Hard to let go, it matters until it finally doesn’t

[Siamese Believe]

Does anyone go through this? I know I'm gonna be ending it. But I live as if that's not my intentions. Most seem to be numb and non-caring towards any responsibilities in their last days.

But I feel like I still care too much about things and I can't stop, I don't know why. Getting paperwork done, going to appointments, how I present, etc.

It just won't feel right if I stop doing everything. I feel like a great white shark, I can't stop moving or else I suffocate slowly and painfully. I have to keep swimming until the very end.

I wish I could bed rot, lose my appetite, and just relax like many of you, but I can't. I feel so much worse if I do completely nothing.

It also would force me to think more about my fears more if my brain isn't occupied, which is also painful.

I need to still live the life of someone who isn't gonna kill themselves until that moment comes where I act. That way I avoid the fear and existential crisis.

 

[glided~hydrangea]

Dude, this is so close to my exact situation as well. It's like, we KNOW we want to ctb, we KNOW that that's where we're going to end up, but it's as if the pressures of society and the standards at which we were brought up around don't really leave much room to actually have that sort of liberty to NOT do anything and neglect our responsibilities. Because as painful as it is for a lot of us who are struggling with these ideations (or perhaps even comforting for some), life really DOES move on, with or without us. The world still spins and the sun still sets and the work day always comes again and so on and so forth, I guess it's kind of a "luxury," for lack of a better term, (of course not actually, I'm not attempting to romanticize depression or mental illness or anything of the sorts as I myself suffer from several) to have the opportunity to neglect our perceived responsibilities.

Like I guess it's because although I don't admit it out loud, I really DO care a great deal about how I'm perceived by everyone around me and how I look and my appeal and appearance and such. I've spent so long building my life and reputation around this curation of outward perfection or at least seeming functionality, that I really feel as if I can't afford to just throw everything out the window. Like I've already suffered throughout life, that when it's my final few months, I don't want everyone's perception of me to go out the window. It's kind of strange, honestly. It's like I don't want to get off my high pedestal everyone puts me on but that's also the very thing that's making me want to die. I don't know lol, but I hope that maybe at least you could relate to some capacity! I hope you find some peace bro!