Discussion Guys send me your suicide letter, I’m really curious and I want to read it!

[lwovely]

To be honest I have a weird interest in reading peoples suicide letters. Send me yours to read, I'm planning to write mine and I don't know what to do

 

[WantingtoLeave]

Hello:
If you are reading this, I am now dead. Yes, ended my life. I was simply too scared to continue living. As I write this, I ache at how much this will hurt you. As it will hurt you so, I am truly sorry. It was not my intention to hurt you. Look at it this way: Everyone dies and you could not guarantee I would not have died in an accident or house fire anyhow.

Please, keep my funeral as cheap as possible. Forego a casket and embalming if possible. Instead, wrap me in a blanket and bury me in Campground Cemetery in Arkansas. Dad and James should decide how my possessions are divided. My only debt is $300 to the YMCA.

I love you so much and hope to see you again on another plane of existence. If I do move on to another plane of existence, I will eagerly await your arrival there. If we do meet again, hopefully, we can be truly happy again.

With love:
Bear

 

[Exhausted-and-Alone]

By the time you see this I should be dead, or something has gone horribly wrong. I wonder what's on the other side, I wonder if we got it right. I suppose you won't know for a bit. I hope whatever it is, I get to rest.

I ask for just a few things. You're only required to do one of them.

The first thing, the most important thing, is to keep an eye on (fiancé's name). He will likely be in a lot of immense pain and will likely be contemplating suicide as well. He will need your support since he no longer has my earthly support. Please keep an eye on him, I'm the last in a long line of people to abandon him, I know.

The second thing is to never call me by my legal name again. This includes any urns, any burials, and funerals. I'd rather none of them, but should you choose to do that, my name is (obviously I'm hiding this lol). I am a trans woman, and I've been a woman for at least several years now, but have chosen to live according to the standards I felt were necessary to maintain a relationship of peace with my family. Mom, Dad, I love you both and respect you to the ends of the earth, but you've both never been supportive enough for me to reveal this to you, to be open and honest with you regarding my gender identity and sexuality. I don't blame you for it, I don't harbor any ill will to you for it, that's just how it is. Despite any assurances that you're accepting or tolerant of lifestyles like mine or similar to mine, you have not displayed that to be the truth and so I have had to lie to you for years. I don't blame you for that. I hate me, too. But let's not pretend you two would be happy with me wearing a dress, using my chosen name, or living my life worth living. I would hope, given my passing, you would at least do me the kindness of remembering me by my real name.

Regardless, if you don't remember me by my name I have instructed someone to deface my grave/urn and to put my real name on it instead. But that's up to you.

I hope you all can overlook those few last sentences of venom, but I needed to say what has been gnawing at me for years now. I love you all. If possible I want my car to go to (younger sister) because her car has no AC, my computer goes to (fiancé), my hand-crafted chess set to (youngest sister) and please donate my clothes to (address of a local transgender second-hand clothing supply).

Mors mihi praemium est,
(My name)

I took Latin in High School and I loved it. Idk what possessed me to use Latin in my final message but fuck it I guess.

 

[threevoices]

i never finished it but:

if youre seeing this, im probably dead, or dying, from my own hands. im writing this in advance during an active suicidal ideation episode (august/september of 2024) and updating small bits (like login info or where to send the announcement that im gone) as i need, so at the moment im not sure who will receive this, but know that you are special enough that i trust you with this. you are the only person im sending this to, and the only person to find out directly from me. how lucky!! :3

this will mostly just contain info on where to posts announcements, how each should be phrased or handled, and the login info needed to post these

.. and thats it lol. it was something i at the time planned to send to my closest friend so he could let my online friends know of me ctb. this is just the introductory section. i never planned to write an actual note or anything declaring my motives. the friend i planned to send this to is the only one i trust with that, and given he was involved in the situation (not as a perpetrator, he helped me immensely thru it actually) he would have known exactly what caused me to do this

 

[SomewhatLoved]

It seems like I have an infinite number of letters and drafts addressed to various people, but here is a random one off of my computer. Too lazy to transcribe a paper one...

