Discussion Has depression and sorrow turned you into someone who's annoying to be around ?

[Cevapcici]

It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I found Tara Brach helpful.
Bit of a guru ? maybe .

The ideas she espouses about "loving kindness" towards oneself are a new thing for me .
I torrented a few audio books .

I do not believe in any innate goodness , I think humanity is trash ( thanks Freud ) but my stance now is that we can
choose a preferable "story".

I am a traumatized person , so the idea of treating myself with love was going against the grain ,
because "the truth" as I understood it was that I was shit. I lived that truth most of my life .

I also believe I performed a kind of OCD of negative self talk ... learnt from childhood ... so positive mantras may be a
way of changing that .

I'm sorry you're in this zone .
It is difficult to find any social support when you regard your self as toxic.

My opinion is that we kind of make this stuff up , based on our early life experience.
It feeds back and self reinforces.

I am hopeful that new behaviors / habits can begin to make some traction into the cycle.

Right now I'm too scared to do anything at all ... so I sympathize and certainly don't have all the answers.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

Yes.

 

[lmroch]

Self Compassion

​

 

[Cevapcici]

I also believe I performed a kind of OCD of negative self talk ... learnt from childhood ... so positive mantras may be a
way of changing that .

I'm sorry you're in this zone .
It is difficult to find any social support when you regard your self as toxic.

My opinion is that we kind of make this stuff up , based on our early life experience.
It feeds back and self reinforces.

I am hopeful that new behaviors / habits can begin to make some traction into the cycle.

Right now I'm too scared to do anything at all ... so I sympathize and certainly don't have all the answers.

Thank you for your recommendation, I just looked her up on YouTube, all this stuff sounds very interesting. I'm sorry to hear you're stuck in negative self talk due to unprocessed trauma.

You're probably right, and changing your relationship to your surroundings comes from within, and self acceptance.

You know , as much as I've tried all this self-care, and self compassion stuff in the past, although learning to love yourself and forgive yourself can provide great help, it can sometimes lead to... overindulgence ( at least it's what where I ended up with its , I might have done it wrong ) .

I've been stuck in this cycle of " there's nothing wrong with me and I'm going to be accepting my mediocrity. "

There's a time in our lives where we need to face our bad actions, acknowledge our mistakes , and figure out means of changing our existing destructive and self destructive patterns... without beating your ourselves about it...and that's where I'm at (or at least I'm trying). I regard myself as toxic, because well, factually , I'm not proud of certain things I've done in the past, and I catch myself indulging in behaviours that simply make me face parts of myself that...I'm not comfortable with (aka my "shadow"). No one is 100% pure and unreproachable... Having been raised by a narcissist, I know I inherited some narcissistic traits. I've done some pretty fucked up stuff, trust me, I'm no angel - there's no way around it.

Witnessing what depression , despair, envy, can look like from the outside and turn one into ...with a now former friend (yes, I had to walk away) made me question myself a lot. And I'm thankful for it.

I will look into Tara Brach and what she has to say upon the following days. Thank you for what you brought to the table , and I really hope you can unlearn all that negative stuff from your childhood and build up your self esteem♥

Self Compassion

​

Thank you, I really love School of Life , I've been subscribed to them for a few years now ! I'm sleepy , but I'm adding this stuff up to my playlist so I will look it up tomorrow.
I'm ending this shitty day with a good feeling... *Hug *

 

[Hexen]

It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.

You and me are in a similiar situation. I have no idea how to work through this too. Like you, I looked into certain stuff that could help in some way like stoicism but I realized that I already operate as a stoic but I am still so fucked in the head from the anxiety and sadness. The only way out is to climb out of the hole however I have no clue how to do that. I have become a very angry, depressed, anxious person.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I find it's mostly the opposite, feeling those things makes me feel like everyone around me is annoying.

 

[ctbUniquectb]

yeah school of life is the bomb

meaning to binge them tomorrow, instead of jumping off a bridge

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I thought I would respond again , thanks for your reply ,...

I recently decided that I was "Emotionally Unstable" ( I have never been diagnosed with any psychiatric disorder other than alcoholism ... and that was a very light piece of counseling and 'advice' ... as I went to the doctor demanding happy pills after thirty years of adult misery )

Anyway , I "present" as intelligent and am verbally lucid ( salesman level ) , so people just don't get how unhinged I am. They listen to me and see me fuck up and can't add the two up .

