Venting Healing but still want to do it in spite of everything?

[Hyes]

I can definitely say I'm getting better compared to the end of last year. I haven't had serious suicidal thoughts in a while. Where I'm daydreaming about doing it and the orgasmic rush I feel imagining it. I thought turning 21 would be a big change but all it means is I can get alcohol easier and drink way more.

The album I've been working on with a friend is genuinely coming along really well. That should be reason enough to keep going. My friend is the drummer and to each other; we are the only other person we've met that can truly keep up with each other musically. And he's nearly twice my age.

I'm still autistic as shit and bring myself down every chance I get. And I just avoid any social interaction I can. It's kind of weird. If I know what to say before hand, I can speak just fine (ie, talking to cashiers) but I am godawful at being put on the spot. My mind just goes blank and I can't find the words.

quitting my nicotine addiction is so hard. I had been using zyns with my vape but a little over a month ago I threw it away shortly after I bought a new one. In that time, I started to smoke cigarillos and now the problem is just worse. I gotta take 2 zyns at a time to replace what just 1 would feel like. But god the buzz when I'm drunk is worth it. It's no surprise why I feel like shit all the time.

I haven't met anyone new in years. I want to but also don't want to? I've never been in a serious relationship I've been alone so long that I just want to do everything alone. In school? I wanted to do all my work alone because it was faster and easier. I guess that hasn't changed. It's hard to work on myself when there is no one to do it for. There's so much about relationships that I don't know and I know it's gonna be a problem for any potential partner I find. (How long do I wait to get intimate? When can I start asking personal questions?) it's hard to form connections when it seems like every question I can ask I too personal and it'd be rude to.

I'm sorry this post isn't as focused as I wanted it to be. Tl;dr I feel like shit and everything I do still makes me feel like shit

 

[Hyes]

This is just my life, no one talks to me.

 

[timetodie24]

I can definitely say I'm getting better compared to the end of last year. I haven't had serious suicidal thoughts in a while. Where I'm daydreaming about doing it and the orgasmic rush I feel imagining it. I thought turning 21 would be a big change but all it means is I can get alcohol easier and drink way more.

The album I've been working on with a friend is genuinely coming along really well. That should be reason enough to keep going. My friend is the drummer and to each other; we are the only other person we've met that can truly keep up with each other musically. And he's nearly twice my age.

I'm still autistic as shit and bring myself down every chance I get. And I just avoid any social interaction I can. It's kind of weird. If I know what to say before hand, I can speak just fine (ie, talking to cashiers) but I am godawful at being put on the spot. My mind just goes blank and I can't find the words.

quitting my nicotine addiction is so hard. I had been using zyns with my vape but a little over a month ago I threw it away shortly after I bought a new one. In that time, I started to smoke cigarillos and now the problem is just worse. I gotta take 2 zyns at a time to replace what just 1 would feel like. But god the buzz when I'm drunk is worth it. It's no surprise why I feel like shit all the time.

I haven't met anyone new in years. I want to but also don't want to? I've never been in a serious relationship I've been alone so long that I just want to do everything alone. In school? I wanted to do all my work alone because it was faster and easier. I guess that hasn't changed. It's hard to work on myself when there is no one to do it for. There's so much about relationships that I don't know and I know it's gonna be a problem for any potential partner I find. (How long do I wait to get intimate? When can I start asking personal questions?) it's hard to form connections when it seems like every question I can ask I too personal and it'd be rude to.

I'm sorry this post isn't as focused as I wanted it to be. Tl;dr I feel like shit and everything I do still makes me feel like shit

Hey

I'm autistic too and can really relate to going blank in social interactions and the fear of the unknown in relationships. I've never dated before and the thought terrifies me. I put myself down all the time too.

It sounds like you're feeling quite conflicted- that you feel there are definitely some positives to your life but that they're sort of overshadowed by the things you still struggle with ? Like it's hard to enjoy the positives when you feel so shit. I guess it's about weighing up if it's worth it. But I think if things have improved for you recently, there is always a chance that other things will improve too. Yes social interactions will always be difficult to us because of autism but doesn't mean we can't learn and improve social skills. Hopefully you can find someone else new to relationship, or not had them in a while (plenty of people will fall into that category at your age) who would be more understanding and you can work out the pace and boundaries together.

The idea of ctb and escaping everything can feel comforting. Even when things weren't as bad for me, I did find comfort in imagining it even if wasn't actively thinking about it, knowing it was always an option helped .

 

[dinosavr]

I think it's really common, sucks to hear that, I know, but it's how it works. I have a hard time understanding it myself and I'm constantly spinning around - almost attempting but getting disrupted by calling the helpline by myself and repeatedly sabotaging any move I make.
But as long as my psychotherapist is right, it's because your suicidality, especially when you gave it that much attention, is very well known and discovered in every single detail, except for actually doing something. It's paradoxically important and comfortable to you. It feels like everything is right where it's supposed to be.
Healing on the other hand is something that is completely undiscovered. You don't know what to do, you feel lost and helpless. It's like you're trying so hard every single day to achieve any kind of relief and it very often doesn't help. It's even quite logical that it's extremely frustrating for you and for people around who don't seem to ever understand it.
And how much can anyone really commit to healing when they can't see ANY point of it, none at all. It's almost crazy that others expect it from us. But I try to perceive any kind of will to see it and try it, just to be sure that I've done everything I could and for my friends. And I think you should give it a try too. Because after all we can always step back and catch the bus anyway and that's that. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!