)Heavy: Oh okay
(71 min)Me: U drank the second
(71 min)Me: ?
(71 min)Heavy: Not yet
(71 min)Me: Okay
(71 min)Me: Again, remember at anytime we can stop
(73 min)Me: Letting u know now that this might be the last one u drink
(73 min)Heavy: I'm here (These are her last words :( sadness)
(73 min)Me: Not for death reasons but it will speed up the effects
(74 min)Me: Meaning u might pass out
(74 min)Me: U still die maybe idk if u vomit but in that case I cannot helps
(74 min)Me: Take ur time
(74 min)Me: Ground urself as best u can
(74 min)Me: U are strong
(74 min)Me: And u have cause
(74 min)Me: U got this
(75 min)Me: If ur worried about vomiting again wait another 5
(75 min)Me: Or feel like ur about to vomit
(75 min)Me: Ur gonna worry regardless
(80 min)Me: Are you good
(80 min)Me: I wait
(80 min)Me: Will give u 15
(80 min)Me: I'm here with u
(80 min)Me: Regardless
 
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Holu

Holu

Hypomania go brrr
Apr 5, 2023
673
You will be missed dearly heavy <3 goodbye and goodnights my fellow hypomanic
 
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P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,362
I hope you found peace. Goodbye! 🫂♥️ 🫂

🕯️
 
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J

j1nxxb0yjj4ke

Member
Jun 26, 2023
61
Wish that would've been me..
Hope she found her peace <3


Couldn't stand the taste of SN.

It's not as salty.
ITS DISGUSTINGLY CHEMICALLY
 
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C

cloudyskye

Member
Nov 11, 2024
87
I'm so sorry to all who knew her here and irl. I hope she found peace in her decision and is at rest now.
 
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Noct

Noct

L'appel du vide
Sep 1, 2024
37
Thank you to both you and the writer for posting Heavy's story.

May she have found peace and kindness in CTBing that life never gave 🫂
 
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R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,760
May she rest in ethernal peace. Thank you both of you, I hope you are holding on alright.
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Sep 17, 2022
2,586
Hpe pece v thank all suprt all yr all time
 
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TheHolySword

TheHolySword

empty heart
Nov 22, 2024
108
Thank you for sharing this. I hope she has found her peace now ❤️
 
dinosavr

dinosavr

and if i’m turning blue, please, don’t save me 🌛
Dec 14, 2023
696
I'm glad you were there for her in her last moments, it must have been really important for her. I hope she rests in peace :(
 
Holu

Holu

Hypomania go brrr
Apr 5, 2023
673
what brand SN? initials ? i need to kill myself and i want something that will work
Would have to ask the OP but 99% sure she got it from IC. She had previously received a welfare check during the IC raids. That said given its IC no chance of getting anymore sadly, and even if u could I wouldn't trust them anymore
 
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_AllCatsAreGrey_

_AllCatsAreGrey_

(they/he)
Mar 4, 2024
561
Thank you J for posting. I cannot imagine the weight it carries for the author. I'm glad you took the time you needed. I've been thinking of her.
 
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