tretion
i have a restraining order from god atp
- Aug 28, 2025
- 142
I know a lot on this forum are atheists, please respect my beliefs.
I have been trying to kill myself consistently since February 2nd this year.
I was 18 my first attempt of this year, I took 100-200 pills consisting of ibuprofen. tylenol, allergy pills, and random other pills.
I understand how this now wouldn't result in a successful suicide, I am just putting it here so you all understand how desperate I have been.
From then til february 22nd i had multiple attempts consisting of hanging, pills etc, all of which failed.
The 22nd I had a license test and didn't want to show up with scars or sick so i paused, then days after was my 19th birthday.
I didn't want to see 19 so I was heavily disappointed, one of my reasons for suicide is dying young, my younger years were ruined by the selfish immature people in my life so I want to be young forever so if the afterlife is real I have a chance to make up for those years.
I decided I 100% will not live to see 20.
March 8th, dph od.
I have posted about this before so I will keep it short and sweet, my cat died this night, I was not in a good headspace and as a result I took 74 sleeping pills equating to 3.7 grams of dph.
This is one of the ones that I truly believe should of killed me. I was reading that a lot have issues above 1 gram. Usually resulting in hospitalization, I did not go to the hospital, I stayed home. I puked the pills up in my sleep.
This is reasoning one why I believe spirituality has a play in this.
I only ever sleep on my back, I do not move in my sleep, I had it planned that even if I puked I would of choked in my sleep because I always sleep on my back and never do I wake up in a different position than I fall asleep in.
I woke up halfway on my stomach, face in vomit.
My tounge was bitten so I do have reason to believe I had a seizure which further proves my point of spirituality in play. My bed is small, I should of rolled out of bed and hit my head on a dresser that was beside me, instead I woke up partially on my stomach ?
Before I continue there is another thing I want to mention that I have to be careful how I talk about it due to worried about him finding this.
A guy keeps coming into my life every time I plan to end it.
Not in a romantical way, but a friend way, something I was never allowed to have as a kid.
Started in January, when I originally started planning my suicide, we were acquaintances for a bit but all a sudden he started calling me to play video games, every night when I was planning on doing it he would call me right before asking to play and I never wanted to say no, so I put my suicide off to play video games with him.
These calls would last literal hours, sometimes he would call during the start of the day and we wouldn't get off call til night time, it never left me enough solid time to complete my suicide.
This lasted for months til he randomly disappeared, I was concern about him but he ended up coming back but not calling anymore, which you might think would finally give me time to kill myself but no, some irl things happened which halted it.
Between then and now, I had have multiple attempts, I have hanged myself, which failed, not because a rope breaking or anything of that sort but because I just wouldn't pass out?
I legitimately hanged too, before anyone says something.
Well recently I found a different method.. it is fool proof, I would have to die, again my goal was before 20, its now November, I have 3 months.
I make my plan, exact date, have my room cleaned, notes written.
Guess who fucking calls again.
He's back, after only texting now and then for months we are calling again, when I finally have a solid suicide method, it's like things never changed.
He wants to help me move out, to have a life away from my parents.
Before I continue this I want to say I am huge on tarot cards, I do readings on myself alot, all of which has been accurate except for one.
It tells me my future is good, I am happy, I am wealthy etc. Obviously this has not happened or else I would not be here.
Everything that he tells me, is what the cards described, I feel as if it is too late though.
Every night I tell myself is the night, then like clockwork he calls, I am not complaining, I enjoy spending this time with him, he has became one my closest if not bestest friends.
I just want to die though.
I feel I am stuck, that a god or maybe a guide is playing me, is not letting me make my own choices.
I am being stopped every time I am ready.
I have been trying to kill myself consistently since February 2nd this year.
I was 18 my first attempt of this year, I took 100-200 pills consisting of ibuprofen. tylenol, allergy pills, and random other pills.
I understand how this now wouldn't result in a successful suicide, I am just putting it here so you all understand how desperate I have been.
From then til february 22nd i had multiple attempts consisting of hanging, pills etc, all of which failed.
The 22nd I had a license test and didn't want to show up with scars or sick so i paused, then days after was my 19th birthday.
I didn't want to see 19 so I was heavily disappointed, one of my reasons for suicide is dying young, my younger years were ruined by the selfish immature people in my life so I want to be young forever so if the afterlife is real I have a chance to make up for those years.
I decided I 100% will not live to see 20.
March 8th, dph od.
I have posted about this before so I will keep it short and sweet, my cat died this night, I was not in a good headspace and as a result I took 74 sleeping pills equating to 3.7 grams of dph.
This is one of the ones that I truly believe should of killed me. I was reading that a lot have issues above 1 gram. Usually resulting in hospitalization, I did not go to the hospital, I stayed home. I puked the pills up in my sleep.
This is reasoning one why I believe spirituality has a play in this.
I only ever sleep on my back, I do not move in my sleep, I had it planned that even if I puked I would of choked in my sleep because I always sleep on my back and never do I wake up in a different position than I fall asleep in.
I woke up halfway on my stomach, face in vomit.
My tounge was bitten so I do have reason to believe I had a seizure which further proves my point of spirituality in play. My bed is small, I should of rolled out of bed and hit my head on a dresser that was beside me, instead I woke up partially on my stomach ?
Before I continue there is another thing I want to mention that I have to be careful how I talk about it due to worried about him finding this.
A guy keeps coming into my life every time I plan to end it.
Not in a romantical way, but a friend way, something I was never allowed to have as a kid.
Started in January, when I originally started planning my suicide, we were acquaintances for a bit but all a sudden he started calling me to play video games, every night when I was planning on doing it he would call me right before asking to play and I never wanted to say no, so I put my suicide off to play video games with him.
These calls would last literal hours, sometimes he would call during the start of the day and we wouldn't get off call til night time, it never left me enough solid time to complete my suicide.
This lasted for months til he randomly disappeared, I was concern about him but he ended up coming back but not calling anymore, which you might think would finally give me time to kill myself but no, some irl things happened which halted it.
Between then and now, I had have multiple attempts, I have hanged myself, which failed, not because a rope breaking or anything of that sort but because I just wouldn't pass out?
I legitimately hanged too, before anyone says something.
Well recently I found a different method.. it is fool proof, I would have to die, again my goal was before 20, its now November, I have 3 months.
I make my plan, exact date, have my room cleaned, notes written.
Guess who fucking calls again.
He's back, after only texting now and then for months we are calling again, when I finally have a solid suicide method, it's like things never changed.
He wants to help me move out, to have a life away from my parents.
Before I continue this I want to say I am huge on tarot cards, I do readings on myself alot, all of which has been accurate except for one.
It tells me my future is good, I am happy, I am wealthy etc. Obviously this has not happened or else I would not be here.
Everything that he tells me, is what the cards described, I feel as if it is too late though.
Every night I tell myself is the night, then like clockwork he calls, I am not complaining, I enjoy spending this time with him, he has became one my closest if not bestest friends.
I just want to die though.
I feel I am stuck, that a god or maybe a guide is playing me, is not letting me make my own choices.
I am being stopped every time I am ready.
️ 🕊
