Venting Heartbreak and Recovery Thereafter

[MoonBat]

As of today, my girlfriend of three years has broke up with me. Just yesterday, we were intimate, flirting, and talking about the future. She went to sleep and we stopped texting, there was a 15 hour period of no talking and then when she came back, she tells me that I am not well enough to have a genuine relationship. I haven't seen her in person in about a week. I'm not sure what I'm more shocked about— breaking up over text or the complete 180 in emotions in less than 24 hours.

I'm heartbroken, I saw myself growing old with her, taking care of her, and improving myself to better support her through her disabilities. Part of my reason for recovery was to ensure we would have a better life together, but now I am largely feeling hopeless.

Does anyone else have any experience of heartbreak during recovery? I don't think I'm giving up yet, but Christ, it's hard enough to be a suicidal gay woman without the heartbreak, I need to figure out a new plan going forward. I was planning on starting therapy soon, particularly focusing on my melancholy, career, and relationship— but I guess one of those aspects is gone now.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm really sorry Literally no one deserves to be told they aren't 'well enough' for love—mental health struggles don't make anyone unworthy of a relationship.

I was in a relationship with this guy for a couple of years, and I seriously thought he was my soulmate or something. I'll never forget us sitting on his parents' porch and him saying he was going to marry me one day…then him literally breaking up with me the following week.

What I can tell you is that still managed to find love after this relationship, which I didn't think was possible.

One thing that stood out to me is that you were already planning to start therapy, and I think that's one of the best things you can do for yourself right now. Not just for the breakup, but for you. Because you deserve healing, love, and support—not just from a partner, but from yourself too. Therapy might be a good space for you to rebuild, find clarity, and remind yourself that your worth is not defined by someone else's choices.

I know it feels like everything just shattered, but in time, those broken pieces will come together again, maybe even into something stronger than before.

Just be gentle with yourself, and don't rush the process. Sending you all the strength and support I can <3

 

[missedmybus]

That's very hard to hear, MoonBat. The thing is, if this person switched up on you like that in such a short span of time, maybe they were not the right one for you anyway?

Maybe it's for the best that they showed their true colours now, rather than in the future when you have done more work on yourself.

Look at it as a way to start with a blank slate maybe? It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Maybe it is for the best?

This might come across harsh and cold. But if you were to improve yourself, and had a setback and it happened then, maybe it would have hit even harder?

Just keep on improving yourself, and I am sure you will find someone that is worth you.

 

[devils~advocate]

...... if this person switched up on you like that in such a short span of time, maybe they were not the right one for you anyway?

Maybe it's for the best that they showed their true colours now, rather than in the future when you have done more work on yourself.

Just keep on improving yourself, and I am sure you will find someone that is worth you.

I agree. I tend to think she might have confided with someone about your relationship and they were convinced to do this.
There is a thing called 'Toxic Friends'....in which, they are toxic to the relationship.
Ive gone thru this....it was a marriage ending....after being together for almost 7 years. Broke me into pieces....to the point I was never the same.
But you don't have to be this way. I get the impression you are young.....I was 32 when this happened....so its different.
One way that helped me was that I turned some of the unhappiness into anger. I thought about all the times that my spouse did horrible things to me & our relationship.....that helped me see the other side of the reality than just the happier moments.

I know it hard...but others are right, why be with someone if they just will give up on you because you might be depressed or whatever.
Thats not the definition of a loving relationship. A loving one would involve someone being there to help you, support you...be there when you needed someone.


Focus on having fun....getting back with friends to do things with.....work at your career.....be with your family more...etc etc
Make your life more fulfilling and happier. You can do this.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Hi everyone. This is the only general thread I've found about heartbreak, but I'm not really in a recovery mindset yet. Is it ok if I post here too? Last thing I'd want is to ruin the mood or make it harder for folks who are actually trying to recover.

 

[MoonBat]

Hi everyone. This is the only general thread I've found about heartbreak, but I'm not really in a recovery mindset yet. Is it ok if I post here too? Last thing I'd want is to ruin the mood or make it harder for folks who are actually trying to recover.

Please do! But keep in mind, I am trying to get back on track with a recovery mindset. I'm hoping that you can feel this way soon and hopefully some of the advice here will get you that way as well

That's very hard to hear, MoonBat. The thing is, if this person switched up on you like that in such a short span of time, maybe they were not the right one for you anyway?

