Guilt

[frogboi]

I can't have friends anymore. I can't bear having people fond of me when I know I'm going to kill myself one day and cause them pain. I am gonna cause them life changing traumatic pain. Why can't everyone just see me for what I am and leave? I just want to go home. I don't even know what that means because i'm laying in my bed right now but it is repeating in my head over and over and over and I'm starting to realize nothing will ever feel like home to me.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I can't have friends anymore. I can't bear having people fond of me when I know I'm going to kill myself one day and cause them pain. I am gonna cause them life changing traumatic pain. Why can't everyone just see me for what I am and leave? I just want to go home. I don't even know what that means because i'm laying in my bed right now but it is repeating in my head over and over and over and I'm starting to realize nothing will ever feel like home to me.

Don't worry about others, if your mission is to complete ctb successfully then let it be your mission…. Good luck

 

[frogboi]

Don't worry about others, if your mission is to complete ctb successfully then let it be your mission…. Good luck

My goal is to get better, but my goal has been to get better for 2-3 years and I just haven't gotten any better. If i could just not worry about others this wouldn't be a problem but the reality is these people make sure I am fed, have clothes, have someone to talk to and there's a huge chance I'm just going to be selfish and kill myself. Not saying people who commit suicide are selfish but there is no way around it, if I kill myself I am wasting everything I was given.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My goal is to get better, but my goal has been to get better for 2-3 years and I just haven't gotten any better. If i could just not worry about others this wouldn't be a problem but the reality is these people make sure I am fed, have clothes, have someone to talk to and there's a huge chance I'm just going to be selfish and kill myself. Not saying people who commit suicide are selfish but there is no way around it, if I kill myself I am wasting everything I was given.

I think this is the greatest paradox (if that's the right word) with 'recovery'. How do we recover without forming friendships and relationships with others? That surely is one of the main things we're pushed towards in order to 'recover'. Most people realise that isolation can lead to loneliness and depression. Yet- how fair is it to form new relationships and keep up old ones- if CTB is likely? I agree with you- I've been consciously trying to distance myself from people in the hopes that if I do CTB- the loss will be less for them. It can be so hard to just be alone though. I'm sorry you are struggling so much.

 

[charlotte_]

Your suicide ideation has nothing to do with those people. Do you think about suicide because of them? If it's a no, then they shouldn't have nothing to do with it. Your feelings are valid even if they had done you well. You didn't ask for suicidal thoughts, no one did, so it's not anyone's fault that these kinda thoughts linger in your mind. I still wish you the best on your recovery though. I hope things get better, and you will not just be better for others, but for yourself too

 

[frogboi]

I think this is the greatest paradox (if that's the right word) with 'recovery'. How do we recover without forming friendships and relationships with others? That surely is one of the main things we're pushed towards in order to 'recover'. Most people realise that isolation can lead to loneliness and depression. Yet- how fair is it to form new relationships and keep up old ones- if CTB is likely? I agree with you- I've been consciously trying to distance myself from people in the hopes that if I do CTB- the loss will be less for them. It can be so hard to just be alone though. I'm sorry you are struggling so much.

This makes me feel less alone. Thank you

 

[downndone2]

I understand your post so much. I'm taking terrible care of myself, jidt hoping to wither away and die m. Of course, it isn't working, just making me feel physically ill.
I have kids, friends, dogs...
I feel like no one really cares except my dogs.
Ice never been so down, depressed, lonely, isolated in all me life.
Sorry for venting. I feel in the same boat. The guilt gas just ivertaken me.
I hope you get everything sorted

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all everything is impermanent in this world, we all have to leave everything and die someday, grief and loss are just an inevitable part of existing no matter what and everything exists just to be lost and forgotten about. And I bet that eventually most of us won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here, it's just the reality. It does sound tiring what you are going through and I wish you the best but to me it makes little sense for one to say that their existence would be "wasted" as the non-existent cannot mourn for what they lost, nothing can concern those who are no longer trapped here enduring the futile process of slowly dying that is existing.