Discussion Growing up isolated

[camusfan_ig]

If you're anything like me, you might have not had the best childhood growing up. One thing in particular that made it unbearable was, actively being isolated. Sometimes it was my own fault I'll admit, but most of the time it was due to my parents. My parents were strict, and the older I got, the stricter they become and the more they isolated me.

I wasn't allowed over at my friends houses. I wasn't allowed to walk as much as a block away from my house by myself. The rare times I WAS invited somewhere, they managed to find a million reasons on why I couldn't go. Eventually, ppl stopped bothering to invite me. I don't blame them. I could probably count the number of hangouts I've actually had on my two hands. These things have affected me more than I'd like to admit. The lack of in person connection I was able to get is probably one of the reasons I'm as suicidal and depressed as I am.

What abt you? Did you grow up isolated? Was it your own choice, or someone else's? How did it affect you?

 

[InkMoth]

Always a loner since i can think. People just didn't like me, because of my phenotype.

 

[insectontrial]

This happened to me, too. Moving away for university helped for four years and then I had no choice but to move back in with my parents for a few years, where I could not find a single job thanks to being autistic and failing every single job interview I ever got.

I'm back in university now, and that did help, but I'm facing being kicked out due to my chronic health issues and autism. I have a flat in my university city but I do still visit my parents (mainly so I can see my siblings), who prove to me every single time I visit that I was right to move away. I'm scared that I'll lose the flat soon, though, and that's what is fuelling my desire to CTB. I can't face eviction. I also know that, whilst I can visit my family, they have said outright that I would not be welcome to move back in, so I'll end up homeless if I am kicked out. I really do have no other choice.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

Very intriguing experience from a camus fan lol. Personally, I've always just enjoyed my own company quite a lot. I love video games where you build something up (like civ 5, factorio, single player minecraft, and the like), and I like swimming in my own thoughts trying to get at how things work. It's extremely satisfying to understand things from a base-principles buildup, but that tends to keep my thoughts pretty abstract and distant from what people want/are able to talk about.

It also doesn't help that I get super stressed out at talking to people. Part of that is because social dynamics are kind of a black box I can't make any inroads into understanding. There's all these truism "wisdoms" that people throw around, but everything has exceptions and it's never clear how those exceptions work. I end up kinda winging it, but then I keep ruminating on all the faux pas I probably committed, and how they probably hate me for them. There's this eternal suspicion that everyone I talk to secretly hates me, even when I might cognitively understand that can't be true.

On top of that, I'm pretty avoidant when it comes to building relationships. I like chatting with some people when the setting is right, but if they start expecting me to seek them out, or showing up to things, or else I give the signal that I dislike them, that just stresses the living hell outta me (kinda ironic, I know). That probably started when I had a relationship with someone who was a little too dependent and I remember fearing for their life every day, which made me feel like I had this inescapable responsibility of "being there for them" no matter what I might have wanted. I remember dreading the thought of the rest of my life playing out like that, or worse: failing and being responsible for their death for the rest of my life. After I got out of that, I've been pretty skiddish about taking on deeper connections like that.

so yea idk mb if it's a long post, this has been a helpful reflection on myself though.

Also: sorry to hear your parents did that to you! It's really common and I've heard versions of that play out for so many people but I just can't understand for the life of me why parents act that way. Like do they not remember being children? Do they not understand how devastating that kind of isolation is to young people? The closest answer I've gotten so far is that maybe they're just acting on the emotional instinct to protect and preserve, giving up the unsatisfying process of reasoning in its stead. Hopefully you can gain some independence and join some local clubs or something later on! I know near me there's like 4 different hiking clubs and you always meet a very colorful collection of nice people.