Venting Grief and resentment over my childhood, about having no one and what could have been.

[Niko66]

I wished I had at least one positive influence in my life growing up, I feel like that could have made all the difference... I struggled with mental illness since early life but what I really believe was the snowball that turned into the mess that I am today is that lack of someone, anyone whom I could trust, who could provide me some support or guidance or even education. My parents did no parenting, taught me nothing, absent dad, abusive mother, at home I saught to be alone as much as I could because my mother was corrosive to my mental health and would use me to vent her unhappiness with life and how her children essentially ruined her life. I am a second generation inmigrant and so I have little family in my country and what little there was... no one cared either, no one visited, no one looked at me, I had no means to seek therapy, I didn't understand mental health, I had no one to look up, the problems which were perfectly workable, the tools that I may have used to cope with life when you aren't neurotypical and struggling I had no way of knowing, I was just a helpless child whose only figure of safety was also an abuser who would do everything to make me feel bad and ashamed about myself before thinking of offering any help and so I learnt all the wrong ways to face my reality being the naive, autistic, anxious and depressed child facing rejection, facing my own inner demons, facing constant manifestations of my mental health into chronic physical issues... a little worse every year it got without fault.

I grieve for what could have been, I wish there had been someone who looked at me, who saught to give me a hand, I wish I knew once in my life what it feels like to be safe and supported, to trust someone. But there was no one and the one friend, couple of years older than me that was becoming the person I looked up to, my mom shut away from my life yet again despite me doing well at school and trying to be well behaved and it just hurts, it fills me with grief for what could have been, and it feels me with anger against my parents who so irresponsibly brought children despite being entirely unequipped emotionally and economically to raise them, the father who so easily moved on from my life to make his own with a new family and new children because he couldn't stand my mother, and the mother who felt it in her right to use me and my sister to channel her suffering and pass it onto us in the form of constant verbal abuse, manipulation, self victimizing, as if it was our fault that we were born. I saw a therapist for the first time when I had a job and I could afford it in my early 20s, and I realized how impactful having someone like that could have been. Someone who looked at me and praised my qualities, someone who gave me advice on how to deal with the life I have to face, but it felt to little too late by my adulthood so much damage was done and at 25 now I am still trying to pick up the pieces and no matter what I do it feels like I can't stop this constant descent.

I wish there had been someone, any one person who made me feel safe, not judged, who wanted to help not blame me. And I will never forgive my parents for the life they created and then trashed so carelessly, I can't imagine I will ever let go of this hate in me for them, because I can't imagine how can you possibly abuse an innocent creature that looks to you for safety no matter in how much pain they might have been.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so, so sad for you. This sounds to have been a terrible environment to have been raised in. It's no wonder that you are still trying to come to terms with the damage that has been done.

Are you close to your sister? Is she struggling as well? Is it something you can talk to each other about?

I know there is nothing I can say to heal what has been done to you. I don't understand why people bring life into the world only to abuse it. It's just so sickening really. I just don't know what else to say other than I wish you well.

 

[Al Cappella]

Almost, with a few differences here and there, the same. Second generation immigrant, born to parents that couldn't, etc. Today I am literally alone. I'm also old enough to tell you it never goes away. I'm perfecting being a loner, but it has not been easy. Still isn't, and I'm more than twice your age. I think the saddest part is that I could never trust to build my own family unit, so I didn't.

 

[Niko66]

I'm so, so sad for you. This sounds to have been a terrible environment to have been raised in. It's no wonder that you are still trying to come to terms with the damage that has been done.

Are you close to your sister? Is she struggling as well? Is it something you can talk to each other about?

I know there is nothing I can say to heal what has been done to you. I don't understand why people bring life into the world only to abuse it. It's just so sickening really. I just don't know what else to say other than I wish you well.

I am not close with my sister, we are 6+ years apart and my response in childhood was to shut myself and my emotions in so I never grew close with anyone, I still can't find it in me to share my feelings with anyone IRL, my sister is struggling too though I don't think as much as me but she could be behind appearances, perhaps she is more resillent and less prone to depression (we haved different fathers, my dad's side is also full of people with depressive tendencies), perhaps it was because we were treated a bit differently, my mother considers my sister dumb and she treated her that way all her life, putting little expectations on her (which of course affected her self esteem and belief in herself all the same), so she is doing better mentally and in relationships than I am, whereas she put high expectations on me and was more overprotective and overbearing. But so my sister doesn't really understand mental health matters and I don't feel comfortable talking with her heart to heart because of that.

Almost, with a few differences here and there, the same. Second generation immigrant, born to parents that couldn't, etc. Today I am literally alone. I'm also old enough to tell you it never goes away. I'm perfecting being a loner, but it has not been easy. Still isn't, and I'm more than twice your age. I think the saddest part is that I could never trust to build my own family unit, so I didn't.

