Discussion Have any of you already "killed" your past self?

[Naked Weapon]

For a number of reasons, I started to bear the guilt of a murder I did not commit: one against my past self. I look at photos of them and see something so blissful, a person who's desires to CTB were nothing more than fleeting thoughts about what happens when one dies. It's almost as though that person is a sibling; not me and yet so attached. That other me cannot have experienced the terrible things I have now been consumed by. That other me could sleep and laugh and dream and indulge. I do none of this, therefore I have transformed into someone else. Sure there's a gender component given that I am trans, but this scenario goes a step further. I only want to protect who I was.

In dreams I hold that younger me and we cry together. I tell them that they just have to wait. Someday soon I'll take my pain away and join them across the great divide. In order to protect them from recognition of abuse, a growing obsession with death, the horror of growing into a body they did not want, and the realisation that they were ill with things that have no cure, I killed them and, willingly, accept my final judgment.

 

[wagner2029]

I have all the songs I listened to when I was a child and teenager, today I listen to them and remember what I dreamed of back then, as if I traveled to the past knowing what the future was like.
I feel something bad, I don't feel that separation that you feel, but everyone has a cross to bear.

 

[Buh-bye!]

i wish for you good luck mate/
as for killing my past self, i have killed all the better sides of me but with each day comes the doubt that maybe i was just disillusioned or sumn. as in, i wasn't really different person back then either, maybe i was just pretending to be someone else to fit in with the society, trying to touch that raised bar. maybe it's nostalgia and the thought of having sumn cheerful in my memories that make me think like my past self was a better version of me. all i know right now is that this idea of death was surely going to come to me one day or the other because that's the person who i always was gonna grow up into, i couldn't have changed that. it wasn't really change, it was growth ig. although even killing the memories, i try that everyday but i am not sure if i'm there yet. it's not difficult but it sure is a long process. and sometimes no matter how good you erase your memories, just by a mere reflection of sumn- it all comes back.

 

[tbroken]

I did, but my scars are worst than i thought. We are trapped in this crappy system ofc, but imagine to be trapped even deeper and to be forced in an even worst prison due to an injury and the ignorance of the people that surround you.
When i escaped the prison i did the best that i could with my mind and body, but in the end i was already broken, my mind and my body were tired, and now I'm in prison again.
I was young and scared, i could not do better, i just could not. The thing that I regret the most is that I even socialized with the jailers when i was depressed. I cannot forget this. I will do the worst, i will not let them eat the best part of me.

 

[sserafim]

Life killed my past self, not me