christmas is actually a pretty big issue for me that causes me a lot of stress. i do love winter, i adore the cold & snow. but christmas, i don't really know anymore.
at a certain age when i was growing up, accepting gifts became VERY hard for me because my family would make me feel guilty for not giving them things as well (even though i was a child with no money.) i hated people watching me and being the center of attention when i had to open my gifts. i dreaded it, still do. when i was old enough to give gifts myself, i felt humiliated and like i could tell they didn't really like them.
so, even nowadays as an adult, both accepting and giving gifts is still hard for me. giving i am much more fine with, but however i am quite poor, so sometimes i feel guilty or ashamed i cannot spend more money on people. i do love hand-making gifts though, i sewed a plush bat last year as a gift. but even then, i'm not perfect, so sometimes i'll feel embarrassed about all the imperfections.
receiving gifts is still a nightmare for me. i rarely like anything people get me, and i don't want to seem ungrateful because i'm not, but i know immediately i will never use it. it's hard for me to fake reactions, so i feel anxious they can tell i'm pretending i like it. but even if i really do like the gift, again comes the guilt (did i get them anything? was it good enough? how much better is their gift for me than mine for theirs?) and the being watched. now that i'm older, i make people not look at me (i have a bit of scopophobia) while i unwrap the present. but it doesn't do much for my anxiety as they will inevitably look afterwards.
gifts were often used by my sexual abuser to keep me compliant enough for him to keep doing things to me. essentially it felt like he was trying to buy my silence.
growing up, basically i was taught that somebody giving you something meant you owe them something in return (either a gift or an action), and the feeling of owing people severely stresses me out.
i do, however, love the snow and warm drinks and sitting by the tree all lit up at night. so i tend to enjoy the season leading up to xmas, but dread the day itself. i'm also not religious, so it holds no extra significance to me/most of my family. but i've always thought if i could choose how i died, however i wanted, it would be on a cold winter's night in a warm, cosy bed next to the window watching snow fall, with my cat curled up next to me while i gently pass away in my sleep.