[Partner],

I'm writing this to you on April 2nd, and I'm thinking I'm going to go to a park trail sometime before May to put a noose up on a tree and stand there and see how I feel. That was my plan this fall before you saved me, but I still feel like my time is running out. If you're reading this, I've probably made a certain decision. I look back at what life used to mean to me and I realize now it feels like nothing. I remember when we were together I had purpose in going to school or work. I wanted to be able to take you on nice dates, afford a life together, and be able to buy you nice things. I wanted to be have health insurance so everything was taken care of for you - whether it was therapy or testosterone or even just orthotics. Now I feel like I don't know why I work.

There is a cliché I'm sure you know - "if I knew it was the last time, I would have [...]". So many things in life end with us only finding that out in retrospect. The last time I hugged you, kissed you, held you, told you "I love you" as your boyfriend, I did not know it would be the last. It was pulled through my fingers like string. I didn't work hard enough or cherish it and realize what it was worth. I miss it, as I'm sure you know.

But, the luxury I do get in this moment is making sure I get to write you one more letter.

I remember reading a Michelangelo quote that went "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free". This quote makes me feel like people who do great things do not just wake up one day and decide to do them, but rather see something that needs to be done and do it. That's how loving you felt. I've gone over this a dozen times, but I remember meeting you. How you walked out to me standing amongst others, and spoke to me first even though you did not know me. Oh, how you were glowing to me in that moment. I could almost feel my soul pouring into you like honey. I did not see you and think "I could love you", I saw you and knew I had to. I think the rest of that evening, my eyes magnetized towards you every opportunity I got. You were the angel in the stone. I'm not sure I was ever really "talented" or meant to do great things like Michelangelo or other great artists were, but I think maybe even untalented people have their meaning. My meaning was you. In a life full of mistakes you were unique.

Everything I did for you did not feel like a choice but a compulsion. I had to love you, it was the only thing that made sense to me. It felt so fulfilling and satisfying in a way I could not imagine. You made me feel perfect in those moments, like I had done what I was meant to do. That feeling continued every single time I tried to do something nice for you. Writing you love letters, surprising you with sweets, buying you flowers, giving you a foot massage, telling you jokes, holding you close, or trying to help figure out how to do a name-change were all just so natural. It's what I looked forward to and thought about every day. When I was in class or studying or working or exercising, you were always on my mind. I remember there were so many times I was tired or felt unmotivated and thinking about you would always invigorated me.

I find you everywhere I go. At home at night when I floss I think of how before I met you I had not flossed and how you encouraged me to take better care of myself. I find traces of you in my speech, lingering like the scent of a snuffed out candle. Even when I try to distract myself, I find you. I go out to eat at a favourite restaurant and I think of all the times we had been there together. I buy myself some of my favourite ice-cream or treats and I think of how I used to eat them with you. I walk through my favourite park and I think of the time we spent an evening there together, celebrating your birthday. You have become my world.

Perhaps I am sick but I do not want to change. I do not want to accept someone or something else into that space, as doing so would mean deciding that you do not matter as much as you once did, or that the space in my heart which you once filled can be contorted to be filled by something else. I do not want to accept that maybe I'm ok with plan-b, or that I will have to forget the extraordinary and accept the ordinary. I do not want to give up what I care about, the world is full of people who don't care enough and I don't want to be one of them. I find myself lost. I feel left with this space in my heart, reserved for a boy who meant so much to me -- but who I was not good for. I wish so badly that it could have been different, and that I could have made the difference for you.

For my whole life it was impossible to imagine life past post-secondary. I would try, but no matter how many different careers I looked into I felt like my mind was just blank. But with you it was all different. I could look forward to lazy weeknights on the couch together or lazy weekend mornings in bed, both of us delaying getting up to spend more time together. I feel like I could close my eyes and almost see you standing in front of me in our kitchen, wearing comfy pajamas looking back at me. I felt like I would never get bored of our date nights. It did not matter if we were making pizza, watching movies, going out to eat, going for walks, meeting friends. I just liked that you were there. You told me to stay with you. You told me you wanted it to last forever. You hugged me, held me close, and loved me. You gave me something I had never given before: something bigger than my life. Something worth living for and fighting for. Something at last that was powerful enough to inspire me each and every day. My previous "aspirations" were all dulled by the cold and early waking of a late-fall morning. All those things were ok, but none were reason enough to get out of bed with a feeling of purpose in my heart. Even [my career] became that without you. They were not worth getting up for, but of course you have to work to live. You, however, were different. I had no scarcity of desire to work hard, knowing that maybe I could build a future for you and us. Again, I found myself excelling in ways I had previously failed. I found myself doing things I previously knew to be impossible. I turned from a 17-year-old with not apparent path in life to someone with aspirations. Something I wanted to work towards.