Neither could I .

I see now I had no way of controlling my emotional responses . I would experience trauma flashbacks in everyday life dealing with the normal friction in the work place , also I would signify work-mates as replacement parents and toxic power brokers from the past and give them way too much power over my feelings.

It's taken me years to model this stuff.
I saw a counselor four years ago and they kind of 'got it ' but no traction was made with the issues.


I hear you very clearly about going over board on self acceptance ... yeah , we can still throw a small positive change in there without persecuting ourselves.
I kind of let my brother go over the last two years ... he is another 'dad and mum' and seems to get off on my failure . Maybe that is paranoia ... all I know is what I refer to as "intimate indifference" when I'm talking with him - seemingly zero emotional interaction .

It isn't all in our heads in some ways ... the world is a very toxic place and accepting that and dealing with it is a huge challenge . I ran away three years ago and I have to get back ... hopefully this time with a little more self knowlege so I don't let the world ' fuck with me ' . I can maybe ride out flashbacks and stop projecting onto people .

Also - to authentically enjoy what I enjoy without some toxic inner slime negating even pleasure .
It's a shitty head space .

Anyway , sorry for bombing your thread with my own shit ... but I do relate to your very focused self analysis .

I used to be an art jock ... I lost the faith , but some kind of meaningful traction with expression is a good thing .

There is something else on my mind ... like analysis paralysis ? We can sometimes over load on all this "fixing ourselves"
stuff ?
Sometimes I just long for a non toxic job and a decent larder and a few wines with a movie and do it all again tomorrow.
But it always seems like a huge virtue mountain needs to be scaled just to get out of the door !

Probably the best thing that happened to me in a few years was a christmas dinner at my local shop ... I was invited and
had a good time 'fucked up and all ' - the shop keeper and I have candid mental health conversations .

It is very good to be accepted as having 'mental trouble ' instead of the usual "spiritual cancer fear " ( I might catch it ... shut up ... alienate , reject , etc ).

I really should be doing other things than raving on the internet .... but I guess this is me acting out or procrastinating or whatever .

I've been threatening myself with a martial arts class ... the horror 1
some of those guys can be toxic arses ... but it's that positive self building habit I need to install .

Also ... the fighting and violence is possibly against our faults and poor character traits ? A war against the 'shadow' ?

( I've never thought about my shadow as being just the bum , maybe I should .)

The best thing I ever did was "something" .
It was wrong .

But it was something. ( ugly glib pseudo koan to conclude .)

 

[BabyYoda]

Unfortunately yes. See my thread here https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/story-reaching-out.29790/

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Yup. Thats why I avoid people ... fuck it

 

[antivita]

If I'm in a depressive funk I get easily annoyed which makes me come off grumpy/bitchy. But generally depression and anxiety have made me insecure, so I just need a lot of validation - which isn't pleasant to be around.

 

[Cevapcici]

I thought I would respond again , thanks for your reply ,...

I recently decided that I was "Emotionally Unstable" ( I have never been diagnosed with any psychiatric disorder other than alcoholism ... and that was a very light piece of counseling and 'advice' ... as I went to the doctor demanding happy pills after thirty years of adult misery )

Anyway , I "present" as intelligent and am verbally lucid ( salesman level ) , so people just don't get how unhinged I am. They listen to me and see me fuck up and can't add the two up .

Neither could I .

I see now I had no way of controlling my emotional responses . I would experience trauma flashbacks in everyday life dealing with the normal friction in the work place , also I would signify work-mates as replacement parents and toxic power brokers from the past and give them way too much power over my feelings.

It's taken me years to model this stuff.
I saw a counselor four years ago and they kind of 'got it ' but no traction was made with the issues.


I hear you very clearly about going over board on self acceptance ... yeah , we can still throw a small positive change in there without persecuting ourselves.
I kind of let my brother go over the last two years ... he is another 'dad and mum' and seems to get off on my failure . Maybe that is paranoia ... all I know is what I refer to as "intimate indifference" when I'm talking with him - seemingly zero emotional interaction .

It isn't all in our heads in some ways ... the world is a very toxic place and accepting that and dealing with it is a huge challenge . I ran away three years ago and I have to get back ... hopefully this time with a little more self knowlege so I don't let the world ' fuck with me ' . I can maybe ride out flashbacks and stop projecting onto people .

