oziinnz
Member
- Mar 23, 2022
- 54
I'm ordering N to nz and it's going to likely take upto 2 months from other reports. I really don't know if I can wait that long evrry day feels like forever.
My sister who was my only sibling ctb end of last year.
I have moved back and been living with my mum.
Not working. Done nothing everyday. I've had no work or money pressure on me but even being alive is doing my head in. I hate every minute since she died. I hate breathing. I hate waking up. I hate going to sleep. I want to die so bad. I hate doing nothing but I hate doing anything. I wish i could just be asleep 20 hours of 24.
I've had a rope with me the last 3 months. I'm really really scared of the feeling of hanging, it was how my beautiful sis ctb. I just cannot imagine being brave enough to step off a stool or chair.
But it's getting unbearable. I know that other family are starting to wonder what I'm doing. Thinking I need to be doing things and working and keeping busy. I haven't wanted to see anyone no friends or family I have absolutely no desire. Ive been avoiding everyone and not going to change that. Seeing everyone just reminds me how fucked it is that she's gone. I don't know how I can get away with doing nothing and everyone knowing I'm at my mums doing nothing for another 2 months. No one can force me to do anything but even knowing what they'll be thinking that and trying to get me to do things makes me feel even more like I need to escape this horrible life that is fucked up beyond repair.
I wonder if I should just fucking do it. Just hang myself. Once I step off the stool it's too late, I'm sure the pain and feeling is horrible but it's can't last forever.
I know that it's likely to deficate but can eyes, nose or mouth have blood come out?
i also feel bad about having my mum see my in a way that is very traumatic which is why I thought taking N, not only is it a peaceful death but i won't look so horrific as I would with hanging, so that image wouldnt be so bad for my mum and family who have been through it with my sister.
I hate myself so much for failing at even trying to help my sister enough. That's a long story but I will never feel anything but horror that she is gone forever and disgusted that I didn't do more to look after her and show her more love and support.
I don't need anyone to say not to blame myself because that won't change and I am to blame in lots of ways.
I just needed to get it out. Living is getting more repulsive and irritating to me every day.
My sister who was my only sibling ctb end of last year.
I have moved back and been living with my mum.
Not working. Done nothing everyday. I've had no work or money pressure on me but even being alive is doing my head in. I hate every minute since she died. I hate breathing. I hate waking up. I hate going to sleep. I want to die so bad. I hate doing nothing but I hate doing anything. I wish i could just be asleep 20 hours of 24.
I've had a rope with me the last 3 months. I'm really really scared of the feeling of hanging, it was how my beautiful sis ctb. I just cannot imagine being brave enough to step off a stool or chair.
But it's getting unbearable. I know that other family are starting to wonder what I'm doing. Thinking I need to be doing things and working and keeping busy. I haven't wanted to see anyone no friends or family I have absolutely no desire. Ive been avoiding everyone and not going to change that. Seeing everyone just reminds me how fucked it is that she's gone. I don't know how I can get away with doing nothing and everyone knowing I'm at my mums doing nothing for another 2 months. No one can force me to do anything but even knowing what they'll be thinking that and trying to get me to do things makes me feel even more like I need to escape this horrible life that is fucked up beyond repair.
I wonder if I should just fucking do it. Just hang myself. Once I step off the stool it's too late, I'm sure the pain and feeling is horrible but it's can't last forever.
I know that it's likely to deficate but can eyes, nose or mouth have blood come out?
i also feel bad about having my mum see my in a way that is very traumatic which is why I thought taking N, not only is it a peaceful death but i won't look so horrific as I would with hanging, so that image wouldnt be so bad for my mum and family who have been through it with my sister.
I hate myself so much for failing at even trying to help my sister enough. That's a long story but I will never feel anything but horror that she is gone forever and disgusted that I didn't do more to look after her and show her more love and support.
I don't need anyone to say not to blame myself because that won't change and I am to blame in lots of ways.
I just needed to get it out. Living is getting more repulsive and irritating to me every day.
