Venting Had it all ready to go....

[ManicPanic2018]

So I have everything I needed to ctb this weekend. Had a week off work and surprisingly my housemate was going to be out of town for the weekend. I was a little apprehensive to leave so soon to start with but thought, fuck it, there's no reason to prolong my misery. I'll head out Saturday night.

Cue when my housemate was about to leave, I get the "l'm worried about you speech". She knows I've been actively suicidal for weeks but hasn't said a word till now. I tell her I'm fine and that to be honest, it's not her business. Long story short, she gives me an ultimatum. She calls my parents and explains her worries, or calls an ambulance on me.

Cue then my father travelling 2 hours to see me to see whats going on, and a heated discussion with my housemate when my dad leaves. She's cancelled her plans for the weekend out of fears for my safety, and I can't help but tell her I'm mad at her. Cue her calling my dad back in and me now on my way back to my family home with no attempt in near sight.

I feel like my death has been robbed from me. I had it all planned out, ready to go. Nice last meals to eat, my goodbye notes starting to form, the layout of my room that i will finally leave in. Gone. Because my housemate can't mind her fucking business.

I'm the blame to this. I should never have let my intentions slip. Let this be a lesson to never, ever tell anyone ANYTHING about your plans. These life attached fucks will do anything to keep you in their realm because they simply cannot deal with death.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Sounds like a hard blow to be dealt when you had come to a place of relative peace with your plans. Just my take but I'd be inclined to give both yourself a pass for being less than absolutely tight-lipped - feeling this way is awful and it shows how much you are struggling and perhaps do want to genuinely be helped (by which I mean more than interfered with) - as well as your housemate and family as they obviously care about you, even if their actions aren't in line with how you see a cessation to your troubles.

My housemates are either totally clueless or indifferent, even though I've let on to all three of them to varying degrees that I'm having a hard fucking time. They just go about their own lives as if business was usual and I almost feel invisible in the house, which is a pretty awful feeling for me. Most family members just halfheartedly ask what's wrong if I show signs, to which I give half-honest answers that are met with even more lukewarm receptions, either very hands off or totally prescriptive and no inquiring into the nature of my struggles at all. Not saying this is better or worse than your situation, just that even as it is I feel shit about it. At least we aren't being actively abused by any of these people (I hope).

Wishing things turn around for you one way or another

 

[Zegers]

and no inquiring into the nature of my struggles at all

It's the same for me, people are like "you look serious, are you ok?" yes, just my life has been falling apart for years and my aim is to km but it's all fine.

 

[Sick of it all]

That's why I only discuss my plans on here. If the people in my life knew of my plans, they would all go to shit.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that, I too had setbacks and as of now it's just a matter of between waiting for a long time until the time and circumstance presents itself, or taking a huge gamble in the mid-to-late future with going for it with less ideal circumstances, either way it is not ideal for me (which isn't even considering the planning, the overcoming of SI, etc.). Years ago some member (and I arrived at the same/similar conclusion albeit through different paths) said that CTB is a solitary road and one that is taken alone, thus there is some truth to it.

Anyways, back to your situation, it is completely understandable to be angry at your roommate and I'm sorry to hear that things played out the way it did. I don't think I'd handle it well and would be at least resentful and bitter over said roommate..

I hope you are able to find the peace you are looking for in the future whether it is recovery or being free from suffering.

 

[vegetables&sadness]

People want to rid themselves of the personal responsibility they feel for a suicidal person, and sadly that's where it ends, once your potential death isn't on their conscience it's all gravy in their eyes. People can be so thoughtless.
I'm sorry you were robbed of your chance to CTB, and I hope you either recover or gain another opportunity to do what you need to do.

 

[Zegers]

Maybe your roommate is into you? usually people don't give a shit about anything but themselves.

 

[toasterbath]

These life attached fucks will do anything to keep you in their realm because they simply cannot deal with death.

this. they can't feel the pain we feel. it's so frustrating

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Maybe your roommate is into you? usually people don't give a shit about anything but themselves.

She's technically my ex partner, so you're right. She just hasn't left yet. I'll be asking her to leave soon I imagine. I paid for the majority of our apartment and we've been split for 3 months.

People want to rid themselves of the personal responsibility they feel for a suicidal person, and sadly that's where it ends, once your potential death isn't on their conscience it's all gravy in their eyes. People can be so thoughtless.
I'm sorry you were robbed of your chance to CTB, and I hope you either recover or gain another opportunity to do what you need to do.

Thabk you. I'll be going again at my earliest opporturtunity. My SN is at home waiting for me, i just need to wait for the heat to die off me.

That's why I only discuss my plans on here. If the people in my life knew of my plans, they would all go to shit.

Its a horrible feeling. Theres always this naive hope that by telling someone that you're getting them on board and they may actually be more happy / at peace with the decision the more they listen to your reasons to go. Sadly its never the case. These people are just too attached to life and can't see past it.

 

[Hope:-)]

God, why don't they just leave us alone frankly. xx

 

[makethepainstop]

So I have everything I needed to ctb this weekend. Had a week off work and surprisingly my housemate was going to be out of town for the weekend. I was a little apprehensive to leave so soon to start with but thought, fuck it, there's no reason to prolong my misery. I'll head out Saturday night.

Cue when my housemate was about to leave, I get the "l'm worried about you speech". She knows I've been actively suicidal for weeks but hasn't said a word till now. I tell her I'm fine and that to be honest, it's not her business. Long story short, she gives me an ultimatum. She calls my parents and explains her worries, or calls an ambulance on me.

Cue then my father travelling 2 hours to see me to see whats going on, and a heated discussion with my housemate when my dad leaves. She's cancelled her plans for the weekend out of fears for my safety, and I can't help but tell her I'm mad at her. Cue her calling my dad back in and me now on my way back to my family home with no attempt in near sight.

I feel like my death has been robbed from me. I had it all planned out, ready to go. Nice last meals to eat, my goodbye notes starting to form, the layout of my room that i will finally leave in. Gone. Because my housemate can't mind her fucking business.

I'm the blame to this. I should never have let my intentions slip. Let this be a lesson to never, ever tell anyone ANYTHING about your plans. These life attached fucks will do anything to keep you in their realm because they simply cannot deal with death.

When we plan something, we must of necessity be closed-mouthed as a clam, as sneaky as a terrorist, and as distrusting as a KGB communist. Never allow anyone any hint of your planning. Always act as Normals do, lets smile and chaff with them, while secretly keeping the goal in mind, Much love to you, Rember you can always change a plan, a flexible plan can more often succeed.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Some good news came from this. After I explained everything about my situation to my dad last night, this morning he said to me he actually now understands the reasons why I feel like I do. Obviously he's never going to understand me wanting to cross the bridge, but I think now he may at least be able to understand and find peace when I do.

To transition as a 6ft7 woman and have the one hope of a happy and normal sex life taken from you after years of hoping it would work out for you... Hearing my dad say he can understand why I'd want to kill myself after that. Meant the world.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must had been so awful to have your plans interrupted. I'm sorry that you had this experience. I agree that it's always a bad idea to tell people around us about plans to ctb. After all, we live in a pro suffering society where suicide is so stigmatised. Telling people could only ever make things worse. I do wish that we lived in a world where our right to die is respected and we could be open about our plans and others would have no choice but to accept our decision. There really is nothing wrong with someone deciding to exit at a time of their own choosing after all, it's a personal decision when to leave and others should have no right to interfere.