i lost my love of my life—my fiancee, last june to cancer. it was sudden and unexpected; he was in a perfectly good health and always take care of himself.
at first we thought it was just a common cold, then after a month doctor said it was TBC, (weird thing is he got a rontgen scan and shown that his lungs were clean) then a month later, he had another scan and there were images of tumour on his left lung.
its so fucking weird. then doc diagnosed him with stage IV lung cancer. like wtf how? he was hospitalized for like 28 days before he went away during his sleep.
allow me to tell you a story about myself and him. i grew up in a broken family and during childhood had lots of abuse. my mother is unable to show love or empathy (i suspect there's an underlying mental condition) so i didnt feel loved. i was suicidal and agoraphobic (due to numerous trauma). can't take care of myself and unable to feel joy. untill i met him.
he changed everything in my life, he "fix" me. love me like no other and during 14 years of our relationship i only feel love and happiness. it felt like i'm the luckiest girl in the world. he's my everything and he's perfect. all my life i thought i was asexual cause i have zero interest in men. and while i prefer women from visual aspect, i have no sexual interest towards them too. but somehow he got my heart. now i know that i'm not asexual but demisexual. i can only love one person and that's him. what we have is the purest love i can imagine, like fairy-tale material.
when he moved to another world my world shattered to pieces, i barely eat (still am), can't sleep, can't function at all. i'm back to my depressed and suicidal self from before i met him. i want to ctb so bad...but.
but.
thing is from stupid religious perspective, if i ctb i can't be together again with him in the afterlife. and no matter how small and weird it is, if there's a chance i can be together again with him i'll take that bet. so i started praying everyday. but this doesn't help at all. i still feel empty. still want to die everyday. but i can't cause i don't want to risk it. plus i don't want to put my mum through having to live with the sad and shame that her daughter ctb.
so frustrating....
i read about ways to shortened one's life span and dissapointed there's no sure way to do it. now i'm slowly poisoning myself in hope that i can get something terminal from my attempt.
life sucks.
