Venting Guilt for not being happy.

[Dvarksy]

This is something that weighs heavily on my chest, and whenever I feel suicidal I think about it constantly. It's a theme I've seen that people with depression generally suffer from terrible lives, caused by any combination of poverty, abusive parents, or lack of friends. There's many other potential reasons of course, but it seems, at least to me, that's the case. What troubles me about all that though is... well, I actually have a good life. I have loving parents and grandparents, my family is wealthy enough to send me to my dream college with no student debt, and I have supportive friends (through the Internet). Nonetheless I feel excruciating emotional pain, and it only gets worse considering how I have everything essentially handed to me on a silver platter. I've been through some severely traumatic events and big changes, but still, I don't feel that justifies failing to even have the will to live. When people ask "What's wrong?" I seldom have a good answer for them. So much in my life has and is going right... yet I'm not able to reap the joy from it that I should. My closest friends already know about my traumatic experiences, and bringing those up again has made me sound like broken record. Most of the time I don't even know what to ask for when people offer to help, as my issues are so far in the past, and all the real "fixes," if there are any true fixes, would require effort on my part, and my part alone. I feel very isolated, and feel as if my depression is "less" than others because I have so many things in my life other people don't, and because from an outside perspective I have a fantastic life. I want to know if there's other people like me out there, that should be happy but aren't... it's like the world is weighing down on you if you cry for help while nothing is currently going 'wrong' in your life. People care infinitely less about you as a result, and I'm not sure they're wrong to be apathetic. No one I know can offer the support I need, and I lost all physical friends a long time ago. I've moved since then, but haven't formed any truly meaningful bonds. Suicide is a mistress I dance with in my dreams, but I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to face her in reality, or if I'll be doomed to suffer like this for the rest of my pitiful, pathetic life.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I can relate to some of the things you're talking about. I often feel like I shouldn't be depressed. That my emotions are too much, that my reactions to things are not warranted. I have had lots of opportunities in life, things didn't turn out as expected. I struggle with explaining my situation to friends, family and therapists. I was diagnosed autistic later in life and I'm female, I guess that partly explains things. There's also some trauma involved but that remains very vague and difficult to talk about. Partly because I feel I shouldn't have experienced those things as traumatic. Therapists have not been very helpful at all sadly. Nowadays I just stay away from people as much as possible because I get triggered so easily.

You said: 'I've been through some severely traumatic events and big changes.' I think that's pretty significant. That might be the source of your depression. Having a good life otherwise doesn't make your traumatic past go away. There are always people who are worse off. And that's tragic. But it doesn't negate your suffering. We're all trapped in our own unique prison I think.

Wishing you the best

 

[deathbydragon]

I remember reading that this is a common feeling for people in 'traditionally happy' countries, the feeling of exclusion is only strengthened if you don't feel the same.
Like how Finland is supposedly the happiest country in the world, and also has one of the highest suicide rates in Europe.

 

[niki wonoto]

You're not alone. I've actually said this too in some other posts/threads here. My guess is you're still quite young. But here I am, 40 years old guy, who are a complete total useless failure, doing nothing basically. Everyday I'm heavily depressed, anxiety, & have suicidal thoughts too. But nobody seems to believe me, because just like you've said, people probably see me & my life as already being "good", or even very "privileged", spoiled, and it makes me seems like an ungrateful bastard lowlife, really. But then again, nobody seems to know the REAL reasons why I'm like this now.

Suicide can happen to anybody, even with rich, wealthy, famous, popular, & successful people. For example, have you heard/read about some celebrities or artists who committed suicide? I always think of Linkin Park's main/lead vocalist, Chester Bennington. He basically had pretty much everything (that I could only ever dreamed of): fame, fortune, popularity, money, status, family, loving fans, etc etc etc. But in the end, he still committed suicide. There are many other examples like this.

Life is full of irony & tragedy.

 

[FuneralCry]

You should not feel guilty for not being happy, sometimes we just cannot help the way we feel. I believe that in my case, I would never be happy no matter what happened, I could never be satisfied with life. I see life as being so pointless and empty. Nothing would ever make me want to live. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[DeepSlumber]

You're not alone. I've actually said this too in some other posts/threads here. My guess is you're still quite young. But here I am, 40 years old guy, who are a complete total useless failure, doing nothing basically. Everyday I'm heavily depressed, anxiety, & have suicidal thoughts too. But nobody seems to believe me, because just like you've said, people probably see me & my life as already being "good", or even very "privileged", spoiled, and it makes me seems like an ungrateful bastard lowlife, really. But then again, nobody seems to know the REAL reasons why I'm like this now.

Suicide can happen to anybody, even with rich, wealthy, famous, popular, & successful people. For example, have you heard/read about some celebrities or artists who committed suicide? I always think of Linkin Park's main/lead vocalist, Chester Bennington. He basically had pretty much everything (that I could only ever dreamed of): fame, fortune, popularity, money, status, family, loving fans, etc etc etc. But in the end, he still committed suicide. There are many other examples like this.

Life is full of irony & tragedy.

Yep. Others can look at a person's life and make all sorts of assumptions and speculate this or that. But, guess what? In 150 years, everyone on earth will be dead and gone, so who gives a shit? But, yes, I do give a shit, like many. People's judgments still get under my skin. That's more my problem than anyone else's though. I just have to remind myself that vast majority of people are selfish, self-centered philistines.