Have any of you known someone who committed suicide and how did it make you feel?

[Invisible 73]

Something like that happened to me in the past days, although I have no means of checking if she actuall succeded to ctb now or not. I really feel for your loss and how much of an impact it has on you

Ty

A girl I was casual friends with for about a year in grad school. She was very unstable and I didn't have it in me to be her support system, as I was super depressed too. We lost touch. Years later I found out she killed her self. I sobbed for a while and was sad for several days. It still makes me sad. But we were never very close so it didn't have a big impact on me.

I realized afterward that very few people will be affected more than just momentarily when I die.

Exactly how I feel. I know my mom will, more than I realized. As she comes to my place everyday to check on me. And has taken off work for my psych appt next month to make sure I get there. I think it could actually kill her if I did it now. She's not gonna be around much longer herself. And then I have my older brother who is disabeled since birth. Who would care for him? But other than them. I have no one else

 

[not_a_robot]

Yes I've known people who ctb, but not closely. I don't think I've ever truly been close to anyone, and it wasn't for lack of trying. There are people who think they know me because they have memorized facts about me, but never a mutual close connection. Oh well.

How it makes me feel: Elated for them. Not glad that they're dead, but glad they've escaped their pain, knowing how much will power it takes to overcome SI. A little thrill of pride for them, accomplishing something so daunting. Like watching someone win an Olympic event that I tried myself, but failed. Like "You made it! You fucking made it over the wall! God bless you! Yes!" You know how guys yell if their football team scores? I do that when I read about a good suicide that took a lot of will and determination (they all do though). I'm sure my neighbors all think I'm insane. Do not care.
You know how happy and proud people get at the birth of a baby? I think I feel a little tiny sliver of that when someone escapes a miserable life. I don't mean to be creepy or gross, I've just always known that living is not for me, and it inspires me a little to see others overcome it.
It makes me feel less alone.

 

[Thorn]

Several, one of them my own father.
I feel broken, not directly because of the suicide, but because of what drove them to it.
I can't trust anything or anyone, and everything around feels like a war, just silent and stealthy.
I think I died a long time ago, but existing as a biomass is all the world has use of.
Like many great artists, who lived and died in poverty and misery, who are now praised, "sadly missed", and live on in someone's pockets, as money.
And it all gets gradually worse.

 

[RM5998]

A friend I used to play DotA with. I felt... mostly nothing, just a momentary 'good for him' flashing through my mind.

 

[barelyalive]

I have mixed emotions. We used to be very, very close. I was angry, sad, happy for her (in a weird way because I knew she was at peace). Let me clarify- i wasn't mad at her. I was mad that I didn't get to say goodbye, at the least. I think why im not angry with her is we have the same diagnoses and i know how she feels. Felt. whatever. I am jealous though. Thats the main thing i feel, is jealous.

 

[been_there]

Yes, four definite suicides. Two OD possibles. Six other under-40 deaths to accidents or illness. Shit, haven't counted them before.

All of them mark you in some way. All are impossibly sad. Some I took in stride and emotions faded across the years. Others were utterly devastating and could have happened yesterday. Maybe it depends how you are at the time. There's certainly a cumulative effect.

Seeing the sheer range of how people deal with sudden death is surprising. Of course there's always sadness, sometimes anger. And the celebration of life thing. The laugh at death thing. Some folk are changed entirely, usually for the worse.

Personally, the worst are the ones you feel you could have done more to help. There is no way of stopping others feeling that way. From the posts here, we all know that, and its maybe harder to overcome than SI.

 

[TAW122]

While I don't know anyone personally who has committed suicide IRL, I did have a friend pass away a few years ago, so I guess it's similar (even if it isn't exactly the same). When my friend passed away, people were sad for a while, but after some time, they just sorta moved on. As far as people's reaction around me, well they gave their usual platitudes and virtue signals (not that I would expect anything special from it), and of course, were just like how others respond, usually nonchalant towards the whole situation.

 

[oopswronglife]

Yes...and alone.

 

[Worndown]

Yes, a couple of people. They were having problems but distanced themselves enough that one could not have any impact on their life. It is sad, but their suffering was unmanageable. One must be philosophical.

 

[Help_Me]

Never. But my brother had. There was a friend of him who ctb'ed by hanging on dog's leash. Not sure if it was comfortable or not, but seems like he had a strong will to ctb..