Also - to authentically enjoy what I enjoy without some toxic inner slime negating even pleasure .
It's a shitty head space .

Anyway , sorry for bombing your thread with my own shit ... but I do relate to your very focused self analysis .

I used to be an art jock ... I lost the faith , but some kind of meaningful traction with expression is a good thing .

There is something else on my mind ... like analysis paralysis ? We can sometimes over load on all this "fixing ourselves"
stuff ?
Sometimes I just long for a non toxic job and a decent larder and a few wines with a movie and do it all again tomorrow.
But it always seems like a huge virtue mountain needs to be scaled just to get out of the door !

Probably the best thing that happened to me in a few years was a christmas dinner at my local shop ... I was invited and
had a good time 'fucked up and all ' - the shop keeper and I have candid mental health conversations .

It is very good to be accepted as having 'mental trouble ' instead of the usual "spiritual cancer fear " ( I might catch it ... shut up ... alienate , reject , etc ).

I really should be doing other things than raving on the internet .... but I guess this is me acting out or procrastinating or whatever .

I've been threatening myself with a martial arts class ... the horror 1
some of those guys can be toxic arses ... but it's that positive self building habit I need to install .

Also ... the fighting and violence is possibly against our faults and poor character traits ? A war against the 'shadow' ?

( I've never thought about my shadow as being just the bum , maybe I should .)

The best thing I ever did was "something" .
It was wrong .

But it was something. ( ugly glib pseudo koan to conclude .)

Do not apologize for sharing your experience, it's part of this community, and it's always interesting to know how someone else can deal with the same symptoms/problems as you. You're venting because you need it, you deserve a place where you attempt to find closure. As for your brother , if you feel like he doesn't like to see you thriving, know that your feelings are valid and he probably gave you non verbal, behavioural cues about it . The truth always lies in between the worst hypothetical scenario that we make up in our minds, and the best hypothetical scenario, (the kind of scenario a person filled with toxic positivity would perceive as plausible)....

I also thought of enrolling in a martial arts club ( in fact, I've been promising to myself that I would do it for 5 years... ) and yes, violent sports can serve a very cathartic purpose - you said it right, it's also about fighting our own demons.

I also am very good at " disappointing" people because there's a gap between how I present myself and how I end up acting, this has closed many doors for me . I've managed to fuck up my reputation almost everywhere I ever made an appearance. I wish my actions and behaviours would reflect more of who I am on the inside.

The bum , in my opinion, Is what an ill-managed shadow turns you into, when you turn your predatory force, inherent to any human being, against yourself ...

Any attempt to " fix yourself " is worth it, there is no " wrong way of doing it " ...it's good as long as it works, and what might work is different for everybody else

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I don't think it's made me annoying. I tend to be rather quiet around most people, so probably more boring than anything else.

Rather than being mopey, I tend to mask it with dark humour, and that seems to distract people enough.

 

[Cevapcici]

Unfortunately yes. See my thread here https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/story-reaching-out.29790/

Hey babyyoda, I feel like your situation with "person B" there is a little bit more delicate, it's more about how this person fails to deal with disappointment about their own magical abilities to solve other people's issues, and fails to acknowledge his own limitations , and blames it on you . I get that you might have been not very cheery-dovey to be around, but he knew what he was getting into, and offered some crooked, unprofessional help, and although I might agree that sometimes it's better than nothing, but he should have known what he had to offer might not work for you. It sounds like it's a childish, entitled person, with "white knight" syndrome who treated you like a personal experiment.

People should not offer help if they're not ready to fail at it, and belittle you in the process.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

The bum , in my opinion, Is what an ill-managed shadow turns you into, when you turn your predatory force, inherent to any human being, against yourself ...

Thats a nice incite . cheers

 

[WhiteDespair]

It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.

Yep. I push people away when they try to get close to me.

Check out Acetyl L Carnetine (supplement) as it's supposed to help with anxiety. I have had positive results from it.

Prozac and zyprexa seem to be working for me. Or, it's the Carnetine.

Main thing is to realize when you're engaging in the behaviors and act differently.

