Interesting. I was a single mom who, even though the court awarded me a small child support amount ($100/mo for each child -- which didn't even cover my daycare bill) I never received a dime. Instead I worked 2 jobs, came home took care of the kids, did extra-curricular activities -- thank God they all were interested in the same sport, took care of the house, cooking, science projects, kids' friends hanging out, pets (and we had a LOT of pets! Lol), all the typical mid-to-low middle class apartment/suburban home in the US. And yes, I dealt with my chronic pain issues even back then. Looking back, I have no idea how I did it. I am pretty sure that me being the only responsible adult in my children's lives just gave me that much more resolve to get it done.
I love my kids more than life itself so it never occurred to me that I should "check out" or that I might fail. Failure was not an option, as they say. I certainly did not want to wind up living in a 2-door car that was 20 years old with a bunch of kids in the American Midwest. The weather here likes to swing back and forth from one extreme to another. Can get uncomfortable enough living in a traditional home -- house, apartment, single wide trailer -- I would not want to deal with it a car ... Or a tent ... Or a cardboard box.
So ... To say I stayed busy would be an understatement. And interestingly enough it seems the busier I keep myself, the easier it is for me to deal with my suicidal ideation and chronic pain. I cannot explain it. I wish I could. But once I found SaSu and tried some of the suggestions in the Recovery forum, I slowly found myself feeling better.
Do I still want to kill myself? Yes.
Do I still feel guilty about wanting to "do the deed"? Yes.
Do I have my method picked out? Yes.
Is my SI HORRIBLE, and right now anyway, impossible for me to overcome? Yes.
Do I know when I will go? I thought I did, but now that my son and I are talking again, I have no clue. When my pain from my injuries (abused as a child, major accident with injuries, surgery upon surgery trying to "fix" what's all banged up on me) becomes unbearable 24/7.
Do I regret the things I did to keep a roof over my kids' heads, get them all a good education, and be able to afford the things they enjoyed doing in their off time?? (I figured I had relinquished my "off time" until my youngest turned 18 ... Lol.) Hell, no. My kids were worth EVERY sacrifice I ever made for them. In fact, it never even occurred to me that anyone owed me anything -- quite the opposite. I owe my children my life. I would have would up dead inside of 2 years if I hadn't been pregnant and realized I was living a life that was just one bad step away from me being in a VERY early grave.
My husband is my exact opposite. He would rather DIE than get out of his recliner. The only time he is up on his feet is when he is at work. I dunno. I don't get it. He's over there snoring right now.