I want to say thank you for letting me experience all this. I look back at every part of my life with complete regret, but I do not regret any of those moments I spent with you. The only thing I regret from the time I was with you was all the time I wasted not working harder or cherishing it more. I regret turning away from you in bed at night, I regret not massaging you for longer or writing more letters. I regret all the time I spent bothering you, and I wish I spent this past summer working to try and be better for you instead of sulking.

I hope you know I only ever wanted to make you happy. I know I had shortcomings and there were a lot of things I wasn't good at. I think sometimes my anger at myself came through as anger towards you, but it wasn't that. You were perfect and I never ever wanted to hurt you.

I'm glad some of your wonders were revealed to me by the world, and even if sometimes I feel really angry towards the world I know you are proof that there is beauty in it.

I love you

 

[coked_pigeon]

This may come as a shock, but it really shouldn't come as a surprise.

-

I've sat down to write my 'suicide note' several times over the years, but those attempts were always lacking - too melodramatic, too cliched for the 'writer' I imagined myself to be. Eventually I became disillusioned with the concept of The Note (™) itself. Death does not confer value upon your words if they carried no weight while alive, so why keep chasing a captive audience?

-

The general consensus within the suicidal 'community' seems to be that barring extreme circumstances - though I suppose the brink of suicide is itself an extreme circumstance - you should do your best to provide some measure of reassurance and closure to the people around you. I doubt those are things people wanted from me even when I was alive, but here is my honest, and hopefully concise, attempt.

-

We could go around in circles about trauma and mental illness and all of that indefinitely, but the subjective experience is, in some ways, much simpler than that. I'm defective as a person, and I want out. It's no one's fault - or rather, it's the 'fault' of too many people and structures and forces to establish more than a proximate cause. Though being dragged into a third-world psych ward screaming and crying certainly didn't help. Guess who wasn't surprised to learn that people who've been involuntarily committed are actually several times more likely to attempt and commit suicide? It's almost like having your freedom and dignity as a human being ripped away from you is psychologically damaging (!) PTSD being especially high in the wake of an embodied violation like that. Anyway, I'm sure a third-person etiology would ultimately reveal the same thing - failed social belonging, feelings of burdensomeness, etc.

-

My life has been humiliating, futile, empty … there were beautiful moments here and there, as even the most wretched lives are bound to have, but beauty never justifies the circumstances from which it emerges, and the expansiveness of my own love isn't evidence of connection. The only things keeping me here - besides that pesky survival instinct, of course - are drugs and delusions, and I've been running into diminishing returns on both fronts.

-

Some logistical things:

• No religious references of any kind at my funeral, unless it's for a bit. No prayers, no priests, seriously. (No deity is getting credit for this, I freed myself!)
• Feel free to use my playlist though
• I don't have particularly strong feelings about what happens to my body, but I'm fine with my ashes being scattered somewhere so let's go with cremation I guess. (I would say go ahead with organ donation first, but I'm not sure they'll be all that usable considering they were, like, poisoned, lol)
• I leave all of my belongings to my brother

-

Many of you think of suicide as an inherently irrational act, and I probably won't be able to change your minds. But when both life and death pose some pretty intractable problems, I don't think it's irrational to prefer the condition that frees you from having to experience conditions, you know? Do I feel the terror of annihilation? Of course, it's a big part of why I'm such a proponent of not coming into existence in the first place - once there's something(ness), the prospect of nothingness is a problem.