 

[BabyYoda]

Hey babyyoda, I feel like your situation with "person B" there is a little bit more delicate, it's more about how this person fails to deal with disappointment about their own magical abilities to solve other people's issues, and fails to acknowledge his own limitations , and blames it on you . I get that you might have been not very cheery-dovey to be around, but he knew what he was getting into, and offered some crooked, unprofessional help, and although I might agree that sometimes it's better than nothing, but he should have known what he had to offer might not work for you. It sounds like it's a childish, entitled person, with "white knight" syndrome who treated you like a personal experiment.

People should not offer help if they're not ready to fail at it, and belittle you in the process.

I see. I thought I was overreacting at that time.

 

[SnowWhite]

This a very good question, and I'm glad to see everybody sharing their experiences and how it's affecting their social life.

I think, especially in the last two years, my 'friends' see me as a bummer to be around. So not particularly annoying, but more as a bit of a bad-vibe to be around. Probably due to the fact I'm quite reserved whereas they're all quite loud and boisterous. One of the worst moments for me was when one of my longest friends/ex, who is one of the few people I actually consider to be kinda close to, 'forgot' to invite me to a gathering she'd been organising between two of her social circles. At that time, I hadn't been out of the house for at least a month and she must of got the impression that I just wasn't hanging out with her anymore.
In many ways I'm kinda glad it happened, as it made me realise how much I'd pushed away some of the only friends I have, and while I'm still finding it hard to let them back in, I at least feel like there are one or two people I can talk to semi-openly about what's going in my head.

 

[Cevapcici]

I find it's mostly the opposite, feeling those things makes me feel like everyone around me is annoying.

Well, being irritated all the time by everyone is part of what makes us a downer to be around unfortunately :(

I've recently caught myself leaving the line in a supermarket , mumbling something, because I got fed up by an old lady who was paying in change and taking ages to count her coins. But ...I mean seriously, it's not her fault my life is shit.

 

[Mr2005]

Not annoying, depressing

 

[mathieu]

Probably. I hide it from most, but not my mother. Everyone else I put on a happy face.

 

[shoganai]

I feel like a huge burden and nuisance. I've lost friends because of depression; they just can't handle it (understandable) and leave. I've managed to keep a few close friends and somehow keep a lot of acquaintances but it feels like it's only a matter of time before they drop me too. I wish they would because I really should be alone.

I feel annoying for even posting on here. I don't have any issues tp warrant these feelings, how dare I come on here. I'm not in a severe depression, I can still function (barely); I'm not actively suicidal. I don't even belong here.

Ugh. I feel like a stupid whiny brat but I'm just answering the question so

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

Yes. I'm angry often due to frustration and PTSD and repeat myself constantly. I have blackouts and can't remember what I've said but have to piece it together because even when people know it, they don't seem to accept it on some fundamental level. I'm constantly playing being a private eye to figure out what I've done and said.

When I talk (or am required to talk) it's annoying and meandering like this is likely to be. Even therapists hate listening, and they're paid to. Had one therapist fall asleep a few times and tell me I ramble in an annoying stream of thought way. I also sometimes don't make sense. Didn't used to be this way but years of re-trauma left me worse. Can't stop myself, and I try really hard. I also get furious if I need to communicate something and I suddenly forget all the words. Simple words like "table". And it scares me, so I tend to lash out (but I"m getting better at that).

The only people I've talked to for the last years outside my apartment are bureaucrats, therapists, doctors, social security judges -who make a habit of causing extra harm and cause new cycles in my mind over this never ending puzzle. Even though there's no fix, and honestly a lot of things that caused it couldn't be prevented, it won't rest. Also, my mind has a terrible time coming to grips with every day commonplace corruption even though I can handle big government corruption like how we have no privacy and we just have to live in a state of unsafety much better. I have nightmares about the rest every time I sleep-there's no break. Even though I now know it's not fixable past present or future- my mind keeps cranking away at it. Always. It's like living in an unending hell, which leaves me not exactly a breath of fresh air.

I'm on an endless loop.

I hope your situation gets better.

 

[Cevapcici]

Yes. I'm angry often due to frustration and PTSD and repeat myself constantly. I have blackouts and can't remember what I've said but have to piece it together because even when people know it, they don't seem to accept it on some fundamental level. I'm constantly playing being a private eye to figure out what I've done and said.