 

[mold]

one of my first friends passed away at around this time last year and i definitely felt guilty because she never said anything and i wish i could've done something to help

 

[whyidon'tknow]

I've known three people who killed themselves, all under 25. Two of them I could understand but the third I couldn't. He was the valevictorian from my highschool. The kindest ambitious person you'd ever meet. Goes to show how well some people can hide their inner demons

 

[Breezy]

My girlfriend shot herself after we got in a argument. I didn't witness her doing it but I found her a few minutes after she done it. I'll never forget any of it. 2 years later and it still haunts me.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

My girlfriend shot herself after we got in a argument. I didn't witness her doing it but I found her a few minutes after she done it. I'll never forget any of it. 2 years later and it still haunts me.

All the internet hugs your way

 

[Breezy]

All the internet hugs your way

Thank you

 

[Pilum Muralis]

My sister in law, OD'd on insulin. She was Type 1 diabetic, and my brother had a phobia to needles. She felt she was a burden on him. At the time, I was too young to really understand, and was just sad. She had to of been completely broken, because she did this with her toddler in the house, and she adored her. The neighbor found my SIL after the baby's crying for hours concerned her. Then there was a good friends of mine for years, that struggled with alcohol. I regret he got lost in the shuffle of my moving cross country, and settling in to a new city. His birthday was in August, and I always talked to him, no matter what was going on. After a few failed contact attempts, I did a google search to see if maybe he had moved or something, or gotten a new phone number...there I found an obituary, and upon further web searching I found a celebration of life for him some friends and family had. It fucked me up, because not only did I partially feel responsible for his passing, but I had, prior to finding out about him, deleted all my emails, opened and unopened, to clean out the 5k+ I had in my inbox. What if he had emailed me? Wanting help, saying goodbye, just wanted to talk. I just wish I were there for him when he needed someone. I miss him, but at least he's at peace and his demons gone.

 

[CoolGuy9]

Odd to see my old posts.

 

[ryaan]

when i was 14 my best friend and the first girl i loved attempted suicide and texted me. i rushed to her place to find her and help the medics move her body. she lived, but succeeded a few years later after we had lost touch. i suspected she had a lot of sexual trauma but we never talked about it.

at the time i was very young and distraught. it caused a lot of problems for me throughout high school. all the adults in my life said if she really wanted to do it she wouldn't have texted me and they told me to cut her out of my life because she was dramatic and mentally unwell. she lied a lot and had other problems but i still loved her.

as i am on my way out i have been telling those near me as a heads up and no one seems to think i am serious. everyone calls me manipulative like they called that 14 year old girl manipulative. i have lost those i love and i wish i got a heads up, so i am doing my best to provide closure to those who will need it.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

My 2nd cousin blew his head off. My mom didn't say shit about how he was struggling...just said he did it and she went to a 'wake' and got into a wine fight with her cousin. I told her what do you expect? To get drunk and be merry...he killed himself.

He was very nice. I would email him and tell him my misery. He had some too. I miss him but I am glad he is not suffering through shit.

 

[insanedoomer]

a few people , i only have void in me .

 

[Seiba]

I wasn't close with the person. My relationship with them can be summarized by my mother selling pills to him for him to resell and me being in the car. I felt pretty much nothing, and when I learned further details about his life it made more sense as well. He was in an argument with his ex-girlfriend and she told him his children would be better off without him in the world or something along those lines. His mother had kicked him out at sixteen (twenties at point of his suicide) or so and wasn't really supporting him.

His new girlfriend he had a new baby with (something along the lines of a few days old before he killed himself) and he killed himself on the phone with her. I forget if this detail is true or enough, but if I recall the new girlfriend was cheating on him as well. He also had reached out to multiple people (not myself, obviously and for decent reason.) about not desiring to live and he received typical platitudes about how it always gets better. He was also put into a mental hospital about three times for those talks, but that never lasted more than three days. He seemed a pretty extroverted guy, in retrospect I suppose he had his issues.

 

[domedune]

as i am on my way out i have been telling those near me as a heads up and no one seems to think i am serious. everyone calls me manipulative like they called that 14 year old girl manipulative. i have lost those i love and i wish i got a heads up, so i am doing my best to provide closure to those who will need it.

Normie culture around suicide is so fucked. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't tell anyone they'll say "I wish I could have helped", "I wish I could of said goodbye", "I wish they would have reached out to me", or "They were always so happy". If you do tell people they'll say you're being manipulative, trying to get attention, etc. If you die, you're selfish. If you live, you were trying to get attention and you're selfish. If suicide is so damn selfish then why do pro-lifers always make it about them? "They wanted my attention", they say. "They wanted to hurt me," they say.