At the very least, I think we deserve the right to exit on our own terms. I'm not making 'objective' existential claims here - only that I get to decide what I'm willing to endure. I'll leave you to your paradise, if you won't stop me* from trying to escape this wasteland.

*Suicide prevention, in any case, isn't about helping people as much as it is about guarding a certain worldview - that life is an inherent good that must be prolonged and perpetuated at all costs, regardless of the suffering incurred. This ideology, unsurprisingly, comes under threat when someone voluntarily rejects life, or even arrives at a different evaluation of the putative goods on offer.

-

Some of you may also think of suicide as an inherently selfish act. This one is actually far easier to refute - it is infinitely more selfish to coerce someone else to continue suffering for your sake* than to make an autonomous exit from a life you never asked to inherit** in the first place. Not that people are clamoring to keep me around, but bereavement is a serious harm, I agree - again, very firmly team 'better never to have been, especially since death doesn't undo the harm of coming into existence, but rather compounds it' over here. A completely painless ending was never on the table, sadly, or we'd be missing a *lot* more people.

*And arguably to protect your own feelings on the relative value of life, and what harms are an acceptable price to pay for the ostensible benefits

**In most cases - you obviously forfeit this right if you choose to become a parent, or create a structural dependency of comparable scale

-

I'm sorry it had to end this way, though. For what it's worth, I really did love you all - enough to spare you from my love-is-too-massive-a-cluster-concept-to-be-gatekept essay, at least. Has it been a largely unrequited experience, sure, but it would be unreasonable to keep insisting that it's the world that's wrong when it's me. I was beyond repair from the first collision.

-

I, of sound (ish) mind, melancholic blood, and a void for a heart, of my own volition, am ending this iteration of Darwinian malware.

(There's the melodrama we were waiting on, huh)

-

It may not seem like it now, but it's better for everyone this way, I promise. It's okay to accept that some of us weren't made for life.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Mine's 20 pages so can't post it but one note that has always resonated with me is that of Jean Tatlock, the ex-fiancée of Robert Oppenheimer:

I am disgusted with everything…To those who loved me and helped me, all love and courage. I wanted to live and to give and I got paralyzed somehow. I tried like hell to understand and couldn't…I think I would have been a liability all my life—at least I could take away the burden of a paralyzed soul from a fighting world.

 

[Emerita]

There's a world beyond this room, filled with more desirable people, more enjoyable things and more experiences to be lived. I came here to forget that, but can I see it. Now what is before me, is undeniable. The time I've wasted is far too profound. You have a resilience I don't hopefully you see a brighter future than me.

The world will keep changing—how enticing! Though, not that I want to be there to experience it, but the world will go on.. go on quite well. Flowers will bloom, trees will lose their leaves, snow will fall, and the sun will rise and set. Time will pass, and I won't be part of it. Bees will buzz, birds will sing, art will be created, stories will be told, and children will play. There will be a "today" that I am not a part of.

You will not see me tomorrow. Or ever. I am simply of the past, and you the present. I chose to surrender. Still, I do wish you the best on your adventure! You know the atoms I am will always be, but whats "me" wont, I've let that go, it's freeing to know the end is near. Don't bother to wonder what could have been. There was no saving me. Ultimately, this is nobody's fault but my own. I had made up my mind and I did what I did. So, this is my letter to say goodbye! Just because things could have been different doesn't mean it would have been better.

Remember 'God loves you but not enough to save you'. oh now that Im gone you have full rights to name a pet "Lug-nut", if you desire. Toodles. Or I guess I should say something more final, goodbye.

—
(Part of whats in there is actually posted on SaSu,I shared it here too because the person this is addressed to we don't talk anymore. Theres some inside jokes in the last 3 sentences. I also was going to link an Emily Dickinson poem.)

 

[semio]

I have a playlist that I will make public right before I ctb that serves as a general goodbye, I always used music to communicate. For the note itself I wrote one when I officially decided it just says
"I love you hun. Be an ICON"
Who knows when or if it'll get opened but its an inside joke and I have a tattoo that says icon that she always joked she was going to steal, but she didn't feel she was iconic enough to get herself.

 

[badkarma4618]

a lil messy, written while in my last episode