I totally understand... I would never bring children into this world or form a family of my own, I don't think I am fit for being a parent and the last thing I would want to do is to put someone through similar suffering due to my issues. Children deserve "parents that can".

 

[Forever Sleep]

I am not close with my sister, we are 6+ years apart and my response in childhood was to shut myself and my emotions in so I never grew close with anyone, I still can't find it in me to share my feelings with anyone IRL, my sister is struggling too though I don't think as much as me but she could be behind appearances, perhaps she is more resillent and less prone to depression (we haved different fathers, my dad's side is also full of people with depressive tendencies), perhaps it was because we were treated a bit differently, my mother considers my sister dumb and she treated her that way all her life, putting little expectations on her (which of course affected her self esteem and belief in herself all the same), so she is doing better mentally and in relationships than I am, whereas she put high expectations on me and was more overprotective and overbearing. But so my sister doesn't really understand mental health matters and I don't feel comfortable talking with her heart to heart because of that.

I totally understand... I would never bring children into this world or form a family of my own, I don't think I am fit for being a parent and the last thing I would want to do is to put someone through similar suffering due to my issues. Children deserve "parents that can".

That's really tough. I'm so sorry. Yes, I can see how your mother's different expectations have formed you both to be different people- both suffering though which is just awful.

 

[Doombox]

It blew my mind when I saw on some tv show a parent offering loving guidance to a child. On an emotional level, I can't even believe that's possible. I'm like @Al Cappella, an older loner now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in your life. This life really is so unfair and some people are just so cruel. I wish you the best and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[Niko66]

It blew my mind when I saw on some tv show a parent offering loving guidance to a child. On an emotional level, I can't even believe that's possible. I'm like @Al Cappella, an older loner now.

It's incredible how much those first few years of life can mark us for so long :/ I can't ever imagine myself getting over these feelings truly either

 

[come to dust]

I'm sorry your life turned out that way. It's no reflection on your own worth, and you deserve caring people around you.

 

[KlMeNw]

I wished I had at least one positive influence in my life growing up, I feel like that could have made all the difference... I struggled with mental illness since early life but what I really believe was the snowball that turned into the mess that I am today is that lack of someone, anyone whom I could trust, who could provide me some support or guidance or even education. My parents did no parenting, taught me nothing, absent dad, abusive mother, at home I saught to be alone as much as I could because my mother was corrosive to my mental health and would use me to vent her unhappiness with life and how her children essentially ruined her life. I am a second generation inmigrant and so I have little family in my country and what little there was... no one cared either, no one visited, no one looked at me, I had no means to seek therapy, I didn't understand mental health, I had no one to look up, the problems which were perfectly workable, the tools that I may have used to cope with life when you aren't neurotypical and struggling I had no way of knowing, I was just a helpless child whose only figure of safety was also an abuser who would do everything to make me feel bad and ashamed about myself before thinking of offering any help and so I learnt all the wrong ways to face my reality being the naive, autistic, anxious and depressed child facing rejection, facing my own inner demons, facing constant manifestations of my mental health into chronic physical issues... a little worse every year it got without fault.

I grieve for what could have been, I wish there had been someone who looked at me, who saught to give me a hand, I wish I knew once in my life what it feels like to be safe and supported, to trust someone. But there was no one and the one friend, couple of years older than me that was becoming the person I looked up to, my mom shut away from my life yet again despite me doing well at school and trying to be well behaved and it just hurts, it fills me with grief for what could have been, and it feels me with anger against my parents who so irresponsibly brought children despite being entirely unequipped emotionally and economically to raise them, the father who so easily moved on from my life to make his own with a new family and new children because he couldn't stand my mother, and the mother who felt it in her right to use me and my sister to channel her suffering and pass it onto us in the form of constant verbal abuse, manipulation, self victimizing, as if it was our fault that we were born. I saw a therapist for the first time when I had a job and I could afford it in my early 20s, and I realized how impactful having someone like that could have been. Someone who looked at me and praised my qualities, someone who gave me advice on how to deal with the life I have to face, but it felt to little too late by my adulthood so much damage was done and at 25 now I am still trying to pick up the pieces and no matter what I do it feels like I can't stop this constant descent.

I wish there had been someone, any one person who made me feel safe, not judged, who wanted to help not blame me. And I will never forgive my parents for the life they created and then trashed so carelessly, I can't imagine I will ever let go of this hate in me for them, because I can't imagine how can you possibly abuse an innocent creature that looks to you for safety no matter in how much pain they might have been.

Man, the similarities between your circumstances and my own just keep growing. I have just recently found out that I'm an aspie. If you remember our last conversation, we had quite a few things already in common and now it seems autism as well. The only difference is that I went ahead a naively had three children before my spectrum diagnoses and it terrifies me how my issues will effect my children in the long run. It is a true blessing for you that at least you'll never have that heartache. Trust me, it is the heaviest and most sorrowful burden to carry. I wish I had understood my issues sooner, if so I would have castrated myself.