I'm sorry about what people are saying to you, and what they said about that poor girl.

 

[Seiba]

when i was 14 my best friend and the first girl i loved attempted suicide and texted me. i rushed to her place to find her and help the medics move her body. she lived, but succeeded a few years later after we had lost touch. i suspected she had a lot of sexual trauma but we never talked about it.

at the time i was very young and distraught. it caused a lot of problems for me throughout high school. all the adults in my life said if she really wanted to do it she wouldn't have texted me and they told me to cut her out of my life because she was dramatic and mentally unwell. she lied a lot and had other problems but i still loved her.

as i am on my way out i have been telling those near me as a heads up and no one seems to think i am serious. everyone calls me manipulative like they called that 14 year old girl manipulative. i have lost those i love and i wish i got a heads up, so i am doing my best to provide closure to those who will need it.

I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong, though hearing that might mean little. It's a sad case many people are shitty to suicidal regardless of what they do. It was very caring and risky to even bother giving them a head ups, and they threw it back in your face.

 

[ryaan]

when people say it is manipulative to talk about suicidality it only makes me feel like i have to prove i am being honest by following through - the alternative is being seen as attention seeking and manipulative, neither of which i am trying to be. it makes me feel forced to kill myself when i don't really feel ready yet, but waking up to everyone hating me feels like torture.

i'm just tired of being led on and lied to and traumatized. there isn't much more to it.

a lot of people i considered friends tell me they are here for me but when i'm sad it's like i don't matter. i'm a pretty motivated and happy person (my coworkers joked i was the heart of our department because i seem really happy always). but i don't think life is for me anymore and i'd rather go out on a higher note, you know? i only find sustainability in helping others but there comes a time i need help, and i am never given it.

 

[suicidesheep31]

One of my uncle did partial hanging in his car.
One of my aunt threw her car from the road.
My grand-ma wanted several time jump in water with her children and die. But she didn't.
One friend by OD and the father of my ex-bf by full hanging.
I have been only affected by the two last one. I witnessed the last and I still have some flashbacks when I don't feel well.

 

[ihatemylife]

My brother. I understand how one can get to that point.

 

[paininme]

My fiancé, the world fell silent after that

 

[miminkpo]

My mother did. She was a heroin addict, who tried most of her life to get out of addiction, mostly for her two sons because everyone left her alone. For the most part, when I was a child I could empathyse but it also made me feel at fault. My brother and I were the last supporting pillars she had. I was then 9ys old and a trouble-maker just making everything harder for my mom. You can bet I felt the responsability crushing me when it happened. I actually knew the moment she didn't reply to any of my calls that she was dead. However, I wouldn't imagine she had committed suicide... to me, she was the stronger person in my life; to me, even if there was always and air of sadness to her I could only think of her as a beam of sunshine.
I never resented her for doing it, oddly enough. I've always felt she had the reasons. What it made me hate instead, were all the people who could've helped her and didn't. My family no longer even pretended to care. Even the ambulance that was called left her to die. She was conscious when they came and she said no. ''She's over 18, we can't go against her will''.

Now I'm in the same position as her, wanting to die. I've always felt a special connection to my mom, so it's not a surprise to me that I've taken on her wish. And I don't even know if I want to reunite with her, if that were possible... because I'm not even sure if I could face her. I am sorry, mom. There could've been a happy ending for us, as a family.

 

[come to dust]

One of my uncle did partial hanging in his car.
One of my aunt threw her car from the road.
My grand-ma wanted several time jump in water with her children and die. But she didn't.
One friend by OD and the father of my ex-bf by full hanging.
I have been only affected by the two last one. I witnessed the last and I still have some flashbacks when I don't feel well.

amazing how some people are exposed to so many suicides, and others none.

No one around me ctbs. It's so taboo here. Me ctbing would definitely create some shockwaves

 

[destiny]

One of my high school teachers, Hans.

I got constantly bullied and when I inevitably snapped I was always the one getting in trouble. Ultimately this led to the dean wanting to expell me permanently. Hans was the only one fighting for me. He made sure I could still take the final exams and get my diploma. I liked the guy.

A few years later there was a big local news story. Hans and his wive had committed suicide. Turns out his wive had been depressed for years, and they decided to ctb together. When I heard the news I was just happy for them. At that point I wasn't close to him, if I was I would have probably also been a little sad. I sometimes wonder if his mental struggles are what made him relate and fight for me. Interestingly, he was a chemistry teacher, so had access to a lab and supplies. I wonder if he cooked up something nice like N.