Venting Having to deal with a panic disorder is awful

[Nanako]

I know with 100% certainty that I truly want to die, but I can't help but get extremely anxious wondering if I'll be able to acquire the means to do it. Lately I've been having to deal with some sudden and stressful obstacles that have gotten in the way of my objective, and right now I just don't know if I'll be able to overcome them. What helps keep me somewhat hopeful is knowing that I'm a naturally paranoid person and that I might be overthinking it all, but still, it's 50/50.

Having said that...

The thought of not being able to get myself a good and reliable method due to bad luck and unfortunate circumstances, and having to grow old and increasingly depressed while still living with my parents is so humiliating and depressing. Just imagining my old friends from HS or close family members observing my pitiful state as I grow older and useless makes me want to scream, I fear for my sanity if I'm not able to ctb by the end of this year, but I don't know if it will be possible or not; and this uncertainty is fucking terrible, I've never felt this anxious in my entire life.

Can anyone else relate to the extreme shame that comes from being an useless underachiever who needs to depend on their parents lest they starve to death? It's such an embarassing predicament, I've always been a very self-conscious person who cares a great deal about how others perceive them, so to me this whole situation is coming dangerously close to becoming unbearably hellish.

 

[NSA]

Can anyone else relate to the extreme shame that comes from being an useless underachiever who needs to depend on their parents lest they starve to death?

Yes. Can't say too much for fear of doxxing myself, but yes.

I've ran into a few people from school over the years. I cut it short fast as possible or pretended I didn't remember them. They probably think I hate them now. It's better that way, I think.

I was supposed to be more than this. I'm not.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this suffering. I can imagine it must be unbearable having to deal with so much anxiety. I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult, there is the fear of failure and the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit. Growing old sounds horrible to me and I fear old age. I just want to peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Can anyone else relate to the extreme shame that comes from being an useless underachiever who needs to depend on their parents lest they starve to death? It's such an embarassing predicament, I've always been a very self-conscious person who cares a great deal about how others perceive them, so to me this whole situation is coming dangerously close to becoming unbearably hellish.

Yes, the extreme shame. It cuts so deep. This is exactly how I feel about my life, and exactly how I respond to it. Shame of failure and being too noncommittal, weak, and useless to change makes me want to CTB. While I'm on the young side, I know if I don't snap out of this by a certain age, I am guaranteed, not just highly likely, to follow through.

It's such a crippling feeling, yet seemingly impossible to fix. I'm truly sorry you're going through this.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I totally get it.

Some people that graduated with me on HS have doctor degrees right now. I do not, because I chose a very wrong career that promised me a lie.

I remember when I was back in college, I could take the bus to get there quick but the place I would need to go to get the bus was next to my HS. I was afraid of going there and stumbling across someone that knew me, they would ask how I was doing and I was still in college, it took me a while to finish it.
So I would just hop on a car on go by the "rich" way, Using the credit card, which constantly led me to be in debt.
How silly is that? Using money that you don't have just because you're afraid of stumbling onto someone you know by chance. Afraid of the questions...
I did it every time.