When I talk (or am required to talk) it's annoying and meandering like this is likely to be. Even therapists hate listening, and they're paid to. Had one therapist fall asleep a few times and tell me I ramble in an annoying stream of thought way. I also sometimes don't make sense. Didn't used to be this way but years of re-trauma left me worse. Can't stop myself, and I try really hard. I also get furious if I need to communicate something and I suddenly forget all the words. Simple words like "table". And it scares me, so I tend to lash out (but I"m getting better at that).

All too relatable - except I don't see any therapist. Brokeness attracts more destruction, and emotional flashbacks or being in a state of panic/anxiety can be interpreted as being rude. Best thing not to be picked on is to hide your weak mental state, but how can I do this when I can't even talk properly ? I thought I could improve by taking acting classes to work on my posture, voice tone, ect... but I'm too broke for it, and it's probably gonna last a long time - so I'm left with being constantly over-vigilant and trying to be self aware at every second, which makes everything very difficult.

 

[BlueWidow]

I have no idea if I'm annoying to be around but I can tell you that everyone else sure the hell is! All the people IRL are annoying to me right now. I'm perfectly happy being left alone. If people would just start minding their own damn business, things would be perfect.

I guess that probably means I am annoying to be around now because this year I've decided to start giving back what I get. No more pretending I'm fine when I'm not. No more holding it together for the sake of other people. Fuck other people! They can all kiss my ass! There, is that annoying enough for ya!

 

[TAW122]

I'd say, I've always been the type people just don't like to hang out with. I suppose it might be a little bit due to looks, but then also due to my Aspergers and autistic behavior that subconsciously drives people away, or is off-putting to them.

 

[Cevapcici]

I'd say, I've always been the type people just don't like to hang out with. I suppose it might be a little bit due to looks, but then also due to my Aspergers and autistic behavior that subconsciously drives people away, or is off-putting to them.

I'm sorry to hear that. Being on the autistic spectrum can make socialization very difficult,indeed. But saying you're "the type people just don't like to hang out with " is a very self-flagellating way of phrasing your experience. There are numerous types of people, who have numerous expectations - you might simply have not found "your niche " and "a crew where you belong" in life... happens all the time....even to people who seemingly enjoy their social life !

 

[Backwood_tilt]

No, but it will if I'm alive much longer. People only have so much emotional capacity to deal with someone else's problems. Doesn't matter how close you are.

I'm pretty competent at socializing but it's even starting to get hard for me to hide it in group settings or events, etc.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

All too relatable - except I don't see any therapist. Brokeness attracts more destruction, and emotional flashbacks or being in a state of panic/anxiety can be interpreted as being rude. Best thing not to be picked on is to hide your weak mental state, but how can I do this when I can't even talk properly ? I thought I could improve by taking acting classes to work on my posture, voice tone, ect... but I'm too broke for it, and it's probably gonna last a long time - so I'm left with being constantly over-vigilant and trying to be self aware at every second, which makes everything very difficult.

I hear you. Especially on the rude part and on attracting more destruction. Right now my life is a complete mess because I keep trying to fix the things that are going to make us homeless in October. The people who are supposed to help you create havoc anyway, but add it to that I'm scared they'll do me like I've seen them do to others and that I've had bad experiences with multiple agencies...

If someone doesn't like you they don't have to do their job and as time goes on you find out charities are worse because you're their product not someone to actually aid. They sell the idea of that they helped you to dupes who give them money either through government grants or well meaning people.

I don't know if it'll be more annoying for me to say this or helpful, but:
Voice tone:

and


Posture with weights:

Posture without weights:

And there are more (maybe better ones).

I had a psychologist for a while but when my insurance went, so did that. I was making slight improvements but he said I'd never be "cured". When the state ended my medicaid, I couldn't continue.

If you're in the US, you can get free therapy, but it's likely going to be useless. Search for "Training Clinic" or "Community Health Center" in your area. Just about everywhere (not in heavily rural areas) has a place that takes you on a sliding scale or free if you're low enough. Word of warning though, if you get a sadistic one or one that's just not trained well, they can really damage you (not just mentally, they can take over your life). Check out their reviews and BBB ratings for scary stories before going in and even then know some of these places know how to have bad google reviews deleted.

I recognize I just tried to help fix something you didn't ask for help on. Please forgive. I have very few things in my life I can do to aid anyone. Leaves me jumping at the chance which is also annoying.