Having loving people still around is NIGHTMARE MODE

[Sunshine]

If you have family or people who love or care about you, then that in itself is a blessing. And many people here never experienced this. But it's at the same time such a curse. You want to die and life is bland, boring, miserable yet if you do kill yourself you will cause extreme suffering to your loved ones. Perhaps literally kill them as they fall apart from guilt and pain. I don't know how to deal with this. Having to wait until your parents die, it can take 10, 20, 30 years. So much more time to pass. It's so difficult. I wish I could just plan my suicide, I have the funds and means to get F and my own place but I can't. I have to wait and pretend so many more years.

How can you deal with this? It's maddening. You're essentially a walking corpse that just keeps moving to protect the hearts of other people.

 

[akrasia]

I totally relate to this. I have a lovely mother that support me endlessly but, I want to ctb so bad. I feel so bad to the point i'll cry thinking what would happen to her if I did ctb. Right now I'm trying to get better for her and showing her that i'm happy. But, I know that one day i'll ctb and leave her, i'm going to spent everyday like it's my last.
I believe that I shouldn't do something just to please someone. Like what's the point of suffering for someone? (like staying alive and living on this hell called earth) I guess it's kind of selfish of me to think that way.

 

[Sunshine]

I totally relate to this. I have a lovely mother that support me endlessly but, I want to ctb so bad. I feel so bad to the point i'll cry thinking what would happen to her if I did ctb. Right now I'm trying to get better for her and showing her that i'm happy. But, I know that one day i'll ctb and leave her, i'm going to spent everyday like it's my last.
I believe that I shouldn't do something just to please someone. Like what's the point of suffering for someone? (like staying alive and living on this hell called earth) I guess it's kind of selfish of me to think that way.

I sometimes have to imagine my parents at my funeral and how much it would hurt them standing there. That image in my head is so painful that I feel like I'm physically suffocating. You're right that we shouldn't do things just to please someone, but we're just human after all. I hope that you can endure the time you have to stay alive for your mother as good as possible. :|

 

[Iloveyouall]

You're essentially a walking corpse that just keeps moving to protect the hearts of other people.

That's such a beautiful image.

 

[HadEnough1974]

That's such a beautiful image.

Omg I totally agree.

 

[LadyApple]

I know my mom loves me intensively. She is abroad. It's been eight months since I flew home to see her. She is constantly slightly depressed but she is so strong. Her parents are pretty much vampires that suck every drop of her blood monetarily and emotionally. When I was younger and physically lived closer to her, she used to mentally abuse me without being aware because that was how she's brought up. She is the best mom she can be given all the awful circumstances. I once had a coworker telling me not to do it, and if anything happens to me it will break my mom. I love her. I'm part of her. But I wish she knew how miserable my life is. I worked so hard to get to where I am today. But it doesn't get better. Life doesn't get better.

It doesn't matter what you have or what you don't have. It will trick you to think it's getting better, just for a little while before you realize it's nothing but an illusion. Life is an illusion. We all gonna die, sooner or later. If this is a simulated reality, then maybe I made everything up and when I "die" everything will disappear.

If I knew life is such a meaningless game prior I wouldn't want to come. Did anyone ever ask if I wanted to come to this world? Yes, they will be destroyed, for a while, but eventually, they will be ok. I will leave my mom with all my money and assets. When I'm on the other side I will watch over her and make sure she is ok. I will always love her.

 

[highlyvolatile]

like many of you have said i also feel bad about wanting to ctb and having loving family or people that love you. at least on my mom's side. my uncle is more of a father figure to me than my dad ever was. my dad is a self asorbed money hungry ego cenrtic person. i hate him. i hate I'm his child. he's selfish inconsiderate and thinks that because he pays child support that's him being a father. i was crying breaking down in public and he made the convo about him. id told him i was sexually assaulted and he said "at least it was by someone in your age range right"? who tf says that to their kid. i love my mom's side of the family and the only reason i hadn't ctb yet is because we just lost a younger relative and her funeral is in 3 days. i want to go. i really do. but i don't wanna add onto their pain rn.

 

[Iloveyouall]

i was crying breaking down in public and he made the convo about him. id told him i was sexually assaulted and he said "at least it was by someone in your age range right"? who tf says that to their kid.

What the fuck ?! That's so atrocious.

 

[highlyvolatile]

What the fuck ?! That's so atrocious.

i think moving to the same city as him has been one of the worst mistakes ive made this far. none of these people try to support me mentally emotionally nothing. i hate it. my mom and 4 other women divorced him for a reason...

 

[Iloveyouall]

i think moving to the same city as him has been one of the worst mistakes ive made this far. none of these people try to support me mentally emotionally nothing. i hate it. my mom and 4 other women divorced him for a reason...

Because there are others like him ? Who are "these people" ? If you don't mind talking about it of course.