Venting Has anyone broke you?

[Crushed_Innocence]

Yes. My infamous BOY FROM LAST SUMMER he is the one who brought me here the proverbial straw that broke this camels back. I never knew how a mental breakdown could be like. It was an utter and complete inner implosion.. like the collapse of the twin towers, the most painful both physically, mentally, emotionally.. excruciating suffering.... Im not stronger because of it but weaker and bitter as fuck. I will love him & hate him till I take my last breath.... I think of him day & night.... I am oficially ruined.

 

[NerdyNihilist]

Yeah, my aunt did.

After my dad passed away, she had this delusion that she could take control of our family.
She'd be stalking us with phone calls literally every morning and evening, asking us what we were doing, bombarding us with her marital problems as if we could do anything about it... We never asked for any of that.
Whenever we told her that we were too busy to listen to her, or that we just wanted to be left alone for a moment, no matter how polite we let it come across, she'd go berserk. Typically, she would blame all of her problems on us and tell us how "ungrateful" we are and that we don't deserve any more of her so-called "love". This has been going on for many years. If we decided to change our numbers, she would call everyone and their mother in the country just to get ahold of our new phone numbers so she could keep on stalking us.
I truly do believe she's the main reason why I'm dealing with constant mood swings. It's come to the point where I wanted to CTB, just so I wouldn't have to put up with her anymore. Yeah, try to be "grateful" or happy with all this chaos around you.
All of this has seriously messed up my view on humanity as a whole. How the fuck am I supposed to trust anybody if I can't even trust my own family?

As of now, it's been a few years since we've had contact, and I still almost get a panic attack whenever I hear a phone ringing.
(Even if it isn't mine...)

 

[Emily123]

Someone broke me again . it seems that everything leads me to ctb by SN . I decided a few weeks ago to do another surgery and I talked with a surgeon . He told me the only thing that I need to do to confirm the surgery appointment is buying a plain ticket(he is in another country) , I bought a ticket and sent it to him but hhe decided to not response my messages anymore . Cancelation of the ticket costs a lot . I don't know if he was crazy or drunk when he told me to buy a ticket . I feel so disappointed . All my shitty life is like this .

 

[MourningHeart]

Has someone messed with your mind so bad that they ended up breaking you apart. Ever since I met them I havent been the same, they tore my brain apart. They kept loving and hating me to the point my brain just broke. I dont know who I am, i dont feel real, I feel like an entity that's here just to create. I attempted last night, it did workout well I wouldn't call it an attempt more of a practice. They ruined me I was so.much happier before I met them. I was in a dark place, but they sent me to a place even darker, a place where I wont come put alive. My heart is turning cold, my empathy is going away, my emotions are nothing and I'm losing interest in life itself. Who am I? How did i get here? I dont know anymore, I just need to keep creating, my self is going to vanish soon. Love is dangerous and unempathetic, love can destroy your whole psyche. Especially at the hands of someone who wants your soul.

I'm sorry you have experienced that toxic relationships. I can relate with what you said, my very first girlfriend broke me apart like this.

I was warned about her but didnt listen and abandoned all of my friends, family and life, since a loving relationship was/is my highest dream. She loved 'me' (or rather my skills) so badly, wants to build me a shrine etc., i thought "is this even normal?" but at the same time she wanted to own every other man and kept flirting like theres no tomorrow (even if i was right beside her), it really hurt. I did not know what to do... i got so jealous! It was an up and down - until she finally cheated on and left me. She really is a true master of controlling the love of men around her.

Because of that I became a mental and emotional numb, unempathic, empty, joyless monster. Why did I even live, work, laugh, do all of this - when she left - what is my value? What am I for? What was my character? Who am I - or who do everyone want me to be? Before i had my own rules, morals which were so different from anyone else, i could identify because i was living, i lived individual. Nowadays I shift 'myself' for others and tried to socialize but i am no constant character anymore. Lost my hobbies, have no fun in nothing but i have to pretend to, i think everything is meaningless, people feel this and hate my for being a downer.

Now i unintended destroyed my second, 7 years lasting relationship with my wife. I was never able to overcome the distress and stayed a broken being in mind and character. I was so different before. And I did not manage to get better again, i tried since my wife gave me hope and made me really happy but every now and then myself changed to this crippled monster. Im embarrased of myself and i am sorry for my wife - what have i just done... I wished I have met her long before and never my first girlfriend. This toxic 'love' destroyed 'myself'. I'm ashamed of my whole life so much there is nothing more left, not even any good of myself. Only an extremely anxious, angry, sad and weird boring piece of nothing.

Sorry for this long self-pity text. I was a silent person before. I learned that some broken people like me may tend to talk/write nonstop like this after that kind of 'trauma'. But maybe i wont be here long anymore and i somehow want anyone to know a bit of my true sh*t self.
Luckely this is a venting thread. My apologize, i'm sorry. Please dont be offended.

 

[icravedeath]

individuals categorized in the cluster b disorders (like for example psychopaths) manipulate by something called 'love bombing' in which the victim is idealized strongly followed by a phase of devaluation. it's like being on drugs: the drop is so fatal that the victim gets addicted rather quickly. After the abusive relationship, the victim feels empty, broken as if their identity was stolen from them. the abuser actually takes joy in watching the victim falling apart. cluster b people have a lack of empathy - they dont give a shit.
your description reminds me of this phenomena.

This is terrifying. And very true.

Masochists experience pure joy while the partner is abusing/controlling them, they love giving up autonomy because it is giving up responsibility.
They only hurt *after* the partner leaves/stops the abuse. Then it's all "look how they hurt me!"

Well, there are some people who do get abused and not leave because of low self-esteem though, and not because they find joy in it.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Yes. My wife did. She bullies me and uses everybody, including our daughter, as a tool foe her own sake. She's now my main reason to catch the bus.

 

[Meena]

Did he/she made you gaslighting?, made you feel like you are crazy? all was your fault and they made nothing wrong?

This happened to me. It is awful

No, I will not put my brokenness on any single person but myself. Some people have contributes, and I will mostly refer to my mother in my childhood here. If I had been raised secure, with any sense of love and self love, with any kind of problem solving skills or any kind of support towards independence, I would not be he here. I have tried to acquire all these skills later on, but no matter what I did-.. it changed nothing. I hit a crisis, and it broke me, because as soon as I faced losing someone I really love, I became the broken child again, no matter how hard I tried to keep the adult mindset I worked so hard on.
I was raised broken, I am broken. I will not put that on the head of the one I love.

What you are saying is so powerful and sad. I can relate.
You are not invisible anymore at least to me. I wish you luck and happiness