Having children ruined my mental health

[Givingupandgivingin]

If I think back to when things got really really really bad it's after the birth of my second child.
I don't know why I had a second. I struggled with one. I think I felt I should and I was an only child and wished for a sibling.
I hate it. I love them. But I hate being a mother. My anxiety is through the roof. The constant noise and mess and stress. The remembering everything. The worry. The sibling fights. Two people reliant on me all the time and expecting me to do everything. I long to be free of them but at the same time feel such obligation and responsibility towards them. I take them out, I do stuff with them, they moan and whinge. My life is now a series of tasks I don't want to do but guilt compels me. And anxiety. Guilt and anxiety. Those are my two main emotions.
I WANT them to be happy. I am stuck in this unhappy marriage because I want them to be happy.

 

[WitheringAway]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I understand your frustration. I dont think I have the patience for children or being attentive to dependable human beings 24/7. I'm also sensitive to noises and struggle with ocd. I thought getting married would change my mind but when I knew that my life with my ex husband was falling apart I secretly took birth control. Now I'm divorced with no children and I'm thankful. I don't think I will ever be a mother. It's just not for me. I feel your pain. And I'm sorry to hear that staying in unhappy marriage is a sacrifice you have to make.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I am much like you, OP. My child is the only person I love. I feel as though the rest of my energy went with her when I gave birth: I am always irritable, short... yet she tells me I am the greatest mom ever. She has no idea what she is missing, apparently. I have loved her well throughout her life though, with all of the energy I've been able to muster. Maybe that's why she sees me as some sort of maternal goddess.
Do you think that maybe your kids would be happier if you were not with your spouse? It sounds like you certainly would be.

 

[Pho3nix]

Check out the Facebook group "I regret having children". It's full of people who feel exactly the same. They don't hate their kids but find the lack of freedom and responsibility daunting. Like suicide, not enjoying parenthood is very much a taboo subject.

 

[Symbiote]

Did you always have this issue before kids? Or did it happen after you had them? Usually if it's after you had them, then a doctor visit to see if you have PPD (post partum depression).

Also staying around for the kids and a marriage you don't like to be in because of them is not a good idea. Kids will pick up on that feel resentful. Better to get a divorce and give full custody to your soon to be ex husband.

 

[Final_frontier]

Better to get a divorce and give full custody to your soon to be ex husband.

Don't agree with this. Both those things you suggest (divorce and forsaking their children) seem utterly selfish, immoral and irresponsible. Maybe the spouse will get over the divorce but the children deserve to grow up with their mother. If you bring kids to this world, you have the responsibility to take care of them, especially the mother. Fleeing from that responsibility is just cowardice.

 

[Symbiote]

Kids gonna grow up fucked up with a mother that hates them and then they become adults and do the same shit. Its just as selfish and irresponsible to stay in a marriage just for your kids if things are going to hell. Agree to disagree, that's my take on it.

 

[Soulless Angel]

I love my children, but if I could have done thing's differently I would have, I am in a vicious circle, I have many reasons why I wish to end my existence, 1% of them is them, knowing they would be free of me and the shit parent but another 1% is them, as in one of them I struggle with so badly,
I do understand children come first, I realise now my husband puts them first so much (and rightly so) that I struggle to see an us any more, he only touches if it leads to sex, so I do resent the children for them coming between us, (or so it feels in my mind)
But I do adore them, just know they would be better with out me, I am nasty, quick to temper, never take them out as its a mission and causes a lot of arguments, they won't stop fighting, admit they hate each other and so forth! they are all under 11...

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Kids gonna grow up fucked up with a mother that hates them and then they become adults and do the same shit. Its just as selfish and irresponsible to stay in a marriage just for your kids if things are going to hell. Agree to disagree, that's my take on it.

I don't hate them. I love them. I hate having them. It's not the same thing.
I do loads with them, I always put them first, one of my children is autisitc so that adds extra anxiety. I wish I'd not had them because it's made me so unwell and now I'm trapped. It's precisely because I'm putting them First that I am still married.
I question what's worse for them, divorce or the suicide of their mother. I do feel like if I wasn't here anymore then it's done - no uncertainty, no back and forth between two houses, grieve and then it's done.
The pain of divorce goes on forever.

I am stuck between those two options and I realise there's no good option.