Maybe it's for the best that they showed their true colours now, rather than in the future when you have done more work on yourself.

Look at it as a way to start with a blank slate maybe? It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Maybe it is for the best?

This might come across harsh and cold. But if you were to improve yourself, and had a setback and it happened then, maybe it would have hit even harder?

Just keep on improving yourself, and I am sure you will find someone that is worth you.

I've been thinking on that as well, both the perspective of not the right person and a blank slate. I think you're right about the setback after improvement idea, in a weird roundabout way it's probably for the best that this happened now. Especially if they were able to radically switch in such a short timespan. You really think you know someone…

It's nice to know that I have others thinking that I'm on the right track as well. I'm going to spend this time wallowing, but I won't allow myself to resign to this fully.

I agree. I tend to think she might have confided with someone about your relationship and they were convinced to do this.
There is a thing called 'Toxic Friends'....in which, they are toxic to the relationship.
Ive gone thru this....it was a marriage ending....after being together for almost 7 years. Broke me into pieces....to the point I was never the same.
But you don't have to be this way. I get the impression you are young.....I was 32 when this happened....so its different.
One way that helped me was that I turned some of the unhappiness into anger. I thought about all the times that my spouse did horrible things to me & our relationship.....that helped me see the other side of the reality than just the happier moments.

I know it hard...but others are right, why be with someone if they just will give up on you because you might be depressed or whatever.
Thats not the definition of a loving relationship. A loving one would involve someone being there to help you, support you...be there when you needed someone.


Focus on having fun....getting back with friends to do things with.....work at your career.....be with your family more...etc etc
Make your life more fulfilling and happier. You can do this.

You're right, I am still young. My life has been going through some very transformative times, reaching the end of college and now having the open paths in front of me. I will do what I can to focus on myself, first and foremost-- be that through fun, work, or even just peaceful solitude. Thank you for your words.

 

[devils~advocate]

You didn't ask ...but I think there are some things I think people need to think about, when it involves another person in your life.
Don't ever..ever....ever...disregard a red flag in another person within a romantic relationship.
You may think you'll never find another person....but don't put up with behavior from someone else, just because you fear being alone.

Believe me, I put up with some red flags that I just ignored or thought they wouldnt get worse.
You said it right...or many have said it as well...."You really think you know someone".
Well people are always telling you what they really are & feel about things...sometimes they are open about it, sometimes they hide it and sometimes you catch them doing something.

I'm not saying to not forgive and move past some issues...but there are some things you just can't forgive or let by on.
And you know what I mean....
Always have self respect and dignity for your self and feelings.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Guys, can any one recommend a proper professional or a serious guide (I.E: none of this manosphere macho alpha bullshit) on the topic of handling conversations with your ex in the hopes of getting back together? My ex reached out and is communication is sort of flowing, but I don't want to become her friend and I want to know how it would be better to handle this in order to have another chance. I don't care for charlatans and I think I could afford online sessions in the range of US$50 or so (fuck exchange rates).

Sounds too naive and hopeful? Maybe. But the love of my michi is the only thing right now that could stop me from considering ctb. I don't want to lose hope, I just want to have another chance with the woman I've loved the most.

 

[DevonBostick'sAss]

As of today, my girlfriend of three years has broke up with me. Just yesterday, we were intimate, flirting, and talking about the future. She went to sleep and we stopped texting, there was a 15 hour period of no talking and then when she came back, she tells me that I am not well enough to have a genuine relationship. I haven't seen her in person in about a week. I'm not sure what I'm more shocked about— breaking up over text or the complete 180 in emotions in less than 24 hours.

I'm heartbroken, I saw myself growing old with her, taking care of her, and improving myself to better support her through her disabilities. Part of my reason for recovery was to ensure we would have a better life together, but now I am largely feeling hopeless.

Does anyone else have any experience of heartbreak during recovery? I don't think I'm giving up yet, but Christ, it's hard enough to be a suicidal gay woman without the heartbreak, I need to figure out a new plan going forward. I was planning on starting therapy soon, particularly focusing on my melancholy, career, and relationship— but I guess one of those aspects is gone now.

