i was supposed to die today, yet here i am.
The thread is titled hanging failure but in truth its more of a me failure.
Heyhoherewego. no we dont
we dont go anywhere
I COULDNT STEP OFF MY TABLE ONCE.
that noose was around my neck for 30 minutes, i had spent 2 hours preparing the room, and 3-4 weeks preparing generally and coming to terms with it. reset my devices, wrote my notes
yet i still failed.
i think my mistake was waiting this long (all because i had to finish a damn book)
the fire inside had really fizzled out by the end. i no longer NEEDED to die. i was just disillusioned by life and living. And that is not enough motivation to hang yourself, trust me.
its not even the pain, i believe i had mitigated that aspect quite well. its just being aware of the facts. how you will lose conciousness while your body convules and spasms and your brain dies, followed by other parts of your body slowly giving out while you hang there. obviously you wont be feeling any of this, but the thought creeps up on you. when you feel yourself on the brink of passing out you stand up, and you dont even know why. ig thats why with full suspension you just go for it, but i was too chicken to do that.
after this i nearly went and told someone, so that they could stop me from ever having a chance again, but then, almost like it was god mocking me, my mother is having some random breakdown, my father is pissed off, i see reminders of the tests coming up which i had no intention of taking. I remember then that there was a reason i wanted to die.
so ive turned this whole experience around. this was simply my first go, and i got most of the mechanisms right, and im now more familiar with how it will feel. SI beat me today, but i will overcome it, eventually. it has to happen.
The thread is titled hanging failure but in truth its more of a me failure.
Heyhoherewego. no we dont
we dont go anywhere
I COULDNT STEP OFF MY TABLE ONCE.
that noose was around my neck for 30 minutes, i had spent 2 hours preparing the room, and 3-4 weeks preparing generally and coming to terms with it. reset my devices, wrote my notes
yet i still failed.
i think my mistake was waiting this long (all because i had to finish a damn book)
the fire inside had really fizzled out by the end. i no longer NEEDED to die. i was just disillusioned by life and living. And that is not enough motivation to hang yourself, trust me.
its not even the pain, i believe i had mitigated that aspect quite well. its just being aware of the facts. how you will lose conciousness while your body convules and spasms and your brain dies, followed by other parts of your body slowly giving out while you hang there. obviously you wont be feeling any of this, but the thought creeps up on you. when you feel yourself on the brink of passing out you stand up, and you dont even know why. ig thats why with full suspension you just go for it, but i was too chicken to do that.
after this i nearly went and told someone, so that they could stop me from ever having a chance again, but then, almost like it was god mocking me, my mother is having some random breakdown, my father is pissed off, i see reminders of the tests coming up which i had no intention of taking. I remember then that there was a reason i wanted to die.
so ive turned this whole experience around. this was simply my first go, and i got most of the mechanisms right, and im now more familiar with how it will feel. SI beat me today, but i will overcome it, eventually. it has to happen.