I love my children, but if I could have done thing's differently I would have, I am in a vicious circle, I have many reasons why I wish to end my existence, 1% of them is them, knowing they would be free of me and the shit parent but another 1% is them, as in one of them I struggle with so badly,
I do understand children come first, I realise now my husband puts them first so much (and rightly so) that I struggle to see an us any more, he only touches if it leads to sex, so I do resent the children for them coming between us, (or so it feels in my mind)
But I do adore them, just know they would be better with out me, I am nasty, quick to temper, never take them out as its a mission and causes a lot of arguments, they won't stop fighting, admit they hate each other and so forth! they are all under 11...

How many children do you have?
It's hard work and it's relentless.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I understand your pain, I hope things look up. For me I ended it with my kids dad was the best thing I ever did, I'm still not happy but happier for sure and my kids are too, sending hugs

 

[Ghost2211]

I understand. I love my kids, I would and do anything for them. They mean more to me than I can even measure, and I'm alive for them, but I am trapped in all this because I have them. I don't dislike or resent them in any way, but it is a fact my life is harder because I have them. People need to understand we can be good and loving parents, but also not always like the kids. Mine are fighting for 6 hours during zoom school. That doesn't really cause warm fuzzy feelings. That said... don't stay in a crap toxic marriage for the kids. It's not doing you or them any favors.

 

[XYZ]

Usually if it's after you had them, then a doctor visit to see if you have PPD (post partum depression).

As soon as someone mentions kids there's always someone else who mentions PPD.

Can a third someone shoot me now, please?

PPD is one of a million reasons someone with kids might end up here. It's reductionistic to always invoke this particular diagnosis.

If I think back to when things got really really really bad it's after the birth of my second child.
I don't know why I had a second. I struggled with one. I think I felt I should and I was an only child and wished for a sibling.
I hate it. I love them. But I hate being a mother. My anxiety is through the roof. The constant noise and mess and stress. The remembering everything. The worry. The sibling fights. Two people reliant on me all the time and expecting me to do everything. I long to be free of them but at the same time feel such obligation and responsibility towards them. I take them out, I do stuff with them, they moan and whinge. My life is now a series of tasks I don't want to do but guilt compels me. And anxiety. Guilt and anxiety. Those are my two main emotions.
I WANT them to be happy. I am stuck in this unhappy marriage because I want them to be happy.

I am very, very sorry for your pain I hope talking about it here helps you even if it's only a tiny, tiny bit.

 

[Soulless Angel]

How many children do you have?
It's hard work and it's relentless.

I have 4, I also have another 2 whom don't live with me

 

[IBreathButNoMoreLive]

I don't hate them. I love them. I hate having them. It's not the same thing.
I do loads with them, I always put them first, one of my children is autisitc so that adds extra anxiety. I wish I'd not had them because it's made me so unwell and now I'm trapped. It's precisely because I'm putting them First that I am still married.
I question what's worse for them, divorce or the suicide of their mother. I do feel like if I wasn't here anymore then it's done - no uncertainty, no back and forth between two houses, grieve and then it's done.
The pain of divorce goes on forever.

I am stuck between those two options and I realise there's no good option.

How many children do you have?
It's hard work and it's relentless.

WhAts worse divorce or suicide of their mother !!!
I wound about loudly Suicide of their Mother from the rooftop !!
i cannot believe you even asked that question ... I am not going to continue on in this chat as I am definitely gonna loose it ...

 

[stellabelle]

If I think back to when things got really really really bad it's after the birth of my second child.
I don't know why I had a second. I struggled with one. I think I felt I should and I was an only child and wished for a sibling.
I hate it. I love them. But I hate being a mother. My anxiety is through the roof. The constant noise and mess and stress. The remembering everything. The worry. The sibling fights. Two people reliant on me all the time and expecting me to do everything. I long to be free of them but at the same time feel such obligation and responsibility towards them. I take them out, I do stuff with them, they moan and whinge. My life is now a series of tasks I don't want to do but guilt compels me. And anxiety. Guilt and anxiety. Those are my two main emotions.
I WANT them to be happy. I am stuck in this unhappy marriage because I want them to be happy.

Sounds like you've made the ultimate sacrifice of life itself.
I'm sorry that you feel so low and overwhelmed. I wish there was something more I could do or say that could bring you comfort or ease.
Remember that as time goes on, children become more independent and you may start to feel a bit of relief when they do.
I hope you feel better soon.