I have always liked the quote:
" If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right person" it always makes something move in me. Dont lose hope everything happens for a reason. Learn from it.

 

[death_by_life]

It's been a little while... how are you doing?

I think relationships are the hardest thing to deal with in life. That's been my experience, anyway. About 6 months ago, I ended things with someone I thought was a partner, but it turns out they were "partners" with a number of other people, and I was just a toy for their amusement. After 6 years, they were bored and wanted something else and wanted me to leave, so they got something else and I left. After talking with their spouse (yeah, I know, I feel unendingly guilty), I discovered that absolutely everything they said was a lie (like, *everything*), and I most likely would have started getting the same abusive treatment the spouse was, based on things they were saying to me that echoed what they'd been saying to their spouse. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it, or I'd be fine if they contacted me again, but at least now I know for sure that we were not a match and I'm better off. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what to do with all the sadness, rage, anxiety, jealousy, etc. and not knowing why I still feel these things when I know my ex as so unbelievably emotionally immature and destructive just for the sake of being destructive. Just for the drama of it.

Sorry... I didn't mean to hijack your thread (but I did it anyway ). All that is to say that if your gf was having doubts and didn't say anything, there may have been other things she didn't want to talk about, and a lack of communication is frequently a relationship killer. It feels like absolute hell, but it could turn out to be appropriate in the end. Either way, I hope things work out in a way that brings you peace.

 

[MoonBat]

It's been a little while... how are you doing?

I think relationships are the hardest thing to deal with in life. That's been my experience, anyway. About 6 months ago, I ended things with someone I thought was a partner, but it turns out they were "partners" with a number of other people, and I was just a toy for their amusement. After 6 years, they were bored and wanted something else and wanted me to leave, so they got something else and I left. After talking with their spouse (yeah, I know, I feel unendingly guilty), I discovered that absolutely everything they said was a lie (like, *everything*), and I most likely would have started getting the same abusive treatment the spouse was, based on things they were saying to me that echoed what they'd been saying to their spouse. That doesn't mean I'm okay with it, or I'd be fine if they contacted me again, but at least now I know for sure that we were not a match and I'm better off. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what to do with all the sadness, rage, anxiety, jealousy, etc. and not knowing why I still feel these things when I know my ex as so unbelievably emotionally immature and destructive just for the sake of being destructive. Just for the drama of it.

Sorry... I didn't mean to hijack your thread (but I did it anyway ). All that is to say that if your gf was having doubts and didn't say anything, there may have been other things she didn't want to talk about, and a lack of communication is frequently a relationship killer. It feels like absolute hell, but it could turn out to be appropriate in the end. Either way, I hope things work out in a way that brings you peace.

Nothing to apologize for friend. :)

I'm doing better than I was, but admittedly it has put a hamper on my progress. Heartbreak fed into my depression and it's wrecked my sleep schedule, but that's something I've been improving. Over the past few days, I've been waking up at 2am, which sound drastic! But being able to stay awake during the actual day and not waking up in the evening has greatly helped with productivity and just even getting out of the house to not let the world pass me by. Still on track to get with a therapist, but other things have been taken care of.

As for my ex herself, it's in a really odd place. We talked and she said that she had jumped the gun a fair amount and went too far. I thought that was sweet and we talked about how we still have feelings for each other. She is autistic and as such suffers from communication problems due to a mixture of things. I told her, however, as much as I'd like to get back together, I have a lot of things I need to work out and she does too. It's something that were are communicating as friends, but with the messages she sends and sometimes various memes/posts/art she sends me on social media, it is clear she wishes we were still together. I don't really know where I want to go with this now. I'm taking this time (and as much time as I need) to think on what needs to be done as well as where to go next-- for mostly myself, but maybe her as well. It's all kind of a mess.

I've been doing minor things to treat myself when I'm not being productive-- cooking, make-up, walks in my slice of rural nowhere, and even planning on volunteering for the local animal shelter. Overall, life isn't terrible right now-- but I wouldn't say it's good. We have turbulent futures in front of us, but I'm telling myself that in my hopes of recovering from suicidal ideation, I cannot let myself reside.

Hope you are doing well and will continue to do well. Thank you for reaching out, it means the world to me. <3