Venting Hate the question

[metothemoon]

I always hate the question when my T asks me "why are you still alive?" Or "why did you not go through?" When I tell her I am suicidal as f*ck and can't take life anymore. Or when I tell I wanted to attempt.
It always makes me feel like a failure and then this voice in my head shows up saying: you should have just done it.
I do not have a good reason for being alive, other than me being just a coward.

Can anyone relate?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't have a therapist but I always feel like a failure. Haven't attempted in a long time tho.

 

[SuicIdiot]

I agree. Like I don't know, because I'm weak. Because I got scared. What is the right answer? What are you looking for from me? They want me to uncover some big, deep down, unconscious, secret reason I have inside of me that keeps me alive. That's not it. Someone walked into the house. The rope broke. Shit happens and those questions honestly start a "watch this" attitiude in me.

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

I feel like when people ask me why I'm still here, it's always meant to encourage me to start listing people, places or things that I am still holding on for but every time, my only answer is fear. I'm scared of death but at the same time I crave it. It's hard to explain so I always end up saying "I dont know" and leaving the conversation there then feeling disappointed with myself for not just doing it. Ive tried to CTB a couple of times and I'm scared of failing again so I just wont try it one more time...so yeah, I get it. It goes deep yk.

 

[DeathSleep]

I feel like a failure. I remember my therapist asking me if i had changed my mind and that was why I didn't go through with my last attempt. I told her I didn't change my mind but I didn't have a good answer for her as to why I am still here.

 

[chester]

I told mine "survival instinct". I see no shame in admitting it and no purpose in trying to rationalize it. It is what it is.

 

[OnlyOneSolution]

...It always makes me feel like a failure and then this voice in my head shows up saying: you should have just done it.
I do not have a good reason for being alive, other than me being just a coward.

Can anyone relate?

Meet a fellow coward.

I tried the OD method because I wanted it to be easy... Failure...Woke up on a respirator.
I knew a man whose gun barrel was slightly askew. He disfigured one side of his face and affected his vision and speech...Failure.
I knew a woman who jumped off a bridge into rushing water...Success.
Drowning, burning, hanging...I perceive suffering during the process.

I am still here for the same reason as you.

 

[CannotAnymore]

I always hate the question when my T asks me "why are you still alive?" Or "why did you not go through?" When I tell her I am suicidal as f*ck and can't take life anymore. Or when I tell I wanted to attempt.
It always makes me feel like a failure and then this voice in my head shows up saying: you should have just done it.
I do not have a good reason for being alive, other than me being just a coward.

Can anyone relate?

You need to change your therapist. Like What the fuck kind of question is that?!?!

 

[Toxinebulaic]

I know the question all too well. For me, the answer to the question is kind of "nobody has any reason to be alive, but life is a finite resource. Why would I waste it if something good could come of it?" If not for that I might be a bit more brave and just kill myself.
I don't know though. I kind of want to have some sort of impact, even if it's stupid or contrived or just so small as to be insignificant so that at least I didn't wholly waste the resource. At least there's something there for somebody more inspired than me to care about. Maybe that's naive.
We'll see how things turn out.

 

[charcoalcat]

This may sound controversial but I would like a Michelle Carter in my life right now.